The Chronicles of “B”

MAN!!  This is crazy….totally insane!!  I don’t know how others do this shaving thing!!!  This is pure torture and I don’t think I can take it anymore.  My arms and back are fine and even stay fairly smooth for an extended peiriod of time but my chest and midsection…OH MY GOD!!!!  I’ve tried using just the blade and foam, I’ve tried the Nair, I’ve tried Veet but each one leaves me looking like I tore the hair off with a steel wool pad and it feels exactly that way afterwards.  I looks like hell.  I’ve thought about waxing but my mind keeps imaging that scene from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" where he is getting huge patches of hair ripped out while he screams in agony.  NO THANKS!!  BTW, I happen to like Kelly Clarkson but don’t want to be sceaming her name out in pain.  Call me a wussy if you want but that doesn’t sound too pleasant to me.  There must be a better way.  I cannot afford electrolosis and I’ve seen too many horror stories about laser hair removal and heard it’s not really as effective as advertised….but then again what is these day’s??  Why must I be such a hairy ass ape in the first place???  Damn my Bavarian genes!!!!  

Anyway, till myself or someone else comes up with a better way I’m just gonna keep it trimmed down as best I can and if or when I do manage to compete in a contest I’ll shave it off like the day before and hope for the best.  Till then I guess I’ll just have to live with being furry.  I know one thing, this gives me a new found appreciation for what women have to go through to keep us guys happy.  They shave some very sensitive areas and just seem to take it in stride….how do you do it ladies????  If there is a secret please let me know….till then I’m giving up the blade and living with the fur cause I can’t take the pain and irritation any more.       

The other day I commented to a friend that I truly believe that the major reason we get fat as we get older is that we stop playing.  Ya know, like when we were kids.  We get so bogged down by life and all the BS that comes with being an adult that we forget how it feels to be young.  Remember how awesome summer was when you were a kid???  I still do.  I remember the first thing I would do when I woke up was to walk outside.  I remember how cool the grass felt on my bare feet and how the sun felt shinning on my face.  One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to grab a big bowl of cerial (didn’t have to worry about protein grams or calories) and go out and sit in the yard while I chowed down.  I don’t ever remember whineing "I’m bored" like my kids do these day’s because there was always something to do and it usually revolved around sports.  My friends and I would ride our bikes down to the local ballfield where we played baseball all day or till it was time for Little League practice or we had to go home to get ready for a game that night.  We had our occasional fat kid back then but it was rare….not the norm like it is today.  I remember jumping and climbing and diving in the dirt face first with reckless abandon.  I didn’t worry that I might look like a 50 year old idiot or that I might fall and break my neck, or that I was gonna pay for it later with aches and pains.  I just did it and I didn’t think about it.  That’s the feeling I want to get back!!  I want to be able to run and jump off the porch and keep on running without thinking that I might break my leg, or do a summersault or a cartwheel without thinking I look like a dope.  I want to be able to play again….really play.  I think the polometrics I’m doing will help me get there because basicaly all it is is jumping, hopping and pretty much acting like a kid.  From now on I’m gonna turn off that stupid TV and whenever I can I’m going to be outside doing something.  I got out my ball glove last night and had my wife hit me some ground balls….it was awesome.  The smell of the grass, the feel of that dirt on my hands and arms, the sound of that ball being struck by a wooden bat.  For a moment it was just like being 10 again.  I hope to capture a lot more of those moments from now on.

I used to hate Mondays.  Well actually I still do but for different reasons.  After a whole weekend of lying around drinking beer and watching real athletes on TV Monday mean’t that I had to get up off the couch and take my lazy ass back to work.  Now that I’m living a healthy lifestyle again I hate it because I have to schedule my workouts around it.  I had a few slip ups this weekend but I also discovered something that I think will help me in my efforts to get rid of 2 years of just lying on my ass and getting old.  I played a little tennis over the weekend for the first time in a long time and was disgusted over how slow I was and how painfully I moved on the court.  I used to play a lot of tennis.  I belonged to a tennis league and I played in every tournament that came along…mostly local stuff.  I never had great groundstrokes and I didn’t hit the ball with a great deal of power but I still won a lot of matches because of my movement on the court.  I could run down a lot of balls making it very hard to get one by me.  This would frustrate my opponents because to get the point they knew they had to hit a great shot and that put pressure on them.  Playing this weekend was a big wake up call.  I discovered my head still knew what to do but my legs just couldn’t make it happen.  I felt like a cow on ice the way I was moving.  anyway I’ve come to the realization that just bulking up alone is not gonna get it for me.  I want to be able to move like I did 10 years ago and I damn well believe it’s possible to do it.  Sooooo I decided to come up with a plan to do just that.  I know that your fast twitch muscles are the ones that are responsible for explosive moves.  They are the ones that help us explode into sprints or to jump from a standstill so last night I got on the computer and started researching fast twitch muscle.  I found lots of good info and this morning instead of my usual run walk I walked down to the local park as a warm up, then did some extensive streatching, and then I lined up and ran some 40 yard sprints.  Then I did some jumping moves designed to increase fast twitch muscle fiber.  While doing these moves I made another discovery….this is some damn good cardio!!!  My heart was racing like crazy after each sprint and the jumping really got it up there.  I think I may really be on to something here!!  I really hope so because what’s the point in being cut and ripped if you move like an 80 year old walrus???  Do walrus even live to be 80???    

Well I knew it was coming….it was just a matter of time till I let temptation get the best of me.  It started oh so innocently….I decided to skip my workout last night cause I was feeling a little tired.  Not wanting to overtrain I thought a little break would be a good idea.  After all I’ve been hitting it hard for a few weeks now I deserve a break, right?  I decided to take the wife and do a little shopping as there were a few things we needed.  Well the siren song of temptation started as we were in the checkout line.  Laying there, oh so seductivly was a Dove Dark Chocolate Bar….I could hear it calling to me…..Bryan, Bryan, remember how much you love dark chocolate???? How good it feels just lying there melting in your mouth??  Eat me Bryan….one won’t hurt.  Before I knew it it was on the counter….in the bag….and then in my mouth.  GOD I’M WEAK!!!  Anyway that was like a drunk taking the first drink….the flood gates were open and the binge was on.  The next stop was our favorite Mexican Food place where I consumed a big ass plate of enchiladas with beans and rice.  Of course there was plenty of chips and salsa, and I had not 1 Bud but 2 Buds…..oh my god they tasted sooooo good.  They truly are the KING of BEERS!!  I then returned home where we spent the rest of the evening lying in bed watching the TV (among other things) and while watching TV I consumed half a can of cashews.  Thank God for the other thing…at least it allowed me to get a little cardio in my evening.  Sex does burn calories….right?? 

Anyway, I was bad but today I’m over it and started my day with my morning cardio as usual.  I’ve put the big binge behind me and I’m driving forward again…….till the next time! 

A good friend just pointed out that I may have been a little harsh with last nights blog entry.  Going back and reading it again I have to agree with her.  I was stupid for letting some silly little teenager get me that upset that I had to go on a profanity laced rant like that.  I am better than that and that tirad really doesn’t hold true to my temperment.  All that being said though it still upsets me that someone…anyone would do that.  even though I boxed for several years I am not an agressive person and never poke fun at others….that kind of behavior upsets me….I won’t tolerate it in myself or from my kids and I won’t tolerate it from others.  Anyway I apologize again for going crazy.  I have better things to do than let myself be bothered by silly little things like that.

Well, Well Well….just when you think you have the world by the ass doesn’t some butthole always come along and mess it up for you???  I was a having a pretty good day…I had a good run this morning, felt strong as hell…was feeling so confident that i even posted some progress pics since i hadn’t posted any since the big shave.  Yup I was feeling pretty good.  I had enjoyed my run so much this morning that I decided I would run tonight instead of doing my regular leg routine.  Since it was so hot and since I was oooozing confidence I decided that I would run with out a shirt.  Well things were going pretty well at first….the little girl down the street waved at me and ran along beside me for a little ways till her hot mommy hollored for her to come back now.  Hot mommy even smiled and waved.  Man I was feeling strong.  I hadn’t felt this strong since I stopped running marathons.  I made it out to the 3 mile mark still going strong but I thought enough was enough I’d better head back and call it a day at 6 miles….which is the farthest I’ve ran in 2 years.  AWESOME!!!  I’m a freaking machine I kept thinking to myself…I cannot beleive I’m gonna make 6 miles running non-stop.  I was heading into the home stretch still feeling strong when it happened.  I looked up to see a car coming towards me with a teenage girl on the passenger side and her little teenage boyfriend driving.  As they passed this snotty little witch was laughing her ass off and looking dead at me.  Her stupid little boyfriend didn’t have the balls I guess cause he was looking off in the other direction when I looked at him.  In that instant all my built up confidence went straight in the toilet.  KISS MY ASS YOU LITTLE B*#ch!!!  WTF!!!!  How bout your stupid little ass getting out here and see if you can keep up with my old ass for 6 miles.  I doubt your little princess ass could make it around the block.  And how bout your little pimple faced boyfriend???Can his stupid scrawny ass bench 200lbs???  I freaking doubt it cause last night while you were having wet dreams about Justin Timberlake who wouldn’t give your stupid ass the time of day your little boy friend was probably home jerkin his gerkin on his bathroom floor thinking about anybody but your stuck up ass.  Me, I was home pounding the weights…getting strong, and then I  made love to my sweet wife, a real woman, not some little stuck up bitch with pimples on her face and her chest!!! 

Was that too harsh????  GOOD!!!

Whew!!!!  Ok, I’m over it.  Bring on tomorrow!  

On the back of my bedroom door is a full length mirror and everyday when I crawl out of bed one of the first things I see is myself in that mirror.  In the past the site of myself in that mirror first thing in the morning has made me reach for my clothes as fast as I can to cover that crap up!! UGH!!!  This morning though as I rolled out of bed I lingered for a moment because I wasn’t sure if what I was seeing was actually me!  The face looked the same (unfortunately) but there was something very different.  I took my glasses off and cleaned them, put them back on and slowly stood up and approached the mirror….ever so cautiously!!  Kind of like Elmer Fudd looking for Wabbit….shhhhhh be vewy vewy quite!   I stood there for several minutes, naked….YIKES!!…just staring.  It was me alright but where was the fur….where is the flubber????  OH MY GOD, could it be???  I think it is,  it’s actually starting to go away.  Wait a minute….is that muscle definition that I’m seeing.  HELL YESSSSSS!!!  Why I’m even starting to see a line down the middle of my midsection indicating that there may be some abs hidden in there.  This is so cool.  That damn mirror which has been a source of irritation to me for so long is now, dare I say, is becomming my friend.  I really hope it will be a long and meaningful friendship.

Chin-up Update

Pumped from my encounter with my mirror this morning I took a nice brisk strool down to the park and hit that dreaded chin-up bar.  My first attempt was pretty good but I just managed to touch my chin to the bar and couldn’t quit make it over.  Not one to give up so easily, especially on this momentious morning, I backed off, did a few laps around the park and ball fields and came back for a second attempt.  I jumped up on that bar with renewed vigor and with a mighty groan I lifted with all I had and…..Praise Jesus!!!  I got my chin over the bar.  SUCCESS!!!  One complete chin.  I dangled there for a moment…..dare I try for 2????  Hell Yesssss!  I pulled, I kicked, I groaned, and I did a few other gross things too disgusting to list here but it was not to be.  Half way up I gave out and returned to earth.  Well that’s one down and only 9 more to go before Labor Day!!  I’ll keep ya posted.  

Ever heard the saying, "Life’s a Bitch"????  Well guess what….it is today!!!  The childlike exuberance I had for life on Monday evening has quickly turned to deep dark depression.

 Tuesday morning I got up early and went for a quick run.  I had to start earlier than normal because I had an appointment for an MRI.  A couple of weeks ago I started having some knee pain so the Doc scheduled this to get a look at what might be causeing the pain.  I just chalked it up to the aches and pains of a 50 yr old trying to get back in shape after being a lazy slob for the past 2 years and went about my business.  I continued to do my cardio and still worked my legs every other day but I cut out the heavy squats to protect the knee.  It was still a little tender at times but for the most part….not too bad.  Well guess what????

  Seems I have a tear of the miniscus, whatever the hell that is, and a slight tear of the medial ligament.  GREAT!!!!!  How the hell did this happen and why now???  For crying out loud!

Ok, Ok, after I got over the initial shock of it I decided it was no big deal….I can still work my upper body, my left leg….I get the damn thing scoped, heal up quickly and get back to business.  Ok, I’m starting to get optimistic again.  I do my normal workout Tuesday night, hit the abs especially hard, skip the squats and lunges completely, and go to bed that night feeling……well……Ok.

Wenesday morning comes….I get up to do my cardio but decide not to run.  I’ll be kind to the knee and I’ll just take a brisk hour walk out in nature to get the old heart rate up, burn a little fat and clear the cobwebs.  I decide I’ll take a walk down to the local park so I can walk on the soft flat grass again sparing the knee any furthur injury.  Well after being out in the cool early morning air for a little while I was starting to feel pretty good about myself untill I noticed a chin up bar at the playground.  Well feeling pretty good about myself and knowing that I’ve been hitting the weights really hard for a couple of weeks I decide to head over to the bar and see how many chin-ups I can knock out real quick.  I jump up on the bar, hang there for a second feeling a nice streach and then I start to pull myself up….only I CAN’T PULL MYSELF UP!!!!  WTF!!  I seriously cannot even complete one stinking chin-up!!!  I can get close but I can’t get my chin over the bar.  How is this possible????  I can do Lat pulldowns with 150 lbs of weight and curl 90lbs but I can’t do one stinking chin-up!  Again I ask….WTF????

My wife say’s I expect to much from a 50 year old body, that I think I should be able to do the things I did when I was in my 20’s but it’s just no longer possible….I say BULLSHIT!!!  It is possible and some how some way I’m gonna make it happen!!  So Here it is….a new goal.  By the end of this summer, which is Labor Day, I will be able to do 10 chin-ups!!!  No if ands or buts about it!!  No excuses, I WILL be able to do it.  I think part of the problem is I’m working so hard on bulking up that I’m neglecting my fast twitch muscles….those are the ones that give you that burst, they’re the ones that help you to explode over that bar or bust into a sprint without blowing a quad.  I may not be able to look 20 anymore but I’ll damn sure bet I can feel 20!!

Age is just a number and I do not have to be a slave to it…I won’t be a slave to it and I will not bow down to the thinking that just because I’m 50 I should slow down and take it easy.  BULLSHIT!!  I’ll take it easy when I’m 120…..maybe.     

Well I did it….I got me a trimmer, a bottle of Nair, and the fur is gone.  I was right about being able to see the muscle development better but there is just one little problem…actually 2 little problems.  Number 1, with the hair gone I’m white as a ghost and number 2, not only can you see emerging muscle better you can also so the flubber better!!!  YIKES!!!!  This sucks!!!  I need to burn this crap off as fast as possible.  I know I just started but I’ve never been known for my patience.  So with that in mind I changed my routine a little so as to allow some extra time to pound my abs everynight and I bought a speed rope so I can do some extra cardio after my workouts.  I hit it hard tonight working my back and biceps and worked my abs to failure.  It felt really great and I love the way my back is looking without the fur.  The thing I really like about losing the fur coat is that I think I look a lot younger without it….there was a little gray starting to show…..well…..actually to be honest there was a boatload of gray showing and now POOF!!!  It’s gone.  I gotta post some pics soon.

What a beautiful day it is today.  It rained a little last night and this morning there was just a little hint of a chill in the air as I went out to run.  My God the air smelled sooooooo good this morning.  It reminded me of when I was a kid and I would get up early, grab my ball glove and run down to the field to meet my friends where we would just hang and play ball all day.  We would break long enough to go eat lunch and then the game would resume.  The grass was soooo green then, as it was this morning and there was a musky smell of fresh turned dirt in the air.  I really do feel like a kid again when I’m out on that road in the early morning air.  I used to always wear my walkman when I ran….usually listening to some hard rocking music to spur me on, mile after mile.  Now I’m just enjoying the sounds of the great outdoors….the wind blowing the trees, the birds singing their songs, the wind whipping past my shaved head!!!  There is a trail down the road from me that runs along the old Miami and Erie Canal and that’s where I do most of my running.  It is completely lined by trees on both sides and nature was everywhere this morning.  Squirrels, birds, and even a big snapping turtle sunning himself right in the middle of the trail.  How could I not help but be optimistic about the future on a morning like this.  The run was great and I felt so strong.  I wanted to keep going but reality reared it’s ugly head and due to time restraints I realized I needed to get back.  When I got home I burst in the door half expecting to see my mother in the kitchen cooking my oatmeal like she used to every morning and for a moment I felt just a little sadness that she wasn’t there…..but I got happy again knowing that I’ve set myself on a course that will help me maintain my health and will help me see my children and grandchildren grow up and see their dreams realized the same way I’m seeing mine.  I can’t wait to hit that gym today!!!!