Chicharrones’s BodyBlog

So I keep reading and being told that I need to surround myself with people that will support me. How exactly do I do that? My family definitely doesn’t support me so they’re out. My tiny group of friends? They don’t really care honestly. They’ll tell me it’s cool but that’s about it. As far as joining me or even coming to a figure show with me, it’ll never happen. They are not interested in learning or understanding.

So where do I find these people who are supposedly so supportive? In the reality of my world, I don’t have the opportunity to go and make new friends. I just have no earthly idea where I would be able to find a circle of supportive people who share the same passion. I’m really at a loss and I’m wondering if I will ever find anyone who really cares and understands. It’s a bit discouraging to want to be a part of something and not be sure where to start or not even have a partner in crime.

I ended up going to the gym a little late last night at about 7:20. I get there, warm up for a few minutes and get down to the gym floor. I notice a machine I use (there’s only one) is taken over by a guy talking on his phone. I figure I’ll skip it for now and move on to the next. I finish that up, look back and he’s still standing on the platform of the machine talking on the phone. I’m getting a little bugged now. I go over to do my squats and finish that up. He’s still there. I go and do leg extensions and he’s still there by the time I finish that.

And let me tell you that he was literally just standing there not even using the machine. He was standing there, facing the mirror, talking on the phone. I head over his way and notice that he’s standing next to the machine now. He has an earphone in one ear and his phone on the other ear. I ask him very loudly if he’s done with the machine and he tells me he has one more set so I decided to stand there and wait for him while giving him the evil eye. Truthfully, I don’t even know what his goal was in using the machine because his "set" didn’t consist of much movement. He held the phone with his shoulder next to his ear and did his "set" and finally he was done.

He took that machine up for 25 minutes! I got there at 7:20 and wasn’t able to use it until 7:45! Are you kidding me? I suppose it would be different if he was actually using it but he wasn’t. He was simply standing there, facing the mirror, chatting away on his phone completely oblivious to the fact that his actions are against gym etiqutte. Phones should be banned from the gym. Seriously. I would never ever think of doing anything like that. I don’t even take my phone in with me.

Not quite sure what was going through his head and why he thought that was ok but it wasn’t. So please take note and realize that there are people who want to be in and out…we don’t have time for your phone love sessions or deep talks. Take it outside.

PS Please wear deodorant as well. Big difference between stinky sweat and stinky B.O.

So I have this problem. Every time I find something that motivates me (it’s usually while I’m at work) as soon as I get home I binge and I don’t end up going to the gym. Every single time. I will feel super motivated at work but by the time I get home I feel worn down and ruin my clean eating. I’m not quite sure why this happens but I noticed it happens a lot. Just yesterday I found out that this girl I knew in high school just competed in a figure competition and got 1st and 2nd in a couple catagories. She looks amazing! Completely gorgeous! So I found it very motivating to see someone that I know doing something I want to do.

Well, by the time I got home I felt drained and unmotivated. I no longer felt the drive I had felt earlier in the day. Even though I kept thinking about how awesome she looked, it wasn’t enough anymore.

So I think I figured out one part of the problem. Every time I see someone I admire and feel motivated, negative thoughts start crossing my mind. All I can think about is how "far away" that goal is for me. How am I going to go from this to that? Is it even possible? It’s as if they hold some sort of secret that I’m not aware of. Not only that but I always think the only way I will accomplish my goals is by hiring a trainer and nutritionist and I just can’t afford it. So I think in a way I’m waiting for that day when I can hire someone to help me and until then, I’m just not good enough.

Now as I write this, it sounds completely silly. But it is burned into my brain that I will not succeed until I hire someone to help me out. Me going to the gym on my own right now just isn’t enough. Obviously, it’s all a bunch of lies. No, I don’t have the money to do what others are able to do but I do have a lot of knowledge and understanding. And as I write this, I feel my drive coming back. I just hope I can keep it until I get home from work today so I can get myself to the gym and start feeling better.

So I literally started writing down everything I put in my mouth. I was doing an online journal but I realized it still made it pretty easy to cheat because it wasn’t right in front of my face at all times. So now I keep a sticky note on on my desk and write down everything I eat from all my clean eats to those couple pieces of dark chocolate. Ever since I started doing this last week, I am much more aware of my consumption and much more clean! I’m now waking up every morning with the goal of not having any pink (I highlight my bad foods) on my sticky note and it’s working! My candy eating is down to a minimum (maybe 1 piece of dark chocolate a day, still working on that one). And as far as just randomly eating other things, I’ve stopped that as well. My biggest accomplishment is staying clean when I get home. I have a light dinner an hour and a half before going to the gym and just drink some whey protein afterwards. My weight had creeped back up to 147 and I took it back down to 145 and hopefully it’ll keep going down with my bodyfat.

Again, my problem area is my stomach…ever since I had my daughter I have that stupid pooch. Everyone is always telling me how small I am but then I see myself at home and I just don’t see small especially when I look at my lower stomach. They say I must fit into a size 6 and I just tell them I’m wearing 10’s and they’re shocked. They can’t believe I’m a size 10 but I am! Then there are those pessimistic moms who say that you never get your old body back after having a child and I have to disagree! I’ve seen and heard the stories of plenty of women who worked hard on getting their flat tummies back. In fact, some of them even have 6 packs so don’t tell me it’s not possible.

I know my eating is my main problem. Not only that but I drink too much beer and I’ve realized I have a drinking problem. It has gotten to the point where I feel comforted when I chug a beer or 4 and that’s an issue not only for my physique but for my health. And the worst part is I drink by myself since I’m not able to go out most weekends. If I was a social drinker maybe that’d be a little different but I’m not, I’m a lone drinker. So I’ve decided to take this huge step to stop purchasing a six pack every week. It’s a waste of money, good sleep and good work outs. I’m tired of being a slave to it! And I’m tired of just being another chick that can drink. I want to stand out from the crowd and let everyone know that my fitness is more important.

Unfortunately, I have realized that I live off catalysts. There are people who can be consistent and motivate themselves…I’m not one of those people. I don’t know if it is supposed to come naturally or if it is a learned skill. Some people say that they don’t think twice about doing what they’re supposed to do. I write entire journals where I debate whether I should do this or that even when the answer is completely obvious. To me it is obvious that I need to go to the gym every day…it is the answer that makes sense. Now for me to actually put that into play when I get home from work, well, lets just say it is a battle that rages inside of me. Should I or shouldn’t I?

So I’m wondering if this is a mentality I need to practice or if it comes to people naturally. I’m not a self-starter. I never have been…not with school or work or anything. So how is it that people just know that they have to do this and have no choice? See, to me I have all kinds of choices…good and bad. Maybe I need to limit that somehow? All I know is that right now I rather be sleeping. Right now, even thinking about working out does not make me happy. The thought of sleep and relaxation seem more attractive at the moment. The catch is that I feel this constant guilt for not living my life the way I should. So even at night when I’m sleeping, I feel guilty for not making it to the gym.

Again, my answer is right there, isn’t it? So frustrating.

But I got my motivation back. I’ve been playing a ton of volleyball so I haven’t totally fallen off the wagon but my eating has gone to the crapper. Went on vacation, at a lot of fried seafood and drank more beer than usual. Lets just say my stomach has pretty much hated me for the past 7 days and I’m pretty sure I gained my weight back. Haven’t stepped on a scale simply because I see it in the mirror.
Does anyone else find motivation in feeling alone? A few things happen this week and I’m coming down from a vacation high and other good things that happened. Now it’s back to work and dealing with stupid people and I’m feeling down. The only thing that is comforting me is the thought of going back to the gym where I can mind my own business and get my weight back down and get my muscle tone back. I’m looking at myself in the mirror thinking I was just 144lbs a few weeks ago and I can guarantee I’m back to 150lbs…I hate that. But like I said, I’m finding motivation in my loneliness and sadness and slight anger which I’m sure is amplified by the guilt I feel for not gettng my butt to the gym. Forget about everyone, I’m doing this for me..

"To me, its sexier when it doesn’t look like you go to the gym. If you look like you’ve been spending a lot of time in the gym, then it just looks like you spend a lot of time in the gym! So I never want to get to that point where it’s not natural. I think it’s important to feel like a woman, as well as look like a woman."

I just read that today and it’s a quote from her interview in Self which I guess makes sense. I consider Self a wussy mag, it’s not really a "strong woman" kind of magazine. I suppose I should just take it as her opinion and not everyone wants to be muscle bound but what exactly is wrong with looking like you go to the gym? Personally, I like people to compliment me on my muscles and ask me what I do to look the way I do.

The other day I was hanging out with a couple of good looking guys and they were surprised that I had calluses (no, I don’t use gloves) on my hands from doing deadlifts and clean and presses. In fact, they were surprised that I knew what a clean and press was! I then realized that I really need to push myself more! They had no clue I worked out which means my body isn’t showing what I want it to show. I think they just saw me as another girl and that’s the opposite of my goal. I don’t want to be another girl. I don’t want to be sexy by just being skinny. Muscle is sexy. Defined tri’s and calves are sexy. Being thin is not sexy.

Unfortunately, I think Beyonce’s view on sexiness reflects most of society’s view. Being thin is good enough. I definitely disagree with her opinion of looking "womanly" because to me it seems like she’s saying that muscle isn’t womanly. All power to her for being curvaceous and embracing that but I rather be curvaceous and muscular which is what I am. I’m not skinny but I’m not fat and I have muscle (which I obviously need to work on since guys don’t even notice…)

Needless to say I’m slightly offended by her view but I suppose to each his/her own. If she thinks she’s good enough that way (which, don’t get me wrong, she’s very attractive) then good for her but if you have muscle and people do see you as a gym rat then high fives to you. I get personal satisfaction when I get compliments on my hamstrings and it makes me happy to know that my hard work is showing through.

Feeling like crap. Exhausted, nauseous and headachey. Went to the gym last night and felt really good but then felt too tired today even though I knew I would feel better if I went. I dozed off a bit at work during my lunch then again when I got home. I feel tired but then again, I feel very anxious especially because I know I’m slacking off. Not only that but my diet is all wrong! I was freaking starving all day today and ended up eating a bit of crap! I was just so hungry and nothing seemed to be satisfying me. I’m hoping tomorrow I will feel different. I’m currently trying to figure out what I need to change up.
I’ll be at the beach next weekend and I need to have a decent beach body. I did get complimented on my hamstrings and butt this weekend during my tournament (I played in bikini bottoms) so that was an awesome. People even asked me what I did in order to have such fantastic hamstrings. Lots of deadlifts, squats and lunges. Anyway, it made me feel real good. I just ran out of energy today and I was so so so hungry all day long, I just couldn’t do it.

Now I’m just kicking myself for not going and for not eating enough. All I can hope for is tomorrow being a better day! Wish me luck!

And I hate it! Sometimes I wish I didn’t have friends just so I wouldn’t have any interruptions but we all know that would be a lonely world. Does dancing for a few hours count as a work out? I hope so because that’s pretty much the only work out I got in all weekend. Friday was a major cheat day…I won’t even mention what I had because I’m so ashamed of my behavior but lets just say it was all fried and cheezed up! Sick, I know! So on Saturday I did pretty well and ate lots of chicken and salad but I ended up going out that night and drank and danced the night away. Sunday I was too tired and too hungover to do anything. And today I ate clean enough but still had a couple urges to stuff my face. I felt super dehydrated all day.

So as much fun as I had, it totally ruined me. I was even too tired to go the gym tonight so I just ran on my treadmill here at home just to feel some sort of accomplishment. I’ve done a pretty good job of letting everyone know my schedule through out the week to the point that everyone knows that my answer will be a negative when I’m asked to go out during the week. I actually have been doing really well for 3 weeks now but now I feel like I’ve taken a couple steps back. I’m dehydrated and tired which is making me gorge on unnecessary items of food.

I won’t get rid of my friends just yet but going out two nights in a row or even two weeks in a row is a definite no-no. I have my huge tournament this weekend and I should have worked hard Friday, Saturday and today and instead I slacked off which means I have to work twice as hard the next few days. I even ruined my chances of taking progress pictures because my muscles got small and my stomach was bloated…bad combo.

On to tomorrow!

Is it possible to make yourself sick lifting? Well, ever since my session on Tuesday I’ve been feeling dizzy. I worked on my hams and finished up with 3 sets of clean and press. Every time I stand up, I get dizzy and I feel naseous on top of that (no, it’s not what you’re thinking, it’s not possible). So I was thinking I pushed myself a bit too hard. I took a break on Wednesday and went back last night but I’m still feeling a little off. It’s a possibility that I’m lacking some major amounts of sleep but I’m not sure. I really had to force myself to the gym last night but once I got there I actually felt fine and I don’t feel too bad today even though I feel like gagging every time I eat.

Yes, it is quite strange. My hamstrings are still hurting from Tuesday.

But the good new is that I’m down to 144lbs and my arms are ginormous and so are my legs. At leas they look ginormous from where I’m looking. I’ll take more progress pictures this Sunday. Yay!