166 Days, 24 weeks - I wish to be stoney cold!
Well, my right elbow is still hurting. The pain is changing from the splitted one to the sharp and also the places are changing…. Yesterday I felt mainly the front shoulder and lat, now the rear delt and lat and biceps a little bit… so I really dont know what the h*** it is.
I still feel as a crying nobody… I promised I will be not crying anymore that something hurts or I can not stick on the diet. When I was ill I saw how silly it is. But is it probbably inside me. I bother the people around me with my bad moods all the time, and I dont want to do that. But I see how others are preparing for their competitions… and I can not. And I feel desperate and angry. Yes, few days I feel rather angry. I would like to hit the mirror when I am looking there. Hate myself I am not the real die-hard mind.
I am a glass-made girl. Always depressed when something goes not right. And hating that. I know that I should be more stoney. Be stoney cold. Just do what is necessary and not complain! I wish to be that way hardcore one day. Just do it. No crying, no emotions, no taste, no tiredness. You may be tired - but it is necessary to train hard and do cardio each day, even whan you are tired as the cart horse. You may want pizza better than boiled chicken meat - but you simply have to do what is necessary. Why to cry, that others have more carbs in diet and their diet lasts less weeks than mine?
I have to get used to diet lasting 25 weeks, without any junk food days - as I am the totall endomorph type. I have to get used to cardio 3 hours a day, each day.. no rest… and I also had get used to occassional pains in training.
I simply have not to think about this as about obstacles or complain because of that. I want to get to the point, where I will take this as the everyday life - as common as is breathing the air. That will be the point, where I will KNOW I may do it right.
But I am simply not that type - even tough I am trying - I am depressed, when I see that agian and again I fall into the same trap.
I will use some painkillers again today. Tomorrow is a free day and I will take some hot bath and maybe massage or something like that. Maybe it will help. I will wait if the pain will be smaller but if not - well I will have to live with that. My range of motion is all right - also rotators were probbably not damaged. That is the most important thing. And I hope the time will repair it all.
June 18, 2008 at 4:02 am
Sorry to hear about the emotional rollercoaster you’re on. I think it is likely the lack of carbs that mess with our emotions. You should look into trying some meditation…it really helps.
June 18, 2008 at 5:51 am
Rather than low carbs I think it is the long lasting round of ilnesses, injuries and MAINLY the missed competition season.
I was really focused a lot on the main goal this year. But as I had to go to the hospital with those dangerous illness I lost all in one moment. Maybe I was focused too much.
Now I am jealous seing others in their competition shape, doing what I can not do this year… I wished this year to be "mine". But it is full of obstacles instead. Maybe it is the quest how far I may go and how hard I may really be.