BRONWYN - SHAPING UP!

Well I did not write for some time.

I decided that I definatelly will do the competitions next year. I wished to go on Universe again really a lot. But for two weeks I saw it is something wrong with me… and Mondays tests showed it up. I have damaged thyroid gland - the illness I had in the past awake again…

So in this moment I am on synthetic thyroid hormones (letrox) and I will be probbably on it untill the rest of my life. On this will be super hard to be lean….

During the weekend I enjoyed my free days and relaxation procedures again. Full 45 minutes in the warm whirlpool, one hour of herbal steam and relax in the salt cave… and the next day back+legs massage with the warm oil with herbs too (eucalyptus and lavender) …. I really enjoyed it a lot. I remember how I was not used to it and I dont like it at all - mainly I was affraid how other people will react on my body. But now I really enjoy each minute of it…. I think I may say that in training days I go hard and it is very backbreaking for me. So I need to rest and relax a lot when I have some time (and money)….

Today I am very sleepy. Tired. Third day of training in a row… tomorrow is my free day, but no relax as I have to go to my job and do milion things around. I wish to be the weekend again…. 

Well, I think this weekend I was totally disgusted, demotivated and overtrained. I think I did two steps back but the whole week I was fighting with feelings of uncertainity and moodiness…

I was focused on stupid things. Dang - I always have to look back and say I survived! I might be dead! And when I was ill I was stronger than ever, so why to be weak now… but well, it is hard.

All is only about my dream to show I may overcome the illness in sucha short time and compete in November. And about my hard coach who told me that he will not let me go! So this was the red line during the last week….

On Friday I came in the gym late and in totally bad mood. I was able to hurt myself as I can not find the concentration. So my fiance sent me at home. Coach and Daniel allowed me two days free, without any training - only cardio - with some junk food - only one a day….

I relaxed at TV, created new PC art and I have to say after this time I found my way again. I think I am now resigned to the fact I will compete in 2009 Spring. It will give me more time I need. But still I have to get down my weight on 130 lb or so, before the bulking phase. I hope it will be all right.

Today I did the food clear and I am waiting to get out of my job and go to the gym again. I will train legs+back and I hope I will get bak on the level from 9.6. 2008 and more… back to my March shape before my story went another direction than I wanted.

Yesterday was a free day and the second visit at the specialist - physiotherapist. He was quite satisfied as he told that my inner deep stabilization system is much more better after all those exercises I had to do each morning. Off course I have to continue in them + add some gymball exercises too. I guess I will add them each free day. He also looked at my stretched shoulder/back and helped me with that too. So pains are away. Now I will see him regullary each 4-6 months and he will work with me.
Also he told me to not neglect other regeneration - as massages, steam/sauna, proper stretching and some additional sports to my main activity…I will. At least I get used to massage and sauna and relaxing in free days. I did not like sauna/steam a lot before. But I realized I am relaxed and my muscles are soft and smooth and I feel fine after each visit in the Spa. The same after the massage.

But also I felt from the sky on the ground again. What caused I was not very nice person last days. Quarreled with Daniel and was not very pleasant person at all.

I have to put up with the fact that some other people lives my dreams, while for me it will stay a dream for a long long time. I always dreamed about competing in USA one day. And in fact I negotiated about something for this year.. now all is gone.

I will not compete, I am not international athlete again, and my coach told me I will start with the small regional competitions next year again… Bump!

The ground is sometimes hard. I have to put up with the fact I was never ever ripped to 100%, I will have to trrain more than ever to reach my positions back, I will compete ONLY on the LOWEST level again… and at least in 2009, not now! No Universe definatelly, no World Cup (new invitation), no Las Vegas competition….Just small shows again.

Sleeping in the car and under the tent, small and dirty backstages…. travelling by old borrowed car or by train and bus…. travelling dirty in the competition tan after the contest… I know how it was. Will I be able to do it again?

You may imagine how I felt. I cried almost two days.

Now I have to get back again…

If start from the beggining is my destiny I will have to fight with it.

Maybe I went up too fast. From real zero to hero in one year…. from regional show to international stage in 7 months… now I have to get back and continue regullary. And pay for the last year.

It is hard.. I still cry in my mind. But no other way. I resigned to all my dreams I had. I am a dreamer, but I have to learn to walking on the ground. Maybe next years will be better… maybe in 5 -10 years I will be good enough to dream again…

In this moment my motivation is on the ground too. But I know that I have to stand up and go. Live have to be lived… And nobody will do any work instead of me…

I continue in cutting, as I have to get rid of all the fat I gained in the hospital soon.

Well I almost have no time to write. Also no energy. And nothing to write at all.

Weeks are boring and slowly run away. The big hollidays strated for kids on schools, but I am in the job 5 years now… I will be in the full job 6th year in August. So for me are no hollidays… In fact I had no hollidays in a row of 3 years. I spent my vacation on precontest weeks usually.

Last week we were out for 3 days so it was something new and refreshing. But now I am again in the circle of training - eating - cardio and job… and noting new happends here….

On thursady I had a bad talk with my coach. I thought he will kick me again as I am really horrible sometimes. I am not a nice person…. I wanted to go to Universe and I am still in precontest now. But he is really hardly against that. He told me he wanted to push me back to IFBB. And I said never! Plus I still have shortened money in my job. So when he asked me if I have some extra money to spent for competitions (and he told me how much) I had to say no… But it will be not better… I have to count and live how I lived since now. I have no bank loans anymore - and that is good.

Also he shouted that NAC Universe is only a second class competition in the second class federation.. So I told him that I know that I AM THE SECOND CLASS COMPETITOR FOR ALL (INCLUDING HIM) AND SO I BELONGS TO THE SECOND CLASS FEDERATION ON THE SECOND CLASS STAGE OF THE SECOND CLASS COMPETITION…. 

Later I had some messages from him but I did not answer them yet. I dont know what to say. Off course he is true in some things…. But I still have a bad feelings and my motivation is again blown away….

Well, five days gone. Weight still the same - I am not very happy about that. I train 6 days a week cardio 3 hours a day. And I have a diet… but maybe the metabolism is still blocked.

On Friday I bought some really childish clothes with giraffish motive on it… I simply had to buy it, because it was so cute and crazy that I felt in love with it… the giraffe was so crazy with the blossom in her mouth - LOL… so I also did some pictures in it… Off course it would look better on the real bodybuilder with ripped body, but I thought how silly it will look on me now too… Big hard girls in animal-cartoon motive homewear - lets imagine it … LOL.

Here am I: http://www.skyalbum.com/showAlbum/187694

Well during the weekend I was out with Daniel. We were in his hometown on the borders.. I off course continued with the training. And cardio… I think it was more cardio as we had to walk 4 (or maybe more) miles to the gym and 4 miles back home. Maybe this was also the reason why I pulled my left Achille heel on Sunday too. I am not very skillfull last days. I have pulled back, shoulder and now also the heel . But the back and shoulder is better now and it doesnt hurt during the heavy weight training. The heel is worse as I can not do the cardio because of that.

But the way to the gym was leading across one hill above the town - and there was a nice view down so I did some pictures there one day when we went from the gym. That is why I am quite pumped there .

You may see it here : http://www.skyalbum.com/showAlbum/187697 

So this is all. Today I am back in the job in full diet but how I said without the cardio. I hope it will be all right soon to continue.

In this moment I am again thinking where to go - as I saw on NABBA World were no female bodybuilders. So I am thinking if NABBA has the value for me to be there - I am banned from IFBB as I was working for national NABBA this year and competed on WFF-NAC competitions last year. So I can not get back. But I want to have some girls in my cathegory. In NAC World (where I was prepairing to go) there were 8 girls I think. It is nice…. And in this moment NAC is really more important for me. More prospective.

Also my dream to compete in USA as FBB is still alive. I still hope I will get my visa and will get the money to travell and compete there… Maybe next year….

So I continue with precontest even I dont know where to go. Maybe next months will be clearer.

Well, yesterday late in the day I realized that all is a quest now. Quest how far I may go and which obstacles I may overcome.

This year on the beginning I was SO focused as nobody. I had my precontest diet in the time when other competitors just started to train seriously. I trained under the strict leadership of one of the most hardcore coaches in the republic. 

Many people told me that to train under his leadership is a suicide. But he was a Pro coach and he helped many "stars" to shine. I was not a star but I wanted to show him I am good enough to be his trainee - as oficially I was not. He oficially did not train me….

But in real he did. I was 11 weeks pre and I was more ready than ever in my life. Even the guys in the gym noticed it. Some people told me I am in the best shape they ever saw me…  And I finally found the right way and I did things right. No cheating, no light trainings….

Than the illness came and took away all my dreams and hopes. It is a life. Always hits you when you are less prepared. But first days and weeks the sport helped me to survive. It was a game about my life. And that was also the reason why I was so ballanced that time… but it is gone and I am back… with all of my bad habbits too…

 I was stronger than ever - when I was ill. But now I few weeeks ago was in the reality of competitive season. First I helped to some competitors to prepare including that I did the last week with one figure girl day after day - I worked on her carb loading and potassium manipulations and she really relied on me..  - so I was very close to the backstage athmosphere.

Than I helped with promoting National NABBA competitions. Helping there to my fiance while seing others to compete and how they were nominated to the national team… It was very painfull for me, because that was the stage I wished to be on. And I WAS qualified also on NAC World Championship…

So the wounds I got during the illness were bleeding again…

Now - after 8 weeks I was back in training. I did weights I never lifted before and I was focused to go not to 100% but 150% right… but first new hit was, that the coach refuse to let me compete this season. I lost almost 1/2 of the energy. Than the next hit was two days ago, when I hurt my right shoulder (now it looks like it is ripped inside or inflamated)..

So only 8 weeks after the illness I am hurt again…

But a day before yesterday I had a small reason why to smile, when one local bodybuilder asked me if I am on juice. He said I am really big now - off course in the wrong quality. But he told me he never saw a girl with quads like me. Also he told me that if I rested so long time, it is a clear thing, that all new gained weight goes to the new muscles… and he told me I really gained a lot of "new meat" … as well as he told that it is really a pitty that I did not compete because I looked GREAT 11 weeks precontest… This really made me to lift my head up.

This whole year is a quest and I dont want to let it go!

Well, my right elbow is still hurting. The pain is changing from the splitted one to the sharp and also the places are changing…. Yesterday I felt mainly the front shoulder and lat, now the rear delt and lat and biceps a little bit… so I really dont know what the h*** it is.

I still feel as a crying nobody… I promised I will be not crying anymore that something hurts or I can not stick on the diet. When I was ill I saw how silly it is. But is it probbably inside me. I bother the people around me with my bad moods all the time, and I dont want to do that. But I see how others are preparing for their competitions… and I can not. And I feel desperate and angry. Yes, few days I feel rather angry. I would like to hit the mirror when I am looking there. Hate myself I am not the real die-hard mind. 

I am a glass-made girl. Always depressed when something goes not right. And hating that. I know that I should be more stoney. Be stoney cold. Just do what is necessary and not complain! I wish to be that way hardcore one day. Just do it. No crying, no emotions, no taste, no tiredness. You may be tired - but it is necessary to train hard and do cardio each day, even whan you are tired as the cart horse. You may want pizza better than boiled chicken meat - but you simply have to do what is necessary. Why to cry, that others have more carbs in diet and their diet lasts less weeks than mine?

I have to get used to diet lasting 25 weeks, without any junk food days - as I am the totall endomorph type. I have to get used to cardio 3 hours a day, each day.. no rest… and I also had get used to occassional pains in training.

I simply have not to think about this as about obstacles or complain because of that. I want to get to the point, where I will take this as the everyday life - as common as is breathing the air. That will be the point, where I will KNOW I may do it right.

But I am simply not that type - even tough I am trying - I am depressed, when I see that agian and again I fall into the same trap.

I will use some painkillers again today. Tomorrow is a free day and I will take some hot bath and maybe massage or something like that. Maybe it will help. I will wait if the pain will be smaller but if not - well I will have to live with that. My range of motion is all right - also rotators were probbably not damaged. That is the most important thing. And I hope the time will repair it all.

Yesterday I had really good mood. Specialist helped me with my back problems and as a bonus he helped me with my old "horse" injury, so my left arm has the full range of motion again…After 8 years.

I started the day with cardio and physiotherapy exercises and I went to the job. I had clear meals all the day and I really wanted to start as a rocket…

But than the day turned wrong. I missed the post service - I did not sent one letter. I had to hurry to the bank and I came to the gym late. Maybe it was a reason why I neglected the warm-up or maybe it was just my destiny, but when I did side laterals with 33 lbs dumbells I heared a sound as from Velcro fastener in my right shoulder. Than I almost fainted because of the pain. I stopped for a while and than I tried to train arms, but my mind was somewhere else… I could not focus on what I am doing and the pain was still sharper and bigger. I quitted training, because I had some discussion with Daniel - who told me that I am stupid when I am training against the pain…

I had to use some painkillers in the dressing room. I have the permanent box there in the gym - so I have there some things all the time. I dont need to take it in the bag. And I have there one gel, with some painkillers in it. I used almost half of the bottle on my shoulder - as I felt the pain also in my right latissimus and traps. It helped a little bit but I still had big troubles when I had to dress off my t-shirt.

I called my coach imediatelly and he told me I may have ripped or stretched muscle or a little bit damaged nerve and neural connections between the muscle and spinal nerve. He told me I may train with it - but it will prolong my recovery. So he suggested me to keep it in warm and have a break 14 days from training of the upper body. F*** ! (I am sorry but I am desperate).

Off course he is right that it is better, that it happened on the beginning, than few days precontest. But it was really the last drop to the bottle. At home I took a really warm bath and I massaged the shoulder with the massage shower stream… And cried almost for one hour. I felt out of the game again. And I thought if it has some sence to do this sport, when I am still hurt or something. I feel so fragile against others. I am tired by the neverending problems.

After the bath pains were better. I cooked my meat and did my evening cardio. At least I may still do the cardio and eat clear, and this is necessary for me - as I need to be leaner. It was funny when I was doing my cardio with a bowl full of raw bloody grounded beef, mixed it by my hand with some spice - bud I really had no time to cook and I prepared all from the bike . 

Today pain is localized only to 3 or 4 places. I still hear it crackles and there is a small green bruise under my right blade-bone… but I hope it WILL heal. Today I did morning cardio and I will continue with leg training today and 45 + 90 minutes of cardio again. I still continue - through all the problems I have to solve all the time now.

Well I am back from mountains and I started a new countdown, because the last week was rather the messy one. Now I started with the real diet and proper training.

During the weekend I did not do what I really wanted, mainly due to the wether which was rainy and stormy and it is always dangerous to walk in the storm in the mountains. Off course I know what to do when you are near the top and the strom started… but I would not be happy to try it in praxes. So I sat at home 1,5 day… watching our cat walking around the room…On Saturday came my friend with her 2years old son - so we went only the small walk with him.

I was in the stable to look at horses, but I did not ride - because I had no friends there anymore. Plus I dont like riding only in the hall…

Today I am back. The weather is still horrible - dark, stormy, windy and cold. It makes me sleepy. I had problems with waking up and do my morning training (cardio + some exercises I have to do because my physiotherapist told me I need it + abs)… I am probbably the only one person who train and sleep together …

When I think on it I did not tell that I was at the specialist - physiotherapist of our top athletes. I had a bad back pains as you know… when I came he told me he see that and he started to put right my ligaments and bones.. Well it was not really nice. It is difficult to have relaxed muscles when it hurts. And in few moments I really had tears in my eyes.

He told me I had 8 blocks in my spine, 4 blocks in ribs, 3 ribs not in their places as well as my right clavicula, my left shoulder in bad position and my deep stabilization system is out of order… HUH WHAT? I really did not expect this.

He unblocked all my hurting places - it cracked as dry wood. And he also showed me the exercises I have to do now also during the training and each morning. And I have to say HE HAS REALLY GOLDEN HANDS! Immediatelly after the session my pains were away. I have again full range of motion in my left shoulder! Also my left elbow is much more better! And off course my spinal pains are away too….. So another GREAT experience.

I expect two other trainings today. Two cardio trainings and one gym training.. Plus stretching and PT exercise.

That is all.

Well yesterday I was the whole day at home, because it was necessary to drink some diuretic teas to clean the kidneys for todays tests. These tests are the controll ones after two months from the illness. I know - I KNOW -that I will be all right, because I feel it each day in the gym… But it is necessary to go….

Today in the morning they really made me "happy" because in the PC in laboratory I had another TWO requests for tests from my doctor  - kidneys (I knew about this one) + thyroid gland + the total hormonal profile test…. It means 6 test tubes of my blood, while other patients had one or two… I hate any needles as you know and I was feeling really sick, because it took some time to take it. Plus I was really hungry, because I had to come with the empty stomach (off course I ate some chicken meat and rice crisps directly in the waiting room, when all tests were done….)…

Now I am in the job, but later I will go to some screening of my neck - thyroid gland.

This training I will train legs+chest, because I thought I may train tomorrow too. But after a physiotherapy (because of my lower back - sometimes I am feeling really rather as the ill person than the athlete ) I have reccomended to stay relaxed and rather have the hot bath and go sleep sooner, to let the tissues heal. So I will.

On Fiday I am going back to the mountains where I grew up. I will be there 3 days and than I return back to my job and I am startin the real training according to the new plan.