BRONWYN - SHAPING UP!

I am back from the competition I wrote about. I have some mixed feelings. Off course I am jealous to other women, who competed there…. because I might be there too….

On the other hand I saw they are not unbeateble…

I have a lot of things to improve against them while I have to keep my strong parts still strong…. But I may gain some parts a little bit only and I have a plenty of time right now.

I am half to half sad but also motivated to other trainigs and diet… I did not expect that during the show my feelings of sadness will be gone and my motivation will appear again.

I want to improve. I may be worse in some parts but I may be equal in many and dominate in some…. So I am not only the bad one…. Many of them has small hips - my hips are broad, but I have also broad back… I am built as a freak, not the elegant lady… I am not tall, slim waist and narrow hips and long and smaller legs…. My legs will be my weapon, as I have them twice as big as the best. My back will be the gun Nr. 2 in size… but I need trapesius desperately. MY arms and shoulders are the worst problem right now.. all those girl had it bigger. So I will have to focus on them. I will be small but wide. I have to get rid of the abdominal fat too.. to make my waist tiny too.. I will have no small butt, but I may be an hourglass.

So tomorrow I am going to train and I will start a new week with new diet. That is all….

Next weekend we go to the Republic championship to support the competition and the NABBA federation again.

I am in my old skin before the illness. Again I am depressed and down and I hate feeling like this… but tomorrow is the day, when I should be on stage. Tomorrow is the competition I prepared for the whole December - April period, before all this things happened.

And I promised to be there with my fiance.

Promis is a promis. But I really wished to sit in the dark in the last row of seats…. And my plan was to go and take a walk untill the female cathegory will be over. In comparing with them I feel how bad I really look. And off course my heart will bleeding more when I will see that life.

But we got the VIP tickets to the first row…..

I dont know if I will be able to sit there. I am not a VIP. I am a zero, trying to get back from the dark to the light to warm up a little bit. I am affraid that people who dont like me will see me there… Plus it is pretty hot here and I have only one summer dress…. It is pretty tight and I dont want anybody to see my hips, butt, my belly….

But it is really hot outside.

So I will see tomorrow. It will be a real quest for me…. But two more weeks and it will be over me. Two weeks and the competition season will be closed.

Well,

yesterday I trained again how I was used to.. but my lower back pains are still stronger and stronger. I tried to do squats with more narrow back, I tried to not cheat in any exercise to avoid not controlled movements, I had a belt the whole training….

When I am in the training itself I feel no pains. I may train with my average weights - I only had to watch out the squat and I gave there only 132 lbs for 3 sets of 8 reps…. But despite all things I did - to avoid the pains - in the evening I felt them slightly again and in the morning I woke up and I was so broken….

During the day pains become sharper and I realized they are from the middle back to the lower back on the right side. I took my bag on the other shoulder than I ussually have it today - what helped me a little bit. Also massages help me a little bit - I got one in the Sunday evening. After massage the pain is away- for lets say 24 hours, sometimes longer - but than it returns.

Despite this it is something wrong. .

It is not metabolic problem as I had. My heart, my kidneys and my hormonal system is 100% right again after one month. Metabolism is still slower but it works. I have enough vitamines and minerals. My kidney and liver tests are in normal… SO this is not connected to my previous illness…..

And I think I train smart. Hard but smart. I had enough time to regeneration and to get used to training…. And still I am not on the 100% level in trainings….

So I shared some e-mails and had a call with the great physiotherapist now. He is working with several really TOP world athletes - so he knows what competitive sport is about. He told me he will try to help me. It is a luck that I got there - because this physiotherapist may choose his clients. He ordered me on a session 12th of July. Untill that I will have to wait and train with lower intensity….

But lower intensity means also slower progress. Sometimes I really think if this is not a sign to quitt this sport and train only as the average person… but I wish to see my body in 100% shape one day….It is very hard for me. But I am thankfull I may train at least, and not to be again at home.

Well sometimes it is good to look back and see the things in the light of previous experiences…. It is the competitive season here so I see people in shape and precontest all the time, while I myself am overweight. Next weekend here will be the competition I have been prepairing for before I was ill. So it is much more harder to now I might be there… and see how other girls will take a place in the national team.

So you may be not surprised that I felt to the depressions again… But I am one month in training and I analyzed the changes today morning… And I read through my blogs and thoughts I noticed in the hospital and after that… and I realized I become silly the same way I hated when I was ill. I am again crying because of the silly things again. I know that what I am affraiding the most is, that people who dont like me will see me in the auditorium and will talk about me aside again. But who cares? Maybe they should look even worst if they had come through the same problems I had. I am here. I am fat. I am on my road back. And offseason shape doesnt matter.

The only one person who may say if I did the improvements or not is me.

I gained legs and chest and traps a little bit. The main battle will be with the abdominal fat and size of shoulders and arms…. I am satisfied but not to 100%.

My stats:

 20.4.08 ……………………Now 25.5.08
Weight 71kg …………………….70kg (-1kg)
Chest 109 cm ………………….. 107 cm (-2cm)
Waist 73cm …………………..67cm (-6cm)
Hips 93cm …………………..86cm (-7cm)
Thigh 59cm ……………………. 61cm (+2cm)
Calve 38cm ………………………….. 41cm (+3cm)
Biceps 34cm ……………………….. 36cm (+2cm)

Yesterday I had another training day. It was good untill I found out that I probbably broke our camera. It is my fault but in fact it is Daniels cam - so I will have to find out how to pay and buy a new one for him… My good mood was away. I did only few pictures of me squatting. On the other side I did 4 sets with 8 reps with no support with the weight 132 lb. That was good. I am almost back where I was before the illness.

Fourth set with 132 lbs - this is what I call “deep squats” .

Today is a crazy day. In the morning I missed the cardio. I found that some homeless people are in the loft of the hose we live in. And drunken. I thought about calling the police, but I was too late. So I let it be - but all the way to the job I saw how the house will be robed or how they will cause the fire by cigarettes… and I thinking on it so much that I missed the station to change trams.

After that I found out that the tram to my job is not going, so i had to change twice and go the longer way. I was hungry and I am tired after yesterdays training… so first I had to go to the shopping centre… I usually buy grilled chicken breasts there - but today they had some troubles with grill so I had to buy only some wholecorn rolls and plain yoghurt… that is my food for today. Poor.

I am tired, not in the good mood and I only pray to stop this crazy morning and have some better evening and weekend. Well sometimes this thing happends. But I had totally wicked morning.

I hope that in the weekend I will have some massage and spa - sauna or steam and whirlpool again, to get my body and soul to the strain. I can not imagine to deal with some more troubles now.

Have a great weekend and less crazy days than me.

I realized each day I am more and more hardcore.

I love my trainings now. Hard, painfull, basic. Squats, deads, rows….. basic and simple one. I almost dont use any machines or cables as I used to do. I used to do heavy lifts and in fact I feel a little bit angry when something stop me in the heavy trainings….

But yesterday I had to lower the weights on squat, because I had something with my right lower back. Some overstretched (or ripped - now I know it really IS stretched but one day before yesterday I did not knew it) spinal muscle probbably. So I had to lower the weight to 110 lbs (I had about 20-30 lbs reserve). When I said it loudly - that I feel weak because I do squats with ONLY 110 lbs, my fiance laughed… he told me “Which female may say that she is squatting ONLY with 110 lbs!” .. that makes me laugh too….

Yesterday I did my PR in bent over rows - 154 lbs for 8 reps in 4 sets… that is nice, when I have around 150 lbs bodyweight.

I also dont need anybody to meet. I used to be sad, that I have not a lot of friends … but now I see I really dont need them. Few people I have are TRUE ones, I need and I really like a lot. Nobody else is important …. Friends I have are those I really may rely on. So why to try have a plenty of “friends” who left you in the moment you are not on the top.

Well and at least I really wanted to have some pictures from the  REAL training. I see in magazines, I see also here and I see it all over the internet, that so many females tries to show that they may work out and stay “girly”… but how do you want to train really heavy and stay like that? Who smile on the training when muscles burns a lot and you dont feel your palms and wrists? Who is wearing a makeup?? Pink weights?

And OK - it may be not this extreme, but wearing a tank top? Training in the luxury gym with polished machines? I dont know what it is… I train in the former military shelter in underground. The floor with rubber on it is covered by dust. Pipes are above your head…

When I train I have not nice hairstyle, I am sweating and I wear T-shirt, long trousers and I am bandaged around the major joints to avoid the injuries…

It is not about “being pretty”… it is about the work. I may be pretty going outside in the evening. But in the gym I have to stay what I really am…

So here are the pictures… no smile, no makeup, no tank tops or shorts. It is me in the gym, thats all. Thats simple .

When you want to keep the conversation and not to be unpolite it is good to talk about some non conflict theme - as weather ….

In fact I have nothing more to say. I am tired. As well as I told that the season makes me sleepy or active, the weather makes me sleepy too. Or rather bad mood and good mood. And the weather was great the last week. I had my trainings very intensive according to this.

But when I wanted to go out and make some new pictures - however I am not in shape at all - with some spring flowers as tulips or apple and cherry trees or under the violet blossoms of lilac, the weather turned to rainy and stormy one.

So today I am freezing and my mood in on the zero. I had a big problems with persuading myself into doing cardio this morning. I wanted to stay in the warm bed and sleep more instead…. But the discipline I found in the last days was stronger, so I jumped into my sport shoes and goes there….

Now I am in the job, drinking a hot mint tea and I have no energy to work. It is an easy work for me and I ussually do everything in the morning. But today I will be lazy .

Afternoon I have a training - legs and shoulders. Shoulders are my priority. But I am really curious about my squats today. Plus still I have pains in my lower back. It is a sharp pain now in one of my spinal muscles - maybe I have it a little bit ripped. And again - the cold weather is not very good for it too.

I will see, maybe I will lower the weights there. Or will do some legpress instead. But in the last time I like the squats as I used to hate them…. 

I hope that the sun will appear next week again.

Well I wanted to write here something really „funny“ about how I wrote about the great weather here and I had to go to the gym in the storm, and I came in summer skirt and tank top totally wet. But I think it is not important now.

And fact is that I have no idea what to write about. It is a Friday today, I am lazy and I have two free days in front of me. Some steam and whirlpool again on Sunday. I feel sleepy…

I gained legs but also butt a lot – having now realy a squat butt and thigs as a horse. I expect when I will achieve 70cm (27,6“) …. And I know I will have to focus on my soulders and lats because of that. I dont want my butt be the same measurement or bigger than the chest measurement! Now I have 17cm (6.7“) difference… and I have still 38cm (14.9“) difference between chest and waist and 21cm (8“) between the waist and hips…. That is not a bad ratio at all, but I want to make it better too.

I also read my previous Blog posts from October and November and December….. I have erased the posts from 2006 and rest of 2007 – but I was surprised how much I changed in such a short time. I know that in THAT time I really felt what I wrote…. But some words are not me now. I feel like I was a child, crying for everything…. Everything what was not so important….

I think that I changed a lot during the years. I am still not perfect. I am not a machine, I cheat in food, I cry when I feel down and still I think about if the bodybuilding was a right choice for me… But I see that even if not – I can not imagine to be without it. So I will do it – never mind how my genetics is. And I see all those things not so „tragic“ as I had seen before. I can enjoy all the time better now… I am able to train much more harder for example. If I cry – it is now more ironic. I say it as a joke – and feel it not so much „bad“ as I used to do….

I think that the biggest „tough“ personality I found during the illness. When we are down we probbably run on some more harder „survival“ mode. Now I did a small step back – but still the piece of the wild beast stayed with me.

Hard to say how big influence have my coach and how big influence had the illness and all things around I had to come through…

But I like it how it is now. (Except the fact I had to miss a year )

Well it is a nice day today, I had a good training yesterday, I had morning cardio and now I am in the job, I have my job done and I am waiting for the afternoon bussiness meeting. In fact I jumped out of the witer clothes to my summer clothes - because the temepratures here are summer-high. Today I am going to train my legs+shoulders+abs. I am thinking of letting legs as the last, because squats are really makes me energyless. But probbably they really works because since my return to trainings I gained almost 4cm (1.6″) around my thigh. And it is solid mass no fat. I lost the same measurement around the waist and hips.

That all makes me more optimistic. Todays food is more “junk” - well not really but I was too tired to cook so I bought 450g of grilled chicken breasts and some wholecorn bread (200g). And I have it in my job today. But I think that when I get rid of the skin it is all right and small amounts of fat offseason are good for the health. Too low fat intake in food may cause problems with hormonal synthesis and some vitamines.

So I think about mottos I had here during those years. I started with this few years ago. In 2006 first. Motto was always some citate which was above me. Something I was not able to do - but I tried to achieve it.

In the past I had “I did it because I could, I could because I wanted to, I wanted to because you said I couldnt” - This was the motto in 2006 when I fight with many people who did not trust me to get back on stage after 6 years. This people told me I could not be a Figure anymore. Yes I lost that competition, but I did it. I stood as a Figure on stage on the real competition.

I had also the motto I think out myself “When you want to reach the Eden, than you have to go through the Hell”  - It was in 2007. The athmosphere around me was very bad. And I knew that when I want to find the way out it will be a Hell. Got not only through the pain and misery during the diet and training - which had to be harder than I ever had - but also through the hate I had around. It was a quest for me and first time I wrote this as a motto here. I trained I&I like system of trainings, I had no carb diet and hours and hours of cardio. I had nobody to cheer for me, no coach, no friends to support me…. I really came through it and found the Eden at the end on the first international contest I ever did.

Last motto you might read here was “Exitus in dubio est, audebimus ultima - How it will end up I dont know but with neverending courage I will try it!” - May also be translated as - when the goal you have seems to be not real, you have to have neverending courage to go for it. If you will, you may achieve even what seems to be untouchable. This motto was connected to Universe. I never thought I will be on Universe one day. Universe was something unbeatable. Something from the world of dreams…. And I got the offer to try it. First days it really made me down - because I had no courage to try fly so high. But than I found this motto as it happens and I found a great gear in it. When you have something big before you have to take all courage you have to climb on the mountain. I climbed.

Now I have two mottos - “ CREDENDO VIDES - By believing, one sees.”  - this one belonged to the competition in Spring I can not go now - you all knows why. But I let it. Because I still fight with the lack of faith. Not religional, but faith to myself. I dont believe I may be the top and push my body under 10% of bodyfat. But I am trying to believe and be obey to my coach and D-J. So this motto says, that when you really strongly believe in something, you may see it will happen. I let it as my motto still, because I could not reach it.

Second motto is from G.I.Jane film. “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” - I took this motto now after my return back to the gym. It reminds me that when you really want to go further you can not still feel sorry for what happened. I still feel the sadness when I am looking back - how I looked 11 weeks precontest and where I maybe might be…. but it is a question nobody will answer to me. I might be good or bad. I might do a mistake or go right… But when now I want to return back I can not feel sorry for the things past even for myself now. I can not feel sorry for myself when it hurts. I can not feel sorry for myself when I can not compete this year. I have to go further… and see the future. That is the only way out.

Well yesterday I had to pay for our flat and for the telephone and other - but when I came to the bank I realized those f** bank has open only to 5PM. It opens at 6AM…. It is open the whole day when average people are in the job. And it close when you are ending in your job too…

Who needs to be in the bank at 6AM ? I guess that much more efective would be to open lately and close lately. At 7PM or 8 PM….. To allow people to do what they need. And I remember that the bank used to be open only till 3PM in the past… So when you needed something to do there you had to take a vacancy.

 So today I will have to go to the bank once more. Before the training… What off course means that I will be late in the gym and I will be late at home. :(

 Yesterday evening I got a massage from my fiance. I did not know he knows sport and relax massages SO GREAT! I almost slept when he was working on my back and I really loved when he massaged my hamstrings. And it really helped me a lot - as I told you yesterday I feel broken from the new kind of trainings. Today I feel fine, but I would needed massage of quads and chest next .

 I love it - and I love my darling who is now my spotter, partially my coach, my psychologist and now also my masseur …. Well I feel shame a little bit. I hope I am not finicky too much