I was doing really well with my eating but have been struggling for the past few weeks. I feel like I'm on a binge and can't stop seem to stop myself. There is something that I'm trying to fill up inside of me and I can't seem to satisfy it.
I play doubles sand volleyball and I play with some really good players. I used to be one of those players but the past 3 years of drinking and eating have taken their toll on my body. My joints hurt, my vertical is almost non-existent and I'm just slow in general. I now play lazy volleyball which is what volleyball players say when we're getting along in age and our bodies are tired. The thing is, I'm only 30. Some of the girls I play with are about my age, even older and they have more than one child. I've had one and she's 8...I've had plenty of time to get back in shape. Their kids are all under 4 and immediately they went back to living their healthy lifestyles...they did not give up...and they are in superb shape. They keep pushing themselves.
I don't know when I gave up but I have. I keep putting off my health. I used to to be like them and all of a sudden I stopped caring. This morning, as I played with these girls, I felt pathetic. I could feel my breakfast wanting to come up and even though it was nothing super heavy (homemade beans on a whole wheat tortilla with a couple egg whites) I would have probably felt more comfortable eating some fruit with cottage cheese or Greek yogurt. But it wasn't just today's breakfast...it's a cycle which is catching up to me big time...it's the food I take on a regular basis is unnecessary. I can feel my body crying while I play...which makes me want to cry. I joke about my extra weight and how it effects my playing but inside I feel embarrassed.
I love food...or at least I used to. I actually don't enjoy eating anymore because it's so out of control...all I feel is guilt.
Not sure how many blogs I have written that state my need for change and how I'm going to start ASAP. But my reality for the past 3 years has not been that. Random workouts here and a major battle with food and alcohol. I'm a little shocked that I'm not heavier because I probably should be. Volleyball is probably my saving grace which I continue to play competitively.
One of my problems...which I think is the main one...I make great big goals that eventually intimidate me and tear me down. When I think about never drinking again or never having a certain food again it scares me and it makes me dive into it harder.
I think my goals are still centered around the younger more fit me that was working towards being a fitness competitor. I'm not saying that's off the table but at this point...I simply would like to fit into smaller clothes...I would simply like to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I would like to look in the mirror and recognize the person I see.
How am I going to change this? Well, I signed up for a couple P.E. classes this semester. Pretty much I'm working out for a grade. I had always taken fitness courses when I was younger but have been holding off on it since going back to school simply because of my discomfort. It has been a very long time since I felt like I belonged in a gym but I finally put that behind me and signed up. I'll be taking a weightlifting class as well as a yogalates class and I will be playing a lot of volleyball every weekend.
I need to stop looking back and stop wishing I still was what I used to be. Many things have changed since but I need to realize that these changes don't have to keep me from living a healthy lifestyle. I'm not willing to give everything up but I definitely need to stop treating my body like a free for all. I need to stop being afraid of letting go of things that are not beneficial. I don't want to be crazy strict...I don't have that kind of personality...some people do and good for them but not me. I enjoy my mom's food, I enjoy a beer with friends...I enjoy life. Unfortunately, my enjoyments became bad habits and that's where the problem lies. For my weight lifting class, I have to do a pre and post physical test and my goal is to see change in my post test. Definitely looking forward to lifting again and will be doing cardio on M,W,F...wish me luck!
I've lost 10lbs...yay me! Finally controlling my food intake and exercising more than I have in a long time. It's mostly volleyball but that is what I enjoy the most and doing it almost every night really helps me feel accomplished. When I don't play, I do plyos and core training at home. I can't seem to get myself to enjoy the gym the way I used to...I don't know why and it does make me a little sad but instead of using that as an excuse to not do anything, I play and work out at home.
Unfortunately my bad days seem to continue. I still battle deep depression at times and still battle my alcohol cravings. Since I'm not working and I'm not going to school this summer, I'm struggling with finding my place. I have my daughter all day, every day, just the two of us and it can get a little overwhelming not having any time to myself. The night is the only time I have to myself so I end up staying much later than usual and if I happen to have alcohol, I drink way more than I should and, at times, eat things I shouldn't. It definitely gets frustrating that the night is the only time I can zone out. I know what you're thinking...suck it up! Make the best of it! I'm trying.
But, like I said, playing almost every night does spark something in me. It makes me work hard. It makes me want to work on my vertical since I'm hitting on a men's net most of the time. And it also offers me some sort of social support which is really non-existent in my life and I've realized how dire it is to have supportive people your life.
I realized that the idea of me getting back into shape is very daunting. When I look at myself in the gym mirrors, I think two things: 1)Who is that gross fat chick and 2)When will I finally not look like that anymore? It just seems like such a huge task. Recently, a friend took pictures of me playing volleyball and, needless to say, I was embarrassed by them. I don't know if people are being kind when they say I look just fine but I see something completely different. I do feel like I'm being judged and people are constantly wondering what on earth happened to me since one minute I was thin and the next I blew up like a whale. I'm not being dramatic either...I gained about 40lbs in 6 months...especially in my chest area. I gained weight everywhere but my back, shoulders and chest seemed to have gotten the worst of it. It sounds strange but I'm huge up there.
Anyway, I've been pretty consistent about my gym attendance and pushing myself as much as I can. Unfortunately, I struggle with my eating. It sounds simple when I say it...just stop eating crap...but I only seem to be able to go a few days without it. In my head, night time and junk food go hand in hand. I am having a really hard time breaking that mentality. My evenings are boring...I am literally trapped in my house after my child goes to bed.
I think about my days of fitness and try to figure out what was so different back then. Two things were different...I didn't have a computer and I had a boyfriend and/or some sort of social life. I had a lot of motivation for some reason. I was young, pretty and wanted to be a hot mom...it just made sense to take care of myself. As I've gotten older, I feel a lot of things have slipped. My mentality has changed about life and despite me continuing to be pretty vain, I don't feel that level of motivation that I did back then. I'm motivated to do well in school and always motivated to take care of my kid...I have put myself on the back burner and makes excuses to be mediocre. The idea of being lean again and in control of what I do is such a strange idea.
I am trying to tackle these negative thoughts. I watch a lot of Biggest Loser and similar shows and it's obvious that I am not a lost cause. There are people out there who have it much harder because despite my self-judgement, I'm not that fat and I continue to be physically active because of volleyball which has helped me stay mostly healthy. I don't have any major issues going on like other people do.
With that being said, my mentality is still a work in progress. Still looking for everything to click back to normal.
I have refused to weigh myself for months now. Not sure of the last time I attempted but I remember it being around 190lbs which is about 50 to 60 lbs overweight for my height as well as compared to what I weighed around January of 2012. I have my scale in my kitchen (my bathroom is tiny) and the only people that ever use it are my daughter and my best guy friend, Adam. It sits there collecting dust for the most part because I know that when I step on it, it's going to tell me something I don't like.
Well, Adam fluctuates with his weight but since getting his new job and not having a car, he walks from the bus stop to his work which takes about 20 minutes one way. He has lost 10lbs with just walking because the truth is that he doesn't do much else and loves food as much as me. Definitely a big part of our bond.
So he came over yesterday and of course stepped on the scare and he was down to 150lbs from being up in the 160's. He's looking good! This morning I get a wild hair and decide to step on the scale because the truth is that I stopped gaining and I'm looking a little better. Now I'm thinking that it's all in my head! I step on and guess what...I'm 191lbs. Needless to say, I am not happy. Am I trying as hard as I should? No. Am I trying harder than I was? Yes. Which is why I was hoping that maybe...just maybe...I had gone down some. People tell me I'm looking thinner...I guess that is where my positive outlook came from. I was hoping they were right...
Obviously all the fault falls on me. My motivation has come back in the past couple months (FINALLY!) which feels great. My eating goes up and down...I can tackle the exercise...the eating is a little more difficult since I do find comfort in it like so many people do. I have my breakfast down...I've been eating eggs and oatmeal everyday going on 6 years now. In reality, I know what to eat in general. I was taught by a trainer a while back on top of me just reading everything I can get my hands on. I question my "want"...how bad do I want this? It's as if at night, I forget everything and all I can think about is eating...privately...because I'm a closet eater. I know I'm doing something wrong and I'm ashamed of it but the shame just isn't enough to stop me.
I'm still working thru the thought process of this. Am I bored? Lonely? Am I just addicted? It's gross...I don't like that person that I become after 8 o'clock. No wonder I'm 190!
The truth is that throughout the past few years, I haven't really MADE the decision to change my habits. I keep telling myself I'll try harder next week but it never happens. Why? Because I have yet to actually DECIDE to change. I'm definitely sitting on the fence waiting for something to happen...not sure what...but I've been waiting. I think I've been waiting to go back to "normal" which will never happen by being on the road I'm on right now.
I have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life. The major one being the fact that the road I'm on when it comes to school and my relationships is not the road I had planned on. I'm not complaining, I am enjoying my life and I'm making very grown up decisions like working hard towards a degree and master's as well as getting rid of toxic people from my life. Honestly, I used to think that by 29 I would be married with more children and, instead, I see living my future alone and doing my own thing. It's a strange idea to grasp after spending so much time attempting to find "the one" but I am ok with the road I'm on and realized that not everyone is meant to follow the same road.
It's hard not to feel weird about it. People ask me if I'm dating or interested in someone and that's probably the farthest thought from my mind. They think I'm bitter or broken and I'm really not...I'm doing just fine! I don't need to be fixed and I don't need to hear silly cliche statements about finding someone when I'm least expecting it and blah blah blah. I find it really silly.
Anyway, since I have come to terms with this, it's time I start tackling my bad habits. I used to drink and eat to drown out all the bad feelings I used to have. My head and heart are a lot clearer now so I don't NEED those things but I'm addicted to both. My evenings feel abnormal if I'm not drinking and eating and living alone doesn't help...I have no distraction to keep me from feeling that need.
So I'm making the decision. I am deciding to stop and deal with the withdrawals! Food and alcohol have become my security blankets and I can't do it anymore. I can't afford it financially, my body can't afford it physically. I'm getting rid of it just like the toxic friends I got rid of a couple months ago because it does not benefit my life in any manner. I wish I didn't have to do it alone but such is my life! I've raised a child on my own for the past 7 years...pretty sure I'm strong and tough enough to do this.
I'm sensitive. Then again I'm not. It's definitely a weird balance I have going on with my feelings. The things that probably should bother me don't and the things that do, I should really forget about. I was excited about my new semester starting only to run into some personal drama which causes all these bad feelings inside. I'm not surprised I ran into this nonsense because it was a long time coming but it's still hurtful.
I have a very hard time battling things like this which is why I turn to food and alcohol. Living alone can be very lonely when you have very overwhelming feelings. No boyfriend, no husband, family is scarce...I'm alone with my thoughts a lot of the time and that is not a good combination. I mean, really, when you're alone in bed at night, there's only so much you can do to escape your thoughts.
So I'm battling this need to drown out my reality but really trying to figure out something that can make me stronger. You can live a healthy life and still be stuck with yourself on the inside
The last couple years have been rough emotionally and physically in so many ways to the point where I no longer recognize myself. Well, in the past couple months, I've slowly come to accept these changes. Not the fat part but the part where my view on life has changed. The truth is I have compromised my health for other people. I've always had this thing about being popular and accepted by everyone which has caused me to let go of so many things I found important. Not all at once but slowly and surely, I let go of everything that made me...me.
The truth is that when you give people and inch, they take a mile so when you show even an inkling of weakness, they take advantage of that because it makes them feel better. I am finally willing to let go of those relationships and start surrounding myself by positive and supportive people.
If I tell you, as my friend, that I abuse alcohol, why on earth would you push me to drink more just because you don't want to drink alone? If you obviously see I've gained weight and have an issue with it, why would you push me to eat just because you don't like eating alone? Sounds ridiculous, right? But there is a female person in my life that has been doing that to me for years upon years. The truth is, she likes being the best and brightest in the room so she will do anything to make you the fat, ugly, funny friend and I have been her target for a long time because I show weakness. Not that I want to be heartless but I'm done compromising my integrity for the amusement of others. The truth is, I have found it quite difficult to stop being what people expect me to be. You'll never be able to change that unless you are ready to do so. You might experience discomfort, backlash, gossip...because people are immature like that...but in the end, you have to worry about yourself...you are number one.
So as slowly as I let go of myself, I'm slowly getting myself back. I don't necessarily want to go back to who I was before my weight gain but I want to be an improved version of that. I want to be stronger. I want to make decisions that benefit myself and my kid. I want to keep useless people out of my life. I'm pushing 30...it's time to grow up and look out for me. If it's not good for my mind and body then I don't want to do it and whoever is pressuring me to do anything different is getting kicked to the curb. It's time to have respect for myself and only accept respect from others. It's silly that I have let this go on for so long but sometimes you just have to be ready to make the change and I'm finally officially ready.
I'm not really sure how I ever ran 5k's. Do you know how horribly uncomfortable it is to attempt to run with an extra 60lbs on your body? IT'S HARD! It feels quite disgusting actually. The truth I have to do the whole run/walk thing because my endurance is non-existent. I used to enjoy running so much...it was a great escape and now it's just a struggle. Don't get me wrong, I'll push through it somehow...I have to...I can't stand myself anymore. And I was running my 5k's in under 28 minutes at one time...
So now I'm sitting here reading for class tomorrow (I'll continue after this blog entry!) after running/walking my 1.65 mile and eating a good dinner (tuna with cucumbers, celery on top of spinach and drizzled with balsamic vinegar). No drinking tonight which is a rare occurrence in my life for the past couple years. The craving is very faint...usually it's very overwhelming. Truthfully I'm tired of disappointing myself. I'm tired of failing over and over trying to stop this thing. I'm not depressed anymore which you think would mean that I no longer need to numb my feelings but at this point, it's an addiction and the answer is not that easy.
It might seem like I'm making a resolution but I don't believe in making them. Too much pressure. I rather just go back to who I was or be even better than that. Being the "fat friend" is getting really old. I'm already a single mom...I don't need to be fat on top of everything else I have to struggle with.
I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Stop looking at my past wishing this never happened to me and keep my goals simple until I reach my greatness again. Tonight I feel accomplished with my cardio and my healthy dinner and tomorrow will be another opportunity and another step forward.
Literally, sucks the life right out of you to the point where everything hurts and you just can't wake up in the morning. I was thinking I was getting better but only got worse. Though I did end up enjoying my first semester back at the University of New Mexico, I suffered for a couple months. The transition from working full-time to school full-time was much harder than I thought it would be. For a couple months, I felt I had lost all purpose and woke up day after day wanting to end my life. I'm not sure at what point suicidal thoughts crept into my head but they were there and they were constant. My alcohol use sky rocketed, which as you know, only made my depression even worse. I had no one to talk to and no one understood what I was going through...it was horrible and felt very much alone. The only thing that made me happy was playing doubles volleyball on Sunday mornings because that is who I am.
I continue to feel very much like a stranger to myself. I don't recognize the person in the pictures that are taken of me and it's very overwhelming. I did finally get the guts to start working out at school and finally got comfortable with a routine which did help me conquer those nasty thoughts of worthlessness. Now if I could only conquer the rest of me...
It's a very strange thing to become a completely different person. I think the only thing people recognize about me is the fact that I still play volleyball. I look different, I act different and I let go of everything I knew and enjoyed. I loved eating well, spending my evenings at the gym and running 5k's. I loved looking better than my friends and loved my muscle mass. I loved fitting into tiny clothes and feeling comfortable in my skin. I look at my Facebook pictures from about 1 1/2 to 2 years ago and all I can do is ask myself...what the hell happened? I let life get to me in such a bad way.
I guess that's one of the reasons that I have trouble getting started again. My past seems so extremely overwhelming. Is it actually possible to get back to being that person or is she gone forever? Those questions continue to keep me stuck here thinking about what I used to be. I work out and see nothing and it's very frustrating even though I'm very aware that it takes time and I need to be a lot more consistent as well as clean up my diet. It's strange to feel this sort of cloud in my brain as if I don't know any better even though I really, really do...I swear! It's very uncomfortable physically and mentally as well as emotionally. I know people are wondering what happened to me and I can't even begin to explain to them because I feel embarrassed about it. But I'm going to push thru this...I'll never be young again but I think I can have my old body back...
P.S. stay away from anti-depressants. They are poison.
I feel like I can breathe again. I quit my job and I'm preparing for my first day of college in 7 years! Yup...I start next Monday. As nervous as I am about this completely new life I'm entering, I don't feel miserable anymore going to a job that I hate wondering what the heck I'm doing with my life. It's definitely not going to be easier than going to my comfy job...I'll pretty much be a poor student supporting a kid on my own BUT it feels so different when there is actually a light at the end of my tunnel. The sacrifice feels so worth it!
Now about my fitness level...still completely embarrassed about it. I was able to wean myself off the medication I thought made me gain all the weight but I'm still pushing 190lbs. That being said, I can't say I've been trying very hard. I don't know if I'm still suffering from the side effects of the medication but I pretty much feel dead inside. I've become a hermit who cannot stand being in social situations and, if you know me personally, that is a complete 180 from who I was a year and a half ago. I can't really pinpoint what I feel on the inside but I wish I could fix it. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed time with my friends or the last time I was attracted to the opposite sex or the last time I wanted to do something for me. I was hoping to get myself back after getting off the meds but it hasn't happened so far. Then again, I was 50lbs lighter a year and a half ago and that does wonders for your self-esteem and libido.
So what's my plan? Well, the truth is, by going to school, I am forcing myself to pretty much get back in shape. I will be riding my bike to school and I'll have plenty of time to go on runs and lift. I can't remember the last time I had a few hours to myself. I've always gone from work to my home with my kid and had to drag her along to my gym sessions. Since I'll be on campus while she's at school, I have a several hours of kid free time. Yes, I will get studying and homework done during this time but I will also be taking advantage of my personal time. As far as food, which seems to be my major addiction, well, I won't be able to afford it. I'm sticking to oatmeal, eggs, veggies, fruits, chicken and beans...only the cheap healthy stuff. I won't be sitting at a desk all day tempted by my coworkers to eat out...it's going to be amazing. They talk about the freshman 15...well, I'll be losing the sophomore 50! It's crazy...I'm super excited!
So that's the update. I'm pretty much doing my own thing and taking control of the things I'm able to control...sigh...and the journey continues...
You would think that when you stop trying, that's when you fail but it seems to have the opposite effect on me. For some reason, when I'm trying really hard to eat well, it's like it all becomes taboo and I just want it more! And since my will power is close to non-existent, that is not a good situation for me. I love doing and having and eating what I shouldn't. I was recently in a wedding and I had over a year to fit into my bridesmaid dress. What ended up happening? Well, I thought about it so much that it consumed me and all I could do was eat and be lazy because I was so stressed about fitting into my dress. Needless to say, I failed. I had to take my dress to be altered and had it taken out as much as it could go. How embarrassing!
Well, the wedding has passed and now I feel free of that burden (trust me, it was a lot of time and money...I will never be in a wedding ever again!). Now I feel like I can just go back to normal...eating my egg whites and oatmeal in the morning, salad and chicken/fish, drinking my protein...
It's weird, right? I'm not sure why my brain works that way. I guess right now I feel like I'm doing what comes naturally to me. Eating well, my nightly hour at the gym and it seems so easy. Why is it so hard for me when I actually need to try? I'm not sure. I don´t deal well with pressure and trying to look perfect in a dress was a lot of pressure! The wedding has been so much stress for the past year that it ruined me! Along with other life stresses, I was pretty much done for. Now I feel free. I feel free of any demands from anything or anyone and that makes my life easier. Now the only person demanding anything is me and I can handle that. I go at my own pace and I don't have to worry about pleasing the next person. It's a nice change from the past year of torture!
My grandfather passed away last Saturday. I really can´t remember the last time I cried so much for a family member. Part of the heartbreak was that he lived in Mexico (my mom´s side is from Chihuahua and I was born there) so I was not able to be there for his last days nor for the funeral. Last time I visited was January of 2009 but had not gone back because of the disgusting drug war the country is dealing with. Fortunately my mom was able to spend the last few hours with him and my dad was able to make it to the funeral just in time.
I now feel this emptiness inside that I can´t seem to fill. Most of the time when I don´t feel emotionally stable, I drink and eat crap...for whatever reason I feel alcohol and junk food help fill the holes at that moment. This time around is different. I haven´t felt the need to do what I usually do. In fact, the only comfort I have found is in the gym. I didn´t even think twice about going...I just went and did my thing. I zoned out, worked hard and felt satisfied. Don´t get me wrong, I still feel a deep sadness inside of me but I feel a lot more in control by doing what I know gives me long term satisfaction. Working out has definitely helped me cope because I can still think about my loss but be productive at the same time.
I also feel this has pushed me back to the person I know I am. It has helped me put my life back into perspective. I see the things that are truly important again, one being myself and how I live my life. I am so quick to satisfy certain cravings and desires that I have just gone down this hole that I can´t seem to get out of because I just keep on living by impulse. I´ve been living in the dark far too long, barely surviving. It´s about time I get back to being the fit, confident person I know because life is much too short. My grandfather was 83 and I still feel he was taken too early and too quickly. I can´t live my life regretting my actions or lack there of...
So I´m pissed off at myself. Like, really pissed off. I have a tendency to hide when I know I´m doing something wrong and if you see my last blog, it was back in February. Why? Because I failed. I failed myself and I failed everyone on here that was counting on me. I failed all my volleyball crew because I claimed I´d be back in shape by now. Instead I´ve stayed the same with the same habits and I am truly disappointed. Have you ever looked at a picture of you and thought...that´s not me! Well, I´ve been doing that for quite some time now. I have a friend who takes pictures for every ocassion and I just don´t see me anymore. There is someone that looks like me but it´s not really me. When is my bad luck going to run out? When am I going to start feeling my old feeling of motivation and determination? I´m a vain person and if you know what it´s like to be vain, it really cramps your style when you don´t feel like yourself. I was so determined at the beginning of this year to go back to the old me...even a better me...and somewhere I got lost again. I lost my focus. Instead, I have become satisfied in wearing elastic, baggy clothing, never really knowing my true size because it´s so embarrassing.
I´m supposed to be in a wedding about a month from now and I´m pretty sure my bridesmaid dress does not fit...I don´t know because I refuse to try it on simply because I said by this time I would even have to take the dress to be altered since I would be back to my normal weight. Has that happened? Hardly.
Last night I went clothes shopping because I have a bachelorette party to go to next Saturday. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought, what the hell?!!? Who on earth is this fat person?!?! I was absolutely disgusted. You can see it in my face, arms and back...it's everywhere...it is no longer something I can hide with certain clothing. Have I mentioned how truly pissed I am at myself? Like, I want to punch myself in the face hard. I deserve a good smack down. I am so uncomfortable and embarrassed...all I want to do is hide. I have no confidence right now...the only thing I have going for me is my perfect smile and nice eyes and skin...other than that, I'm not me. And I think I feel even worse because everyone else sees it too.
So what is a former fitness fanatic, current fat girl to do? Truth is, it's going to take hard work. And it's going to be even harder because I am far and beyond my normal weight. My joints hurt when I walk stairs or attempt to run...everything hurts. Time to suck it up! Time to stop being a wuss! Time to stop giving into peer pressure! Time to be who I know I really am! Gawd...who the heck is this person that I'm carrying around?? Disgusting. I am disgusted with me. It's a good thing I attempted to buy clothes or else I would have never really seen who I am at the moment; a fat, lazy person who is no different from the next fat, lazy person.
F this! I'm out!
Today was my first week working out on my own (I´ve been going to Body Pump classes for about a month now) and I finally felt inspired to get back to my routine. I was going to the classes because they motivated and pushed me even if I wanted to wuss out. I just couldn´t find it in me to start lifting on my own again which was strange because, to me, lifting is my escape. I finally felt it again this week. I felt that drive and that want that I haven´t felt in quite a while. I´m pushing the excuses out of my head and not thinking about the reasons I DON´T want to work out because if I let these thoughts enter, I talk myself out of it.
I realized something I had forgotten about myself. I always need a catalyst in my life. Something to strive for; something that will push me again. Body Pump was that catalyst for a while and slowly it faded. Then this past weekend I finally made the long time coming decision that I´m going back to college. I had to drop out in 2004 due to my pregnant and alone status and even though I´ve always wanted to go back, I´ve been waiting. Don´t ask me for what...just waiting for something to push me. I guess I had been hoping that by the age of 28, I would be married and would have enough help to head back and finish. Well, I´m 28 and still alone but I´m also completely capable of doing this without a husband. Truthfully, the way things are going for me, I´m not sure if marriage is in my future so why am I going to wait for that to finally do what I want to do? It was a silly idea and now I see that.
Well, I am planning on going back in the fall to get my degree in nutrition and possibly double major in exercise science or athletic training. That idea alone is my driving force right now for so many reasons. The realization that I don´t have to wait around for something to happen for me to become what I want to be. I am the one in control and I am the one that will make these things happen. I can create my own catalysts and keep this up.