Never Assume You’re Alone!
You’re driving alone in your car. The road is deserted and your just driving along minding your own business when suddenly…..there it is!! Way in the back of your left nostril you can feel it. Lodged way in the back of your sinus cavity is a huge hunk of hardened mucous better known as a booger in street slang. In reality this "booger" is very small but to you it feels like it is about the size of a golf ball and it must be removed immediately. You grab a tissue and start to blow furiously but to no avail. No matter how hard you blow you cannot dislodge it from its perch inside your nose. A much more invasive tactic must be employed.
You look around to make absolutely sure you are alone. First to your left and then slowly back to your right…you survey the road for any possible onlookers. The coast is clear so you thrust your finger into your nostril all the way to the first knuckle in a desperate bid to dislodge the chunk of snot from your nose. But you have made a fatal error….you have forgotten to check your rear view mirror and a car is approaching from behind. Just as you reach the second knuckle on your finger and are about to remove the bothersome booger a car load of teenagers pull up on your left side and they are pointing and laughing! Oh the humiliation. You have just learned a valuable lesson! Never assume you are alone.
Here is another scenario. You’re alone in the shower. The hot water cascading over your tired aching body feels so good. Suddenly you realize that your in the mood for love!!! Now you could go find a partner to take care of your lustful urge but that would require you to step out of the hot soothing shower into the cold. By the time you get to the bedroom the urge will most likely have passed. So since you are alone in the shower you decide to take matters into your own hands. Depending on what sex you are you reach for the shower head or the always reliable bar of soap and you get busy. Just as you are about to seal the deal and complete the transaction…BAM!!! The bathroom door burst open and in flies two or three of your children. They rip back the shower curtain as you struggle to hide all evidence of your recent lovemaking! Because you were careless and didn’t lock the bathroom door both you and your children are scarred for life. Never assume you are alone.
Come on….it’s happened to all of us at one time or another…hasn’t it? Have you ever had that special itch and just as you reach into your pants to scratch it someone walks in a catches you? Of course you have!!
Ok by now you are probably either laughing your butt off or you’re gagging because you just threw up a little in your mouth. Either way the main question on your mind right now is, "What possessed B to write this insane blog?" Well the answer to that question is because I had an embarrassing moment this morning when I thought I was alone.
Every morning I take a long walk as most of you already know. I had just finished my walk and was about to enter the house when I felt a sudden urge to break wind. Now mind you it is 6 AM in Shitholeville so most of the residents are still snug in their beds. So without giving much thought to my own safety or the safety of any innocent by standers I let rip with a mighty blast of wind that sounded somewhat like the blast from a trombone. The sound reverberated in the still morning air and just as it ended I heard a small giggle from across the street. Seems my neighbor lady had just came out to walk her dog just as I cut loose. this sweet little lady just looked at me and calmly said…."Niiiiiiice one there neighbor!" Never assume you are alone!
Till next time this is B your completely humiliated narrator saying….Lift Long and Prosper!
"B"…..out!!
April 14, 2008 at 5:03 am
let’s see yes to the bugger one - and as far as I am concerned it IS the size of a golf ball!
the worst part of the shower is that the wife could stop mothering the kids and come into the shower anytime she wants. (women like to say they are interested in sex, but where is the proof)
another one is when you are driving. you change the radio station and suddenly there it is. the song written by a band for no reason other than audience participation. so you look around and then engage in the activity for which the song was written - audience participation - that’s right you sing as if you are a world class rock star. who cares that you don’t know the words, you are alone in your car with the windows rolled up.
wrong
the people in the car in the next lane are enjoying the show - NOT
or my worst fear. what if the "send" button get’s pushed on your cell phone. now you’ve just called someone and started singing "rock-n-roll hoochie coo"
so let’s get this straight
look left
look right
check rearview mirror
secure the cell phone
lock the bath room door
anything else?
someone call the CIA and ask for advice
April 14, 2008 at 5:49 am
Oh Bryan. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!
What a priceless entry. 
We have ALL had those moments. I am trying to think of one to share to comfort you. But none are coming to mind. 
LOL!
April 14, 2008 at 9:41 am
You know I have had my moments too! The farts are always classic…I have had two memorable fart moments!
Moment 1: wearing my windbreakers adjusting for a set on the bench. As I lay on the bench looking up, I can see the people on the track running (our track circles the gym from the upstairs). I grasp the bar, lift off, rep a few, and then RIIIIP!!! The windbreakers didn’t get their name for nothing. It was extremely loud! So loud the runners on the track stopped and looked over the rail!….embarrassing!
Moment 2: You may already remember so I’ll keep this one short…on the squat rack. Sh!t right in my partners face on the way down! LOL
April 14, 2008 at 1:43 pm
LMAO, that is freakin hilarious… what did you do or reply?? No experience with the second situation (thank goodness), but I’ve had a fart moment, too! Back in college when I woke up one day, I had an urge to pooter… my roomie had an early class so I let one totally rip under the blanket. Well, it was so disgusting, it started offending me, so I fanned out the blanket… got up a minute or so later, and who was on the bed quietly studying but my roomie who decided to ditch class that day! Awesome…
April 14, 2008 at 2:14 pm
hey bryan? you’re weird….
April 14, 2008 at 10:59 pm
*LOL* That is great! I bet you will be the talk of the week for a few blocks down the road. Sorry man!
April 14, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Oh, Bryan…..see…you learned how to do all that stuff in jail didn’t you?
April 15, 2008 at 6:15 am
Great story! Almost beats when a guy who worked for the hotel came into our locked room with a do not disturb sign while me and the missus are "getting romantic"
Never assume you’re alone…;)
April 15, 2008 at 6:32 am
That reminds me of the time when my oldest boy…got me and Mrs. Ninja …. We told him we were wrestling..lol Well a couple days later we are at the in-laws and my boy (around age 4) was hey Grandma want to wrestle? My Mother in-law was like you will hurt grandma. My son no I wont… girls get to be on top like Mommy with daddy…lol Yeah good time to just go get a beer..lmao
April 15, 2008 at 6:39 am
Well Bryan, being a guy, you know that sometimes our junk just hangs the wrong way. So I have been caught on more than one occasion " Re-arranging my furniture". lol
April 15, 2008 at 6:48 am
Ha, Ha…..Nice! Haven’t we all been caught in an embarrassing situation…one time or another..:)
Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not confessing anything on here, just acknowledging you could be right….:D
April 15, 2008 at 8:42 am
Oh, we are NEVER alone… you can feel the eyes on you all the time!!!
April 15, 2008 at 2:39 pm
LMAO! I’ve been caught picking my wedgie out but that’s the extent of it.