The Chronicles of “B”

Wow I am overwhelmed by your response to my last blog.  seems everyone is completely in love with my little town.  I’ve even had Pm’s asking me to please write more about the little slice of heaven we know as Shitholeville OH!!

I have to say I am a little taken back by all the interest.  I mean, we love it here but I didn’t really think others would find our little berg so appealing.  Many of you have expressed a desire to move here and I am happy to report that there are always plenty of trailers for rent in the Charles Ave Trailer Park.  Mostly they rent by the month and believe me when I say…."The price is right reasonable."  They even have very nice trailers that rent by the week and shoot…If you make old man Titebottom an offer he would most likely rent you some deluxe accomodations for the day. 

The park is really a lovely place with all those gorgeous trailers laid out in their perfect little rows.  Some of them are really luxurious!  As wide as 12 whole feet and with a car port so you don’t have to park on the street.  How’s that for convenience?  And some have white picket fences in front of them with their own little garden beds and my favorite…that cute cutout of a lady bending over in the garden showing her butt.  Oh, and that pedestal with a glass ball on it.  Don’t that just scream "class"? 

Of course the trailer park is located right next to old Wille Fisterbottoms huge hog farm but don’t let that deter you…the wind hardly ever blows out of that direction and even if it does it isn’t too bad.  If you’ve never smelled fresh country air the initial shock might be a little unpleasent but  your nose quickly becomes desensitized to the smell after exposure.

Like most towns it’s the people that really makes Shitholeville such a special place to live.  Take my neighbor Stu Padasso and his lovely wife Sue for example.  These two folks are as quirky as they come.  Old Stu is a truck driver and is gone most of the time during the week.  Stu, being the nice guy that he is, has often given some of the female residents an opportunity to go on his trips with him for free so that they might have a chance to see some of this beautiful country of ours.  His wife Sue is a character as well.  She is often seen out around her house in her frilly drawers doing lawn work and entertaining some of the towns fine young men.  She treats them to cookies and soft drinks and they repay her kindness by doing chores around the house.  Sometimes even going inside to clean and what not for hours at a time.  Shoot she must have the cleanest house in Shitholeville.

Anyway we here in Shitholeville appreciate your interest in our little garden spot and if you’re ever down this way please stop by and visit us.  We will be waiting with open arms.  and don’t forget our town motto….Shitholeville.  It’s not just a town….it’s an experience!

"B"…..real or B gone! 

Awww spring has sprung all over the country and here in Shitholeville it’s no different. 

Spring in Shitholeville brings about lots of changes.  Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, well at least in places where anything will still grow after that nasty seeping incident at the toxic waste plant last fall!  But I’ll save that story for another day.  Anyway where was I???  Ahhhh yes spring!  One of the markers of spring in Shitholeville is the annual return of the turkey buzzards and blue blow flies!  They return to Shitholeville every spring just like clockwork and take up residence at the animal carcass rendering plant and road kill storage unit on the outskirts of town.  It’s truly an amazing site and one that we locals are privileged to enjoy all summer long.  Kind of makes ya wished ya lived here doesn’t it.   

I know this sounds rather sexist but my favorite passage of spring is the trailer park princesses breaking out their brand new spring halter tops and Daisy Duke short shorts.  They are certainly a site to see as they are pushing their baby strollers through town in their lovely spring outfits with six or seven little curtain climbers in tow!  I could watch that little parade all day long let me tell ya!  I noticed that Tammy Sue Bigboobs was modeling the latest maternity halter the other day.  She is expecting number 8 anytime.  The indentity of the Father is quit the mystery here in town. 

Springtime in Shitholeville is also a festive time and many festivals are held each year to usher in Spring!  At the festivals there are many events for young and old alike.  Such as tobacco chewing and spitting contest….my wife’s cousin Etta won that last year with a monster spit of over 25 feet!  Incredible!  And there are pie eating contest, and midget tosses and last year Johnny Joebob brought in a mutated animal that he found out by that aforementioned toxic waste spill and we had a contest to see if we could guess what kind of animal it was before it was changed by that nasty toxic waste.  I guessed it was a squirrel but as it turned out it was old man Billbob’s dog!  We all had fun guessing though.

Yes springtime in Shitholeville is certainly a wonderful time and I would like to encourage all my friends to come on down anytime and visit us.  We’d be proud to have ya in our little town….this little slice of heaven we call home!  Just make sure all your shot are up to date.

Till next time my friends…Lift Long and Prosper!

"B"….real or "B" gone!

Why is it…..

whenever I’m in a hurry and I stop in a convenience store for some gum or something there is a trailer park queen in front of me in line wearing a moo moo and house slippers and she is counting out change from her change jar to buy a pack of ciggies while her mullet wearing boyfriend in the Alabama concert T is spending their welfare check on lottery tickets?

Why is it….dogs lick their beans?  Answer:  Because they can’t make a fist…think about it Pixi.  ahhhh now you get it!  LOL!!  JK..Luv ya!

My friend Nic asked this question…why is it that the doors on bathroom stalls never go all the way to the floor?  Is it for ventilation purposes?  Is it so we can admire each others shoes.  Perhaps it’s so we can make sure George Michaels isn’t in there with someone else…like certain politicians who like to frequent public bathrooms!  What the hell is going on with that?

Why is it when someone picks their nose they feel a need to inspect whatever might be on the end of their finger before they wipe it under the couch?  I know, I know…again with the nose picking humor??  Sorry.

Why is it that 10 million kids everyday can ride both ways to and from school without seatbelts and I have to have my ass strapped in to run down to the corner convenience store to buy gum only to get stuck behind Leroy and his trailer park queen in the moo moo and slippers? 

Why is it that every women over 70 feels a need to carry a change purse that is nearly impossible for them to open and to pay for everything with exact change to the penny.  Pull out a 20 for Christ sakes granny and lets get this freaking  line moving before my milk reaches it’s expiration date!!

Why is it that men die before women…because they want to!

Till next time you keep asking the tough questions and I’ll keep searching for the answers.  Oh and…Lift Long and Prosper.  *you didn’t think I’d forget my tag-line did ya?*

"B"

You’re driving alone in your car.  The road is deserted and your just driving along minding your own business when suddenly…..there it is!!  Way in the back of your left nostril you can feel it.  Lodged way in the back of your sinus cavity is a huge hunk of hardened mucous better known as a booger in street slang.  In reality this "booger" is very small but to you it feels like it is about the size of a golf ball and it must be removed immediately.  You grab a tissue and start to blow furiously but to no avail.  No matter how hard you blow you cannot dislodge it from its perch inside your nose.  A much more invasive tactic must be employed.

You look around to make absolutely sure you are alone.  First to your left and then slowly back to your right…you survey the road for any possible onlookers.  The coast is clear so you thrust your finger into your nostril all the way to the first knuckle in a desperate bid to dislodge the chunk of snot from your nose.  But you have made a fatal error….you have forgotten to check your rear view mirror and a car is approaching from behind.  Just as you reach the second knuckle on your finger and are about to remove the bothersome booger a car load of teenagers pull up on your left side and they are pointing and laughing!  Oh the humiliation.  You have just learned a valuable lesson!  Never assume you are alone.

Here is another scenario.  You’re alone in the shower.  The hot water cascading over your tired aching body feels so good.  Suddenly you realize that your in the mood for love!!!  Now you could go find a partner to take care of your lustful urge but that would require you to step out of the hot soothing shower into the cold.  By the time you get to the bedroom the urge will most likely have passed.  So since you are alone in the shower you decide to take matters into your own hands.  Depending on what sex you are you reach for the shower head or the always reliable bar of soap and you get busy.  Just as you are about to seal the deal and complete the transaction…BAM!!!  The bathroom door burst open and in flies two or three of your children.  They rip back the shower curtain as you struggle to hide all evidence of your recent lovemaking!  Because you were careless and didn’t lock the bathroom door both you and your children are scarred for life.  Never assume you are alone.

Come on….it’s happened to all of us at one time or another…hasn’t it?  Have you ever had that special itch and just as you reach into your pants to scratch it someone walks in a catches you?  Of course you have!!

Ok by now you are probably either laughing your butt off or you’re gagging because you just threw up a little in your mouth.  Either way the main question on your mind right now is, "What possessed B to write this insane blog?"  Well the answer to that question is because I had an embarrassing moment this morning when I thought I was alone. 

Every morning I take a long walk as most of you already know.  I had just finished my walk and was about to enter the house when I felt a sudden urge to break wind.  Now mind you it is 6 AM in Shitholeville so most of the residents are still snug in their beds.  So without giving much thought to my own safety or the safety of any innocent by standers I let rip with a mighty blast of wind that sounded somewhat like the blast from a trombone.  The sound reverberated in the still morning air and just as it ended I heard a small giggle from across the street.  Seems my neighbor lady had just came out to walk her dog just as I cut loose.  this sweet little lady just looked at me and calmly said…."Niiiiiiice one there neighbor!"  Never assume you are alone!

Till next time this is B your completely humiliated narrator saying….Lift Long and Prosper!

"B"…..out!! 

Here is the link to Colleens Transformation of the week.  Please check it out and give her some luv she so deserves it!

 http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/transf151.htm

Before you read this entry I must tell you that my stress level is on high today so I cannot be held responsible for anything I say or do!

Here’s one thing I know….There is no Justice for a poor man!!  You know it’s true!!  If you haven’t got a boatload of money to pay the lawyers your ass is going to the steel bar motel baby!!!  I mean come on…just look at OJ Simpson.  I don’t care what anyone says that dude ginsued his wife and that waiter and if not for his high priced mouth pieces his ass would be on death row right now.  If that was me I would have probably already got the injection and be taking the big sleep right now.  Hell now a days you can’t even splat a F-ing zombie without worrying about Johnny Law!!  I mean real life is not like the lawyers you see on TV.  On TV there are lawyers that are always taking pro bono cases just because they want to see justice served but I’m here to tell ya lawyers like that don’t exist.  On the street and in real life you pay over $100 a hour for their precious time and then they present only a half assed defense if you’re even lucky enough to have them take your case.  Like Forrest Gump…"that’s all I have to say about that!"  

Saw something yesterday that kind of disturbed me.  A  guy I work with tripped and took a spill yesterday.  The thing that bothered me about this is that this guy is just 2 to 3 years older than me but he is in horrendous shape.  He probably weighs 300 plus and it is a real struggle for him to even walk.  He walks like he’s barefoot on glass.  He smokes like 2 packs a day as well.  Anyway this guy hits the pavement and I run to his aid.  I tell him to stay down till he is sure everything is alright.  When he is sure nothing is broke he decides he wants to try to get up and I try to give him a hand.  Well as you all know I am no puny guy but I could not budge this man.  He actually had to roll over like a beached whale onto his stomach…grab the bumper of the car where he fell and walk his way up the car to a standing position.  It took nearly 5 complete minutes I swear to god!!  I cannot believe that this guy is my age.  I know this is shallow but I am so glad that I’m not like that and I am very sad because I know he doesn’t have to be like that.  It’s hard to imagine for me that a guy that young moves like a 80 year old man and is about as fragile.  It also makes me more determined as ever to not end up that way.

Have you ever seen a little girl sitting outside in her yard playing with her baby dolls?  I mean is there anything sweeter than that??  I used to love to watch my baby girls playing house with their babies when they didn’t know I was watching.  They acted so mature like a couple of mother hens….it was so cute. 

Another thing I know….it hurts like hell when you sit on your sack…YEEEEOWWWWW!!!

Did you know that it’s a proven fact that your nose and your ears continue to grow as you get older??  If you live long enough does that mean you will look like a mix between Pinocchio and Dumbo???

A good friend will be with you through thick and thin but a real friend will be sitting beside you in a jail cell laughing and saying…"Damn we f**ked up!"

Ok I think that is enough rambling for one day.  Till next time my curious friends….Lift Long and Prosper.   

Today I…"B" got a fantastic idea.  Has anyone ever seen the movie Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott???  I freaking love that movie.  For those of you who are uneducated in this classic movie it is a story of this regular size dude (Swayze) who works as a bouncer in a bar.  Well actually he is more than a bouncer he is like super bouncer…the best in the biz.  He’s a really calm guy but when he has to he goes all Bruce Lee on these drunks asses and tosses them  Anyway, because he is so good his services are in great demand and this guy hires him to clean up his bar which is being controlled by this rich dude and his evil croonies.  This rich guy controls like the whole town and makes all the businesses there pay him protection money.  So Swayze takes the job and comes to this small town and starts kicking ass with the help of his mentor.  An old grizzled bad ass dude played by Sam Elliott.  Swayze falls in love with this sexy doc who loves his soft side but is like turned off by his violent side.  So to make a long story short Swayze butts heads with rich dude, rich dude tries to kill him, rich dude ends up taking a dirt nap.  End of story. 

Well I got to thinking today that I would love to remake this movie but update it a little to fit my personality.  I’ve decided it would be fantastic to get my friend King Marmoset to play the Patrick Swayze part and I could play the part of his grizzled bad ass mentor.  But in our bar instead of drunk rednecks we could have like brain eating zombies raising hell.  It would be kind of like The movie Dusk till Dawn (another bad ass classic) but instead of vampires we have zombies.  And then I got to thinking that it would really rule if we could get Quentin Tarantino to direct it.  That way we could have all kinds of cool ass blood splatter scenes.  KM could go all medieval on the zombies and rip their throats out with like a single thrust.  Of course I would have his back through the whole movie because we are like amigos!!!  I thought that DanicaX could play the sexy Doc who falls in love with KM only in my movie she would also be an ex martial arts champion who is turned on by his violent side and joins forces with KM and myself to rid the town of the rich dude and his evil minions.  Oh and I forgot…rich dude would actually be old Scratch himself in disguise.  Oh and in the original the Sam Elliott character actually doesn’t have any love interest and ends up getting killed.  In my movie he gets laid several times and helps KM and Danica kick all the zombies asses and banish Satin back to hell.  Then in the end KM and Danica ride off together and my character goes his own way and then later we could do a couple of sequels where they once again join forces to battle Scratch once more. 

 So what do you think??  Does that sound like a summer blockbuster or what??  Stay tuned!!

Till next time…or whenever my movie comes out…Lift Long and Prosper!   

Hey everyone!  Today instead of the epic adventures of "B", Zombie Slayer, I wanted to tell you about my dear friend fitnblnde5.  Her real name is Colleen and she is one of the sweetest people I know.  I like to refer to her as "C".  In addition to being sweet she is also very attractive and has a killer pair of legs.  The reason I’m telling you about her is that she is soon to be the Transformation of The Week!  I am so proud of her.  She has come a long way in her quest for fitness and for hotness!  It hasn’t been easy for her either as she has a killer work schedule but still finds time to work out hard.  She has been pretty consistant with her diet and is a real inspiration.  She also takes the time to cheer on others when they need a little boot in the butt….like yours truly.  I truly love this woman for her drive, determination and most of all, her compassion.  When I had my accident she was really there for me and supported me.  She always has a way of putting a smile on my face no matter how crabby I feel.  Please take the time to stop by her site today and congratulate her and get to know her.  She is truly awesome!

Till next time…..Lift Long and Prosper!