BRONWYN - SHAPING UP!

Well I almost have no time to write. Also no energy. And nothing to write at all.

Weeks are boring and slowly run away. The big hollidays strated for kids on schools, but I am in the job 5 years now… I will be in the full job 6th year in August. So for me are no hollidays… In fact I had no hollidays in a row of 3 years. I spent my vacation on precontest weeks usually.

Last week we were out for 3 days so it was something new and refreshing. But now I am again in the circle of training - eating - cardio and job… and noting new happends here….

On thursady I had a bad talk with my coach. I thought he will kick me again as I am really horrible sometimes. I am not a nice person…. I wanted to go to Universe and I am still in precontest now. But he is really hardly against that. He told me he wanted to push me back to IFBB. And I said never! Plus I still have shortened money in my job. So when he asked me if I have some extra money to spent for competitions (and he told me how much) I had to say no… But it will be not better… I have to count and live how I lived since now. I have no bank loans anymore - and that is good.

Also he shouted that NAC Universe is only a second class competition in the second class federation.. So I told him that I know that I AM THE SECOND CLASS COMPETITOR FOR ALL (INCLUDING HIM) AND SO I BELONGS TO THE SECOND CLASS FEDERATION ON THE SECOND CLASS STAGE OF THE SECOND CLASS COMPETITION…. 

Later I had some messages from him but I did not answer them yet. I dont know what to say. Off course he is true in some things…. But I still have a bad feelings and my motivation is again blown away….

Well, five days gone. Weight still the same - I am not very happy about that. I train 6 days a week cardio 3 hours a day. And I have a diet… but maybe the metabolism is still blocked.

On Friday I bought some really childish clothes with giraffish motive on it… I simply had to buy it, because it was so cute and crazy that I felt in love with it… the giraffe was so crazy with the blossom in her mouth - LOL… so I also did some pictures in it… Off course it would look better on the real bodybuilder with ripped body, but I thought how silly it will look on me now too… Big hard girls in animal-cartoon motive homewear - lets imagine it … LOL.

Here am I: http://www.skyalbum.com/showAlbum/187694

Well during the weekend I was out with Daniel. We were in his hometown on the borders.. I off course continued with the training. And cardio… I think it was more cardio as we had to walk 4 (or maybe more) miles to the gym and 4 miles back home. Maybe this was also the reason why I pulled my left Achille heel on Sunday too. I am not very skillfull last days. I have pulled back, shoulder and now also the heel . But the back and shoulder is better now and it doesnt hurt during the heavy weight training. The heel is worse as I can not do the cardio because of that.

But the way to the gym was leading across one hill above the town - and there was a nice view down so I did some pictures there one day when we went from the gym. That is why I am quite pumped there .

You may see it here : http://www.skyalbum.com/showAlbum/187697 

So this is all. Today I am back in the job in full diet but how I said without the cardio. I hope it will be all right soon to continue.

In this moment I am again thinking where to go - as I saw on NABBA World were no female bodybuilders. So I am thinking if NABBA has the value for me to be there - I am banned from IFBB as I was working for national NABBA this year and competed on WFF-NAC competitions last year. So I can not get back. But I want to have some girls in my cathegory. In NAC World (where I was prepairing to go) there were 8 girls I think. It is nice…. And in this moment NAC is really more important for me. More prospective.

Also my dream to compete in USA as FBB is still alive. I still hope I will get my visa and will get the money to travell and compete there… Maybe next year….

So I continue with precontest even I dont know where to go. Maybe next months will be clearer.

Well, yesterday late in the day I realized that all is a quest now. Quest how far I may go and which obstacles I may overcome.

This year on the beginning I was SO focused as nobody. I had my precontest diet in the time when other competitors just started to train seriously. I trained under the strict leadership of one of the most hardcore coaches in the republic. 

Many people told me that to train under his leadership is a suicide. But he was a Pro coach and he helped many "stars" to shine. I was not a star but I wanted to show him I am good enough to be his trainee - as oficially I was not. He oficially did not train me….

But in real he did. I was 11 weeks pre and I was more ready than ever in my life. Even the guys in the gym noticed it. Some people told me I am in the best shape they ever saw me…  And I finally found the right way and I did things right. No cheating, no light trainings….

Than the illness came and took away all my dreams and hopes. It is a life. Always hits you when you are less prepared. But first days and weeks the sport helped me to survive. It was a game about my life. And that was also the reason why I was so ballanced that time… but it is gone and I am back… with all of my bad habbits too…

 I was stronger than ever - when I was ill. But now I few weeeks ago was in the reality of competitive season. First I helped to some competitors to prepare including that I did the last week with one figure girl day after day - I worked on her carb loading and potassium manipulations and she really relied on me..  - so I was very close to the backstage athmosphere.

Than I helped with promoting National NABBA competitions. Helping there to my fiance while seing others to compete and how they were nominated to the national team… It was very painfull for me, because that was the stage I wished to be on. And I WAS qualified also on NAC World Championship…

So the wounds I got during the illness were bleeding again…

Now - after 8 weeks I was back in training. I did weights I never lifted before and I was focused to go not to 100% but 150% right… but first new hit was, that the coach refuse to let me compete this season. I lost almost 1/2 of the energy. Than the next hit was two days ago, when I hurt my right shoulder (now it looks like it is ripped inside or inflamated)..

So only 8 weeks after the illness I am hurt again…

But a day before yesterday I had a small reason why to smile, when one local bodybuilder asked me if I am on juice. He said I am really big now - off course in the wrong quality. But he told me he never saw a girl with quads like me. Also he told me that if I rested so long time, it is a clear thing, that all new gained weight goes to the new muscles… and he told me I really gained a lot of "new meat" … as well as he told that it is really a pitty that I did not compete because I looked GREAT 11 weeks precontest… This really made me to lift my head up.

This whole year is a quest and I dont want to let it go!

Well, my right elbow is still hurting. The pain is changing from the splitted one to the sharp and also the places are changing…. Yesterday I felt mainly the front shoulder and lat, now the rear delt and lat and biceps a little bit… so I really dont know what the h*** it is.

I still feel as a crying nobody… I promised I will be not crying anymore that something hurts or I can not stick on the diet. When I was ill I saw how silly it is. But is it probbably inside me. I bother the people around me with my bad moods all the time, and I dont want to do that. But I see how others are preparing for their competitions… and I can not. And I feel desperate and angry. Yes, few days I feel rather angry. I would like to hit the mirror when I am looking there. Hate myself I am not the real die-hard mind. 

I am a glass-made girl. Always depressed when something goes not right. And hating that. I know that I should be more stoney. Be stoney cold. Just do what is necessary and not complain! I wish to be that way hardcore one day. Just do it. No crying, no emotions, no taste, no tiredness. You may be tired - but it is necessary to train hard and do cardio each day, even whan you are tired as the cart horse. You may want pizza better than boiled chicken meat - but you simply have to do what is necessary. Why to cry, that others have more carbs in diet and their diet lasts less weeks than mine?

I have to get used to diet lasting 25 weeks, without any junk food days - as I am the totall endomorph type. I have to get used to cardio 3 hours a day, each day.. no rest… and I also had get used to occassional pains in training.

I simply have not to think about this as about obstacles or complain because of that. I want to get to the point, where I will take this as the everyday life - as common as is breathing the air. That will be the point, where I will KNOW I may do it right.

But I am simply not that type - even tough I am trying - I am depressed, when I see that agian and again I fall into the same trap.

I will use some painkillers again today. Tomorrow is a free day and I will take some hot bath and maybe massage or something like that. Maybe it will help. I will wait if the pain will be smaller but if not - well I will have to live with that. My range of motion is all right - also rotators were probbably not damaged. That is the most important thing. And I hope the time will repair it all.

Yesterday I had really good mood. Specialist helped me with my back problems and as a bonus he helped me with my old "horse" injury, so my left arm has the full range of motion again…After 8 years.

I started the day with cardio and physiotherapy exercises and I went to the job. I had clear meals all the day and I really wanted to start as a rocket…

But than the day turned wrong. I missed the post service - I did not sent one letter. I had to hurry to the bank and I came to the gym late. Maybe it was a reason why I neglected the warm-up or maybe it was just my destiny, but when I did side laterals with 33 lbs dumbells I heared a sound as from Velcro fastener in my right shoulder. Than I almost fainted because of the pain. I stopped for a while and than I tried to train arms, but my mind was somewhere else… I could not focus on what I am doing and the pain was still sharper and bigger. I quitted training, because I had some discussion with Daniel - who told me that I am stupid when I am training against the pain…

I had to use some painkillers in the dressing room. I have the permanent box there in the gym - so I have there some things all the time. I dont need to take it in the bag. And I have there one gel, with some painkillers in it. I used almost half of the bottle on my shoulder - as I felt the pain also in my right latissimus and traps. It helped a little bit but I still had big troubles when I had to dress off my t-shirt.

I called my coach imediatelly and he told me I may have ripped or stretched muscle or a little bit damaged nerve and neural connections between the muscle and spinal nerve. He told me I may train with it - but it will prolong my recovery. So he suggested me to keep it in warm and have a break 14 days from training of the upper body. F*** ! (I am sorry but I am desperate).

Off course he is right that it is better, that it happened on the beginning, than few days precontest. But it was really the last drop to the bottle. At home I took a really warm bath and I massaged the shoulder with the massage shower stream… And cried almost for one hour. I felt out of the game again. And I thought if it has some sence to do this sport, when I am still hurt or something. I feel so fragile against others. I am tired by the neverending problems.

After the bath pains were better. I cooked my meat and did my evening cardio. At least I may still do the cardio and eat clear, and this is necessary for me - as I need to be leaner. It was funny when I was doing my cardio with a bowl full of raw bloody grounded beef, mixed it by my hand with some spice - bud I really had no time to cook and I prepared all from the bike . 

Today pain is localized only to 3 or 4 places. I still hear it crackles and there is a small green bruise under my right blade-bone… but I hope it WILL heal. Today I did morning cardio and I will continue with leg training today and 45 + 90 minutes of cardio again. I still continue - through all the problems I have to solve all the time now.

Well I am back from mountains and I started a new countdown, because the last week was rather the messy one. Now I started with the real diet and proper training.

During the weekend I did not do what I really wanted, mainly due to the wether which was rainy and stormy and it is always dangerous to walk in the storm in the mountains. Off course I know what to do when you are near the top and the strom started… but I would not be happy to try it in praxes. So I sat at home 1,5 day… watching our cat walking around the room…On Saturday came my friend with her 2years old son - so we went only the small walk with him.

I was in the stable to look at horses, but I did not ride - because I had no friends there anymore. Plus I dont like riding only in the hall…

Today I am back. The weather is still horrible - dark, stormy, windy and cold. It makes me sleepy. I had problems with waking up and do my morning training (cardio + some exercises I have to do because my physiotherapist told me I need it + abs)… I am probbably the only one person who train and sleep together …

When I think on it I did not tell that I was at the specialist - physiotherapist of our top athletes. I had a bad back pains as you know… when I came he told me he see that and he started to put right my ligaments and bones.. Well it was not really nice. It is difficult to have relaxed muscles when it hurts. And in few moments I really had tears in my eyes.

He told me I had 8 blocks in my spine, 4 blocks in ribs, 3 ribs not in their places as well as my right clavicula, my left shoulder in bad position and my deep stabilization system is out of order… HUH WHAT? I really did not expect this.

He unblocked all my hurting places - it cracked as dry wood. And he also showed me the exercises I have to do now also during the training and each morning. And I have to say HE HAS REALLY GOLDEN HANDS! Immediatelly after the session my pains were away. I have again full range of motion in my left shoulder! Also my left elbow is much more better! And off course my spinal pains are away too….. So another GREAT experience.

I expect two other trainings today. Two cardio trainings and one gym training.. Plus stretching and PT exercise.

That is all.

Well yesterday I was the whole day at home, because it was necessary to drink some diuretic teas to clean the kidneys for todays tests. These tests are the controll ones after two months from the illness. I know - I KNOW -that I will be all right, because I feel it each day in the gym… But it is necessary to go….

Today in the morning they really made me "happy" because in the PC in laboratory I had another TWO requests for tests from my doctor  - kidneys (I knew about this one) + thyroid gland + the total hormonal profile test…. It means 6 test tubes of my blood, while other patients had one or two… I hate any needles as you know and I was feeling really sick, because it took some time to take it. Plus I was really hungry, because I had to come with the empty stomach (off course I ate some chicken meat and rice crisps directly in the waiting room, when all tests were done….)…

Now I am in the job, but later I will go to some screening of my neck - thyroid gland.

This training I will train legs+chest, because I thought I may train tomorrow too. But after a physiotherapy (because of my lower back - sometimes I am feeling really rather as the ill person than the athlete ) I have reccomended to stay relaxed and rather have the hot bath and go sleep sooner, to let the tissues heal. So I will.

On Fiday I am going back to the mountains where I grew up. I will be there 3 days and than I return back to my job and I am startin the real training according to the new plan.

Well, days are running so fast now, that I am hardly able to write my trainings. On Friday my after ilness phase ended up and I entered a new chapter… Or rather I stayed in the free space between post illness and precontest. I did not know if I will stay with my coach and later I did not know if he will stay with me….

On Saturday we were on first NABBA national championship - as my fiance was a medial support and I helped him. The show was fine, but I had a weak moment there when I could not hide my tears… When the Figure- Physique cathegory was on stage. I tried to hide my tears by my hair falling into my face… but I am not sure if anybody seen that. Maybe my coach who was there as a head judge.

I wanted to talk with him but he had no time for me, than I saw him with one of our top Figures to make jokes/chat… I was down…  But in the evening it was him, who took us to the restaurant and half way home.. And I saw how tired is he again. He worked a lot on the organization of all competitions….

There in the restaurant we met one of our top competitors and national team leader - who took us at home, while our coach continued to his home….So the evening was not so bad.

But than two days I was waiting if my coach will write me new training plan and new diet. I always think about the things in the worst light, so I thought that I can not match our top Figures, who were around my coach on the competition.  I saw myself really in the bad light besides them…. They are TOP - they are miles away from me…

So I thought he will left me. But today finally I got a new plan. And I had a call with my coach… when I heared him shouting on me how bad condition I have and how I dont need the sleep, but I need to get my ass back to saddle of stationary bike I was happy on one side. It was my "old coach"…. never satisfied with me….

Off course my nowdays plan it is a bash! The training plan is rather a plan for the racing horse! Whole body trained 3 times a week, training 6 times a week! Legs each other day…. 45-60 minutes of cardio in the morning, 45 minutes after training, 60-90 minutes in the evening….. I am feeling to train on Tour De France - rather than on bodybuilding competition!!!

Food is clear and strict, welcome in zone of chicken and rice… Only 50g of carbs a day.

According my coach I dont need much sleep. He told me 5-3 hours is enough in dieting… I may sleep 12 hours in the free day, where I have also no cardio, I have massages and physiotherapy there - to heel what will be damaged during the week….

According my coach I am terribly fat and I have to get rid of 22lbs in next 3 months and than hold the weight and bodyfat % on the low level…. He shouted on me like before the illness… no mercy. I felt stupid - as usually - but I also realized he still wants me to push me higher.

I will try to survive this and in next three months get into the shape of prepared Figure… "my offseason"

I will write more about me later as I was bussy by re-writing my lifestory. I put it on the single pages. It is about my life.

How I felt it… If you are interested about it you may read it here:

http://blog.bodybuilding.com/Bronwyn/the-story-of-my-life-–-true-story-about-how-i-became-a-bodybuider-i/

1st chapter is about my early years and competing as a teenager.

http://blog.bodybuilding.com/Bronwyn/the-story-of-my-life-–-true-story-about-how-i-became-a-bodybuider-ii/

2nd chapter is about my falls and mistakes and competing in the open class in Figure and Bodybuilding. So if you are interested in, you are welcome.

Well, today is the last day of my given "post-illness" cycle of trainings. Yesterday I did about 5-6 PRs. I did one arm bent over dumbbell rows with 77 lbs dumbbell… And it was really something great! I also finally did biceps curls with 33 lbs dumbbells and I did cable triceps pulldowns with 121 lbs weight! WOW - I did not believed to my eyes!

I had not very optimistic mood when I came, but this training was great. I tried to do the highest weights I could and at the end I was sweating as a horse. Drops from my neck and nose dropped on the floor in the last sets. It made me to feel better. I had so pumped arms, that I might hardly to drink or dress of in the dressing room. I felt this training as one of the best in the last few weeks.

So I think I am back and maybe on the higher level than I was. My body is still not in shape I thought, but slowly I am getting from the after-ilness-fat mode to the shape of "bulking" phase… And I know when I will get over this point my way forward will be open and free….

Today I have leg day. And I will try to do another PRs - even I dont know if my back will be all right to try more than 154lbs on the squats. 

Tomorrow I have a free day and on Saturday we will on the NABBA Nationals. To work there …. I will see on Sunday how I will start the new phase… I thought I will prepare for NAC. But I will see. Off course I know that I will continue in cutting in the diet. The only one question is how. But this is what the future will bring.