The Chronicles of “B”

One of my wife’s and my favorite things to do on Sunday morning is to lie around in bed and watch classic cartoons on Boomerang.  Today while watching our toons we got into a discussion about what was the greatest toon of all time.  My wife likes the Pink Panther and the Ant and the Aardvark.  Myself I really like old Tom and Jerry toons but it’s hard to go against the old Looney Toons.  So I thought I would ask you all…what’s your favorite toons?  Don’t act like you don’t watch em because you know you do.  I mean how can you not sit down and watch an old Scooby Doo episode if you come across it Chanel surfing.  Let’s get real folks.  I’m really anxious to get your input.  Thanks everyone!

…in a dismal land filled with swamps and trees of thorns not to far from Shitholeville there lived an evil witch named K.  K’s evil knew no bounds as her heart was so full of hate and loathing that it was black as night.  K lead a miserable life and the only things she enjoyed was the pursuit of gold and she also took great pleasure in destroying the lives of all those around her who had the audacity to be even slightly happy.  She took great pleasure in making those happy people suffer and in taking all their gold.

On day K came upon a happy go lucky Prince named "B" from the land of Shitholeville.  Great was B’s love of life.  He frolicked in the land of Shitholeville with his magic dragon Puff and everyone who knew him loved and admired him for his loving heart and his many feats of strength and bravery which was known to every man, woman and child throughout Shitholeville.

K took an instant dislike to "B" as he was the happiest man in all the land and as I’ve already explained K loathed happiness.  So great was her longing for gold and her hatred of happiness that she set out to remove all of B’s gold from his possession and make it her own and to suck every bit of happiness from his grasp and make him suffer mightily for being so happy go lucky.

One day as B was enjoying the company of his magic dragon Puff; K caught him unawares and cast her evil spell.  The spell she cast made her appear as a beautiful princess and young B was completely fooled by her lovely smile and her huge ta Ta’s.  Mostly the huge chi chi’s! 

Thinking she was a beautiful and loving Princess he married the evil witch and by the time she revealed her true evil to the foolish B it was far too late.  They had two children together placing B completely under her evil control as he loved the children very much and would do anything for them.  Anything meant giving up his gold and any shred of happiness in his life.  She even made him cast aside his wonderful magical friend Puff.  So great was Puff’s sorrow that he disappeared and was never again in B’s life.

The only happiness in B’s life now was his wonderful children who showed no signs of inheriting any of their mothers evil ways.  This further inflamed K’s hatred of B so she divorced him and took his children far away from him and would only let him see them every other weekend.  The children wailed with sorrow at being separated from their loving father but K cared not about their suffering and I suspect she probably enjoyed it.  She also made sure that all of B’s gold would go to her to support the children so that he could never be happy again.

Eighteen years later and after much suffering the evil spell of K was about to come to an end.  The two young children were both grown and were about to set out on their own.  B would soon be free from the evil that was K and knowing the end of his years of misery was coming to an end he set about his old ways of happiness.  He began to acquire a little more gold, bought a modest castle in Shitholeville and settled down with the love of his life Princess Maggie who had rescued B from the misery which was K. 

The thought that she would soon be losing control of B and his gold infuriated K’s hatred all over again so once again she cast an evil spell over the local government officials and tricked them into extending the support for the youngest child Erika for one more year even though young Erika had already turned 18. 

Great was B’s anger at this treachery and thoughts of murder entered his heart but being such a good and loving man he could not bring himself to perform such an evil act.  Now B would be forced to spend another year of being poor and wondering if he will ever be rid of the evil bitch…errr I mean witch K!

The moral of this story my friends is if you have a magic dragon and are extremely happy with your life don’t jump into the sack with the first beautiful princess with huge chi chi’s you come across as she may be an evil witch who will ruin your entire life and take all your money.  You have been warned!!!

THE END!

Something is amiss!  I’m not yet sure what the problem is but it could be one of 3 things or perhaps all 3.  Either an evil wizard has cast an unholy spell upon me, or I have been vexed by a crazed witch doctor bent on my destruction, or perhaps I have some how wronged a band of gypsies and they have cursed me.  Either way I am very distressed at the moment.

Seems every time I walk by a mirror today I am taken back by the image of a huge fat man in place of my usual muscular self.  WTF!!!  How can this be??  I have not recently come in contact with any gypsies so I don’t think that could be it.  There are only a couple of witch doctors in Shitholeville and I’ve been on friendly terms with them for several years….well there was that one incident but we no longer speak of it.  So I’m thinking it must be a wizard.  Perhaps the same wizard that got my loving wife to tempt me with chocolate chip cookies sending me into a chocolate eating frenzy.  That’s right my Maggie!  I still have not forgotten your treachery.  But back to the subject at hand. 

I had though of having every mirror in my fortress smashed beyond repair but my vanity would not allow me to do it so I opted instead to take a long walk to clear my head.  The old ruins of the Miami and Erie Canal runs through Shitholeville and the old towpaths make an excellent walking trail so I set out on my quest to rid myself of the image of me as a fat walrus.

I was hopeful of encountering a rouge zombie or two along the trail or at the very least a couple of Satins minions.  The ensuing battle would have been good for my self image not to mention the fact that it could burn several hundred calories.  Especially if the zombies were a bit feisty.  Minions usually don’t put up much of a fight as they specialize in wrecking mayhem and don’t really have the stomach or the skills to do battle with a slayer such as myself.  Unfortunately I didn’t encounter either and was forced to be happy with a long brisk walk.

I am happy to report though that I do believe the walk has done me some good.  I am seeing things a little clearer now and hope that in a couple of days with intense exercise the fat image of myself might disappear entirely.  I am hopeful at the very least.  Just to be sure perhaps I’ll scourer the area later for any bands of gypsies that I might have missed. 

Till next time my friends….Lift Long and Prosper!

"B"

before I transformed myself into "B"….Hard core Mutha and zombie slayer, through hard work and exercise and partaking in the sacred "clean foods’ of the muscle Gods, I was just plain old Bryan.  Smoker of the chronic and indulger of fermented hops and barley. 

An unfortunate blow to the head a few years ago and the subsequent brain swelling that followed that blow have erased a lot of the memories I have of that Bryan fellow.  The strange thing is….I seem to retain a lot of the really bad memories while the good memories seem to elude me.   Thanks to my friends and family I have been able to recover some of those memories while some will likely remain lost to me forever.

The past 24 hours I have taken a walk down memory lane thanks to a couple of really good friends whom I met last night at a local drinking establishment.  We hoisted a few pitchers of our favorite fermented beverage and they helped me re-live my teenage years and young adulthood. 

What really struck me strange was how their perception of me and my perception of me differed.  I had always thought of myself as just a typical crazy ass teenager but these guys, and apparently many of the rest of our gang, nearly worshiped the ground I walked on.  According to them I am nearly a living legend.

Now I realize that the task of saving the world from being over run by zombie hoards has fallen on my shoulders along with my ally King Marmoset of Marmosettia.  But, even with that I have never thought of myself as a living legend.  Seems I was wrong.

As we drank of the fermented hops and barley they weaved many an incredible tale of my outlandish exploits.  To them I am Bryan….that crazy Mo Fo who leapt off the top of the Power House at Power Dam into a small retaining pool that was surrounded by cement.  IN THE DARK!!  It was a leap that should have resulted in my untimely demise and yet I lived to do it again just a few short days later.  To put it into perspective that would be the equivalent of a normal person jumping from the top of a telephone pole into a bucket of water blindfolded, living to tell of it, and then doing it again just for the hell of it. 

This was a memory that was previously lost to me but as they spun the yarn the memory came suddenly rushing back.  To this very day tales of my insane exploits are being talked about around the campfires throughout the land of Shitholeville and the surrounding kingdoms. 

Another incident that impressed my beer swilling buddies was the time I joined in a pickup football game with a bunch of the cast offs and rejects of our little realm against what amounted to our starting HS football team and annihilated them.  As they tell it I was practically a one man team so great were my skills that day and all my cast off friends bask in the glow of my greatness for that one brief shinning moment while our opponents tore at their clothes and skin in anguish over our overwhelming victory.

We re-lived the time we were drunk and I took a wiss in Chuck Teegarden’s boot as he stood abreast of me wissing.  Everyone knew I was pissing on Chuck’s leg….well….except for Chuck.  Great was his embarrassment when he found out the joke I had pulled on him.  Even though this happened  many many years ago the anger still stays inside of him at the mention of the pissing incident. 

I must say I was totally taken back, and extremely flattered, by my friends perceptions of me as a young slayer in training.  They spoke of my exploits with much gusto and laughter and here I just thought I was that crazy ass stoner kid that was just like every other crazy ass stoner kid.  Sometimes it’s really nice to take a trip down memory lane.  I must say though I am very gleeful that I lived though it and became the great slayer you know as "B"!!

Till next time my friends….Lift Long and Prosper!!!

"B"  Aka…Bryan          

My dad, God rest his soul, was the original Hard Core Mutha and he schooled me well in the ways of the Hard Core.  He never whined even when life fed him a shit sandwich and he found he had an incurable disease that would eventually kill him at a very young age.  He was a very hard man who would rather smash someones head that have any kind of civil discussion.  That was for pussies!  Pardon my French please.  I never heard him say I’m sorry….for anything and the only time I saw him cry was when his mother died.   

My dad and I never really got along very well.  The only time I remember him saying I love you is when he was near death.  Not only didn’t he say it but he didn’t often show it….not in the conventional sense anyway.  To be completely honest his way of showing love was to give you a vicious beating if you dared to break any rules.  To his way of thinking this made you a man and taught you that life is hard and you had better toe the line or you would never make it in life.

Through all the beatings and all the crap that he heaped upon my family when we were growing up I still loved and respected him….I just didn’t want to be him when I got older and became a dad.

When my dad found out he was dying he give me one piece of advise that I never will forget and I try to live by it.  He said, "Son never ever go to bed angry and thank God everyday for the blessings he has bestowed upon you," and "Never look back always look forward."  "The past is the past and you can’t go back and change your mistakes all you can do is learn from them and try to make better decisions in the future." 

I’ve tried to take those words to heart and I have done my best to live up to them.  I have failed in the past when it comes to not going to bed angry. Which I guess could be one reason I’m on wife numero 5. But, since my current wife and I have been married I have honored those words and in 8 years of marriage we have seldom spent a night apart and we have always settled any differences before we turn out the lights. 

Now as for never looking back this is a lesson I have learned well.  Remember the old saying, "Those who live in the past are doomed to repeat it."  Who ever it was that said that was right as rain as was old dad.  You can’t relive the past but you can sure make a brighter future if you just quit whining…forever whining….about your past mistakes. 

Since I have been a member of this site I have seen many, many people come and go.  Oh they were so fired up when they first started and were bound and determine that they were not going to let past failures derail them.  But as time would go by they would start blogging about how hard it was to stay the course and how they had tried so many times before and never made it.  And the sad thing is that no matter how much support and words of encouragement they received they just could not break that cycle of failure because they continued to live in the past rather than create a new and better future.  They would last 3 maybe 4 months and then "POOF" they were gone….never to be heard from again.  That is till they show up on another fitness site and start the cycle all over again.  They were doomed from the start because they could never stop looking back.

Now old dad gave me other bits of wisdom from time to time….like never shit where you eat….never piss nor spit into the wind….make sure your horse is completely inside the barn before you close the door, and make sure you remove the zombies entire head or he could still kick your ass.  All very good advice but no where as wise as Never look back.

If you ever expect to succeed at anything in life you should heed my fathers advice.  This may be his only legacy but it’s a good one.

Till next time friends…Lift Long and Prosper!!

"B"         

Pay extra special attention to this blog my friends as it may save your lives!  I want to warn you of a plot so heinous that the very thought of it chills me to my soul.

I inadvertently uncovered this plot last evening and it nearly lead to my ruination.  It all started so very innocently.  I was just chillin at my compound…sitting back reading a book when it started.  The smell was the first thing I noticed…so sweet….so alluring and so subtle that at first, even with my keen zombie killing senses, I hardly noticed it.  Like an odorous sirens song it wafted through the air…casting it’s evil spell upon me.  By the time I even had a hint that evil may be lurking about I was in it’s clutches. 

It seems some wizard had bewitched my wife causing her to do his evil bidding because when I went to find the source of this enchanting smell I found my lovely wife….baking fresh from the oven CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!!!  I was aghast!! 

As she removed a steaming hot tray of Satins delights I was engulfed by an overwhelming urge to gorge myself on these evil treats.  I tried mightily to resist but the pull was too strong and I grabbed a huge handful and stuffed them into my eagerly awaiting pie-hole!! 

That was the last thing I remember until this morning as I awoke in the gutter….my face and hands stained from the previous evenings gluttony.  I was so ashamed!

It is too late for me my friends.  I cannot undo what I have done but I can warn you so that the same fate does not befall you.  Please, please, please by all that is holy I beg you to be on your guard and resist these temptations.  You never know where this evil plot will rear it’s ugly head again or who will be it’s unsuspecting pawn.  It could be unleashed upon you by a total stranger or, like in my case, by the one person you love and trust the most.  I even understand that there have been sightings of little people dressed in brown and green costumes outside of local Wal-Marts peddling Satins wares to innocent consumers.  Don’t be fooled my friends by their curly locks and their smug little smiles….they are evil!!!

Do not disregard this warning.  The threat is real and if you are not careful you may find yourself waking in a gutter some fine morning in a chocolate induced stupor.  Believe me…the shame is more than most mortals can endure.

Till next time my friends…Lift Long and Prosper!  And beware of little people selling treats!  You have been warned!

"B" 

WTF is the matter with this site???  I used to enjoy coming here and leaving comments for my friends and reading their blogs but suddenly I can’t leave comments on blogs and it is next to impossible to navigate this place with out waiting several minutes for it to load.  I spend the entire time beating on my damn desk and cussing.  This does not make for an enjoyable experience to say the least.  If anyone can give me any insight as to how to cure this problem I would sure appreciate it.  I know I can’t stand this garbage much longer.  Am I the only one this is happening too?? 

"B"

Nighttime in Shitholeville is like a dagger….long and cold and sharp.  The cold creeps into your bones and sends a shiver straight to your soul.  Somewhere in the darkness they are out there….waiting…ever waiting.  Like cockroaches in the dark.  Lying in ambush they prey upon the innocent hoping to satisfy their insatiable hunger.  Only one thing will satisfy that hunger and it is the brains of the first poor soul that happens by.

Zombies do not discriminate.  Of that I can assure you.  Fat, skinny, short, tall, rich or poor, man women or child.  It makes little difference to a blood thirsty zombie.  As long as you have a brain your a target.  And Zombies feel no remorse.  They will eat your brains for dinner and then slam a few with their zombie buddies later and never give it a second thought.  The only ones who seem to be safe from their unholy quest for brains appears to be certain teenagers as during these teenage years many of them seem to lose their brains and thus they are of no interest to a zombie. 

This my friends is why I do what I do.  This is why I go out into the cold wet dark of Shitholeville night after cursed night.  To defend the innocent who are unwilling to help themselves.  I do it because I must….it is second nature to me now and I can never go back to what I was before.  I would sooner stop breathing then to let them win.  This is my mission….this is my burden.  Mankind must be saved!

To help me in the battle against the evil hoards I have enlisted the help of the mighty Trixter.  Trixter, a mighty slayer in his own right, is also a trainer of many a powerful warrior and he has consented to bestow upon your burly hero the secrets of his training regimen.  In his many years of training his body to be a fine tuned weapon of zombie destruction he has uncovered the secrets of the sacred 21’s and he has kindly passed some of those secrets on to your’s truly.  The zombie King Ballsack will remember this day to be sure for this is the day that has sealed his eventual doom.  I will take the secrets of the 21 to make myself into a weapon of zombie mass destruction.  I will keep you informed my faithful reader as to my progress.  In the meantime…all hail Trixter and the power of 21!!! 

Till next time my friends….Lift Long and Prosper!

"B"

At long last faithful reader the new fortress is secure.  All the necessary fortifications have been made and the compound is impenetrable against any and all forms of attack.  Even the sewers have been secured so there will be no slime creeping in that way.  I fear it is not a moment to soon.  There have been whispers on the wind of an unholy alliance between the zombie King Ballsack and the leader of the vampires none other than Queen Vajina!!!!  A cool and calculating character is she!  It is also rumored that they may unite with the demon Lord Mushrumhead!  Should this alliance take place I fear it would mean the ruination of mankind.  Especially if Lord Mushrumhead and Queen Vajina should come together.  If that should happen no telling what kind of evil they might spawn.  My plan to thwart their evil plan is to give Queen Vajina such a headache that she will reject Lord Mushrumheads advances.  This tactic has been proven time and time again in the fight against Mushrumhead!  I pray to the God’s that I will be successful in my quest. 

Although security has been addressed at the new compound I have not yet prepared a suitable battle preparation chamber.  An area of the compound has been set aside for this purpose but as of this writing it has not been completed.  For the time being the sacred battle preparation equipment will be placed in several different locations throughout the compound until a suitable chamber can be prepared.  I have enlisted the help of my eldest daughter Princess Samantha who is skilled in the fine art of welding to help me prepare some new equipment for the battle prep chamber.  We have secured the proper materials and she has begun to build me an Alter of The Squat so that I may perform the sacred squat without fear of injury.  The plans are also being prepared for some other additions to the chamber.  The Princess Samantha is a welder of extraordinary talent to be sure.

Once the chamber is complete it is my greatest desire to train others to fight with me in the battle of good versus evil.  In the immortal words of the great slayer NinjaBill…."if you build it they will come!"

The hour is late and the sun is slowly setting in the land of Shitholeville.  Soon the zombie hoards will be oozing out from under the rocks from where they hide.  I sense a storm on the horizon my friends and I go now to prepare for the  nights battles.  Pray that I stay strong and that I am successful.  Till next time my friends….Lift Long and Prosper!       

I had a conversation with a very special friend today and it got me to really thinking about my life.  Where I’ve been, where I am now and where I’d like to be. 

In my last true blog I told you of a good deed that I did for an old women who needed a friend and you were all very kind in singing my praises for that good deed.  I truly appreciate the praise and thank each and everyone of you but let me assure you I have not always been such a nice guy.  Actually quit the opposite.  There was a time in my life….not to long ago…when I was truly pond scum and that’s putting it nicely.

I was a liar, a cheat, a womanizer and an all round shitty person.  I drank like a fish, smoked weed, slept with as many different women as time would allow and then cast them off like they never meant anything because frankly they didn’t.  Oh I could put up a pretty good front if I had to.  All my girlfriends parents loved me because I was respectful when I was around them as I was to other adults when it was necessary but just like Eddie Haskel or Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde the second they turned their backs my true colors would show.

I stole from friends….I told more lies than I could ever remember, I would rather punch someone in the face than have a civil discussion and I would break a woman’s heart and stare blankly back at her with no emotions as she cried and asked me why!  It was just sex to me and I did what I had to do to get it. 

Did I ever feel remorse???  Oh My God YES!!  Sometimes so bad that suicide crept into my nasty little brain.  I actually hated myself but never did anything to stop or try to change.  It actually got much worse before it got better.

I tell you all these horrible things about myself not to try to make anyone feel sorry for me or to hold myself up as a great person for changing so dramatically but to show you that no matter how low you sink or how impossible you think it is to change….if you want it bad enough you can change.

When I hear people say, "I can’t it’s to hard," I just want to grab them and shake them.  If I could change from the low life that I once was to the man I am today then anything is possible.  So don’t tell me you can’t lose weight because it’s to hard or you can’t change your eating habits because this is how you’ve always ate.  It all lies in how bad do you really want to change.  How freaking low do you have to sink into the pit of despair before you finally get a hold of yourself and say…ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!  And this applies to every aspect of your life.  If you feel you can’t do it yourself then find a doctor or a support group or something that can help you break out of the funk!

I’m not sure what made the big difference for me but I think it started when my oldest daughter was born.  Seeing that little miracle smiling up at me made me realize that I had to change my ways and I had to be an example for this little girl. 

Did I change over night?  Oh hell no!  I still had my moments believe me….but slowly and surely I stayed the course and now feel I have my life on track.

I never lie. I am honest to a fault.  I do not cheat or steal.  I have nothing but compassion for my fellow man and I try to be as kind to everyone I meet as I can.  In simple terms I just try to live by the golden rule.  Oh I can still be a prick when provoked but you can rest assured that I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone unless they did something to me or my family first.  And even then I always search for a peaceful solution to any problem.

If any of you out there are struggling with doubt or maybe locked in depression right this minute I hope you can take some hope from this blog and take the steps necessary to change your lives around.  Believe me if I could do it anyone can do it.  How bad do you want to change???

Till next time friends…..Lift Long and Prosper!  And be kind to someone today!

"B"