BRONWYN - SHAPING UP!

Well, today I feel my leg muscles aching terribly, but today is second training in the two-week condition hunt. And I am now decided to do everything according to the plan. So in the morning I limped off to the stationary bike and I did 30 minutes in sharp tempo. After that I was able to move my legs better - so I had a hot shower and went to the job.

I forgot to make my breakfast so I bought some mixed eggs in the McD… huh never again! I had to throw away the bun - because it was oiled and I found two egg shells in the meal. And I am not sure how much eggs it was - usually they mix four. Well - this was not very good start, but still acceptable I think.

For the rest of the day I have chicken - italian version (chicken meat with tomatoes, garlic, oregano, basil - all mixed and stewed on the pan). And some rice. I really like various kind of chicken meat with rice last days. I have no need for junk food - when each day I cook something different.

Afternoon I will train the fullbody training again - even though I am curious on squats with legs aching like now. It will be a funny view on me - squatting with some light weight and crying …. But I will do it. I am impatiently looking forward to each training now - it is almost as good as when I was a newbie.

But also I will NEVER help any other people - except those paying for it. From yesterday I had 7 personal messages on another board and 3 text messaes in my phone from the Figure girl I helped in Thursday. She is 3 days out now. She does her carb loading and sodium/potassium loading. I told her how and what is necessary to do. But off course she did not listen and did all things her way. I told her to train only once a day - off course, she is small and she did not store a lot of gylcogene in her small muscles. In carb deload she might have pretty bad hypoglycemia…. but she went to training twice a day, she trained hardly and when I asked her why she told me - because now I have some time and I may! I almost fainted. I told her that now it is not about what you may or not - but what you MUST do. And I predicted that she will be sick today - third day of carb deload. Off course she is. But I have to stay cool. It is her battle - and her way she choosed. I am not responsible for another people…. But I can not imagine to be her real coach!

And I come to realize that I am now pretty close to my own coach. I was like her. I did not listen many times…. and off course I was more responsible, I read a lot, I did a lot of things better and the LAST WEEK I ALWAYS DID WHAT MY COACH TOLD ME!  But in many other ways I was probbably the same. Crying, complaining, affraiding about myself… I had to call him and tell him I am sorry from the bottom of my soul if I did anything like this before. He told me that it is all right and he hope that I will continue in this right way.

And I realized he really changed me. I am harder, smarter, I am pain-resistent, dispassionate, I took also a piece of his pedantic approach to the sport itself…. I never was. Now I agree with it all and I hope soon all those things such a proper nutrition, hard training and smart using of supplements will be absolutelly normal for me in everyday life. I am thankfull that I met this man who turned my way to the right direction.

Well, finally I am in the more intensive training cycle. I found out that 15 reps is a lot. And that squats may be heavy even with 77 lbs only. As well as biceps curls with 44 lbs barbell. But now I know why are those exercises called basics.

Today I feel tired and my muscles hurts me everywhere. Mainly quads, hams, arms and several ligaments and joints. But the pain is all right. Excpet the black bruise I have now on my knee - when I hited myself while doing deadlifts… It is mainly a muscle pain after the heavy workout - my muscles are just not used to work right now. So I feel satisfied a little bit - except the night when I woke up and had to think how to lay down without touching all those hurting places.. but I had to be hanging upside down from the ceiling - to avoid it - LOL . I feel I am in again. Welcome in the pain zone .

Today morning cardio was all right again. After hours and hours I spent on my stationary bike - 30 minutes is nothing. I eat clean and yesterday I talked to my coach to know what to eat exactly. In fact he did not gave me the diet now - I choosed it myslef. But in the morning I really want to bake the eggwhites panckes for me - and one ingredience are oat flakes. He told me now it is not important where are carbs come from, but it have to be complex carbs - no sweets, no sweet oats, no fruits.

So today I have some chicken with rice ala chinese food (soya sauce, some leek, some spice, rice) and in the morning I had the pancakes… The recipe is easy. You just mix eggwhites (I added one yolk) with oats (I gave 5 eggwhites for 50g of oats) and let it swell, than add salt, some garlic (dried as a spice or fresh - squeezed)  and marjoram (origanum) - mix it again. From this mixture I do small pancakes and I bake it on the teflon pan on a small amount of olive oil. It is GREAT .

I feel so well-balanced in what I do as I never felt. Finally I have the feeling that I do everything right. The only one cloud on my bright sky is how I look. Still it is hard to see myself in the mirror and than see pictures of others - competing, looking great - and me? I will definatelly need bigger shoulders and arms after I will get back to the training for shape. I will have to focus on it. As well as traps again - even tough I feel them from the yesterdays deadlifts.

Well today is the off day. I will relax, because tomorrow I have next intensive training Nr.2 … and on Friday Nr.3 and than only one another week.. and I will see the first results - if there will be something to see.

Well, today is 9th day of my way back. I was never so in the diet and trainings… I wake up with no problems, I have really tough cardio in higher speed with higher resistance and I feel fine, the whole day I eat really ONLY what I have to - no taste for some junk (what is great!) and I am really looking forward to new training cycle which starts today!So I am sticked not to 100% but to 110%….. The only one thing is I can not see any progress. Maybe it is too soon.

I feel very good physically - after the morning cardio and on the diet clean food I feel full of energy. My muscles are still aching a little bit but I am sure I may do first day of the new cycle. This one is heavier than last week. Basic exercises - full body. Squats, deadlifts, presses - but all with the lighter weights for 15 reps. I am curious not to my strenght but to how I will breathe. Because 15 reps for complex exercises is almost the cardio too….

Psychically I feel a little bit better. I believe that better days will come. Off course - it is a last week before the competitive season and it will be a tough time for me. Mainly when I consult with one figure her precontest and carb loading… So I am partially in and than I see myself in the mirror and I feel - well - fat. I would like to skip the time to the moment when I will be all right again. But I have to live with the body I have. And work with it. It is so easy to forget that few weeks back I was almost dead. It is so hard to see the future. But I live and I have to live now. Live have to be lived…..

PS: I am at home after the training. I had a new one - the whole body again but basic exercises and reps about 15. Three sets… It was quick, but also very difficult.

First I did squats 3×15 with 35kg (77lbs), than benchpress on multipress 3×15 20kg (44lbs), seated shoulder preses with dumbbells 3×15 5kg(11lbs), French press 3×15 10kg (22lbs), EZ barbell biceps curls 3×15 20kg (44lbs), deadlifts 4×15 35kg (77lbs), seated calve rises 4×15 20kg (44lbs), crunches 4×10.

Now I feel pretty tired. I only hope that I will have no muscle fever tomorrow because I felt my muscles burning and pumped. I like only the average muscle pain. Through the pain I grow so I am thankfull for that feeling - but everything have to have some border. But at all I feel satisfied.

Well, today I am at home. I feel a little bit tired. Yesterday I had not so much rest as I needed. I was on a horseday all day. And all day on my legs . But it was a nice day.

Today I am trying to rest. I am watching TV. And I am bored a little bit.

I did a whole week clean food and I lost 4.4 lbs. Todays food 300g of meat, rice 120g dry (100g carbs total), 10 egg whites. Today I first time missed the morning cardio - because I felt slight sore throat. Now it is gone - I used a lot of C vitamine. So I will do the cardio in the evening…. 30 minutes. I dont want to miss anything. Now not! Tomorrow I will have new training plan for two or three weeks. I hope my muscles will be all right.

Right now we have no money to relax… everyting is expensive a lot here. Massages, sauna, relax centre enterance, sun bath…. I will have to stay without it. I will try to relax in some other way - maybe more sleep, hot baths, better food, more carbs. I hope it will help me.

I am still thinking about where to go. Where to find the motivation. It is strange because first time I have no need of junk food and I love to train and doing cardio. And I feel good when I am able to do all things right.

Well - yesterday I had a training again. I trained alone and I tried to lift a slightly higher weights than before. When I came home I fall asleep almost immediatelly. I was so tired. When I woke up I had a slight mucle fever. Probbably I worked out a little bit more than I should.

Today came my friend from Pilsen - Martina. We were on the horse show. It is each year and I almost forgot it. But this year there was not so much things to see there. Previous years there were a lot of warious kinds of horses and riders showed their abilities on various shows. But today there was only a few riders, some western riders, two classical english style riders, some horses showed only without showing anything, some carthorses… What really interested me were Friesian horses and one Achalteke horse. He was white with blue eyes…. he was similar to mare I rode when I was 12. It was strange because it is not so much horses of this kind here and this colour is very rare. I asked if he has not those mare in his family tree - but I was not able to tell the name. Her original name was something in Mid-asian language, but we called her Puppy. Those young stallion remains me her almost in everything.

There were some horse riding competitions too.

Now it is the evening. I feel very tired. But I was happy to talk to my friend because I did not seen her almost for one year. And it was fine to be there with her. Now I have to figure out what to do with my sore muscles. On Monday I start with more serious routine, with basic exercises. And even tough everything should be done in 15 reps it will be difficult.

Well, yesterday everyting was great untill - I dont know. I had a meeting with those girl I told you. She did a pretty good work We talked first - because she never was on a show even like a fan in the auditorium. So I had to tell her how it is. What will be after her arrival, when to start to put on the colour (because in Eastern Europe the only colour you may buy is Dream Tan), how to work with Dream Tan, how to pump up in the pump up room, how to came on stage and present herself and finally how to pose - because judges are sitting not in front of you and you have to pose for them - not the auditorium. Fans will not judge you - judges do.

Than I show her the right posing and she showed me her posing. Than we corrected the posing and I told her the common mistakes she do. After that we talked about final week - when to stop to workout, when to cut the water intake and how to rise carbs and which ones to use…. I felt all right all the time.

But in the evening I saw some pictures of some very good figures/FBB which are now also in their precontest and I remembered how I look like beside the girl in the gym (she was quite nicely ripped, I looked huge and fat - mainly abdominals)… and I had tears in my eyes. Daniel was pretty angry on me because he told me we are talking about this problem all the time and I am back in my moods. I am sorry. I forgot the rule - never look at someone else - and it hit me by the full strenght.

But still I have the feeling that - off course now I am happy to have the possibility to train and eat clean food and do the cardio and I really enjoy it - but it is for nothing. I am not good despite what I do or not. We have to be honest. It is nice when somebody is cheering for you and telling you - yeah youre great, you loose 1 lbs… etc. - but judges will see something else.

I was told many times here how GREAT I look, how nice shaped I am, how big I am…. SO WHY I NEVER WON ON REAL COMPETITIONS? WHY I AM ON LAST OR NEARLY LAST PLACES? IF I AM SO GOOD, I SHOULD WIN - BUT I AM LOOSER - THAT IS REALITY. Reality is that I was never shredded to the bones. I never was in 100% contest shape and condition. Why? I dont know. Daniel think I never followed the instructions - but it is not true. I did all those fu** things which was told to me. I did mistakes several times - but it was not the rule! And despite it I am still not good enough. So I have the question in my mind - am I really the right genetics for doing this sport on competitive level? Many people who really saw me - not only on good pictures, but personally - told me I have no genetics. Only several people still believe in me…. one or two.

I may be nice shaped, healthy, but only for myself. In the comparison to average people I am good shaped. But not in standards of competitive bodybuilding. I am too small and too fat, I have bad type of metabolism and bad genetics for shoulders and arms…..

It hurts to tell the true loudly. But it is necessary for the new beginning too.

I decided to GET BACK MY SHAPES in next 12 weeks. Without any suplements - nothing. I will have only the food and the training. If I will be able to be in good shape untill that I will think about getting back to competitive bodybuilding again. If not - I will continue, but I will stay aside all competitions.

Well, today is Thursday. I have almost all the work done - what I had in my job from the previous month. Off course I will not show it yet - because many of my colegues works reallly slow and I got more job when I will be "too fast" . But tomorrow I will do it all and will have again some time for me.

I am back in diet - however the diet is not so much strict. But I am again on rice and chicken and vegetables - and I can not believe how delicious it is for me after all the junk food I had. I think I forgot the pastry right now. I have no need of junk food anymore. But I cooked some rice and chicken meat and I mixed it with pickled vegetables and spiced it with curry - and it is great.

I also have again 6 meals a day. At 7 AM, 10AM, 1PM, 4PM, 7:30 PM and 9:30PM. Today I have 10 eggwhites and 300g of meat + 120g of rice (dry). I had 5 eggwhites and 1 egg yolk as a breakfast, now at 10AM I will have meat and rice - as the whole day. At 9:30 I will have lettuce with next 5 eggwhites - no yolks.

I started my day with pretty high intensity cardio - as I have prescribed. 30 minutes before breakfast - just taking my cleansing medicine and minerals and vitamines before. And I was not tired - or I am not tired even now. I feel fresh after the cardio, morning shower and light food. And I am looking forward the days that will come. I will be 100% dedicated I know it and now is the time to prove it .

Today I have the meeting with one newbie Figure. Nobody helps her with her precontest and I see she do a lot of things badly. So I chated with her and offered her a helping hand. So today we will talk about the last week manipulations with water and carbs, about presentation on stage, posing - than I will show her the posing and I will correct her mistakes. I hope it will help her a little bit. And for me it is the way how stay in the game even tough I am out of shape and weak now.

But today weight is lower and I believe it will continue the right way down, when I will eat 100% clear. Also tomorrow is my next training… Yipee….

It is strange. I feel the very strange feeling inside. Something like the happiness inside - coming from the good done job and the decision to do things right. I am really looking forward to do things right. No thinking about junk food, no thinking about how to cheat things I have to do…. But thinking how to do my best.

I remember this feelings from my very past days. When I was 16teen and I was in my first precontest, full of expectations. I remember those feelings I had - maybe before 10 years ago. Than when I was 19 I never felt this again. I felt into my bad habbits and I believed that when I will complain against all and cry, I will maybe have the attraction of somebody to help me. Bad - bad - bad……

It is wonderfull I found my very core ME, and I feel the old and forgotten feelings again. It makes me to smile while sitting at my PC in my job. I am looking forward the days to come. I am a bulldog again. And I feel good.

Well, so yesterday I had a talk with my coach about my tests, their results and my training. I am officially in again. I got a new nutrition plan, new training and new cardio plan for the next 3 weeks.

After 3 weeks we will check my body, check how I regained the power and I will get more serious plan and diet - aimed at the goal more. My goal will be to renew my power and muscles in 12 weeks to have the time for precontest on the last competition of the season in November.

It is a question if I will be ready enough in time, if I will be qualified and if I will have the money to travell. But we will see - it is a long time to go and I saw that every day have to be lived as the last one, because nothing is sure. So now I dont like long therm goals a lot. I rather will set more short-therm goals on my way.

So first short time goal is to do next three weeks right, including the return to the clean food right, including morning cardio again and off course train well in the gym - according to what my coach told me.

On Friday is my second training. Than the next week I start with Monday - Wednesday - Friday trainings, which are pretty well known for newbies as the most used scheme.

Tomorrow I will learn one Figure how to pose and what to do the last week precontest. Well how I said my heart was bleeding a little bit - now I am much more optimistic. And in fact I am looking forward to it. Because I feel usefull now - helping others with their Spring goals - when I can not compete myself.

How the morning yesterday was dark and depressive - todays morning is optimistic and finally I feel that I may pay interest on what I resolved in the hospital and at home. I may go hard now and return back to my place.

Now I dont look like somebody who is the athlete - but I believe with diet and cardio I will loose the fat on hips, waist and butt soon and I will get back my V shape! I hope in those upcoming 3 weeks I will get back my basic shapes. That is my short therm goal Nr. 1 - to get back V shape and basic shapes of my waistline .

Well, yesterday I wrote to my coach - when my tests are all right if I may go to the gym and start with some kind of diet… I wrote him also SMS on his cell phone. I saw he was on the internet in the morning as well as in the evening but I got no message… No positive or negative… I know he has a lot of trainees and some of them will compete in 12 days… so he is probbably bussy. But I post him some pictures and I have the feeling that he is angry on me, looking really bad now.

Still I had in my head the thoughts about it. The whole day. What did I wrong? I look not good, I gained a lot of fat and when I wrote that I feel bad because of that he might think I am complaining again… So I was really down the whole day and evening.

I got a real depression. I feel frustrated last few days, when I see others few days precontest and I KNOW I MIGHT DO IT BETTER, I KNOW I CAN TRAIN HARDER AND TO DIET TOUGHER. I KNOW IT! But I can not do it right now. I can not proove it to my coach or Daniel. I can only sit and wait. That is really what I hate - to be stopped by the outer conditions. Plus those non-answered e-mail which stays with me the whole day…

The weather is also not nice. It is dark the whole day andit is raining all the time. Really accurate weather for me now. It is rather like Autumn, than Spring. Even tough I saw pink and white blossoms on the trees already and I saw also tulips in the grass - what is something I love. Soon will be abloom first lilac…. I love the smell.

Yesterday nigt I was on chat. After the day I felt really miserable and I needed some escape. I talke to one Figure girl - she is prepairing for her first competition. She was not good before, but she did a pretty nice job and now I think she might do well. She needs more muscles - she really underestimated the lenght of the precontest and ofseason and in my opinion she went too soon - but it is her decision. But she is totally out of the posing. And nobody learns her here…. Here are no seminars for novice class competitors or posing lessons. So I offer her to learn her - I will do a posing lesson for her on Thursday.

She asked me also to be with her backstage and help her with the tan and pumping up and so - but the competition is in too far away place this year, with very bad public traffic and for somebody having no car it is hard to reach it. And I am not sure if my heart would not bleeding backstage this year. I am sure others will help her there.

Today I still feel tired (I slept 5 hours or so)… and down. I am going to train today - despite my coach did not allowed me to do it. I also started with more proper food.

Todays food: 6AM 125g of plain yoghurt, 9AM 4 eggs and some ham in it, 50g pastry, 12AM 150g chicken meat, 3 PM 150g of chicken meat, after training 150g of chicken meat, 9 PM 150g of chicken meat - all meat grilled, dry, only with the inner fat which is in the meat.

Todays training (is in one bigger Fitcentre) dumbbell presses for chest 4×12 (10 lbs) , triset side laterals, front raises and bent over laterals 4×12 (10 lbs, 6 lbs), barbell bent over rows 4×12 (40 lbs), biceps curls with dumbbells 3×10 (10 lbs), triceps pulldowns 3×10 (11 lbs), leg extensions 4×20 (30 lbs), seated leg curls 4×20 (30 lbs), crunches (hanging upside down) 4×6-8 and than 15 minutes on the treadmil.

I hope I will feel better soon. I believe it is only a shortcut and I will get over it soon… I know that better days will come.

PS: Yipee. I talked to my coach, he was really bussy and had no time to see my e-mail. He gave me new diet, supplements, cardio and training plan for the next 21 days. After that he would like to see me and than he told me I will workout 4 times a week and will create a new conditioning program for me. I am so happy, that he is not dissappointed what I did with my body. He said it is too many factors now - which caused it - that we will see the reality after those 21 days of the beginers training.

So I am officialy in!!

Well, today tests are finally all right ALL - hooray, thanks to God. I am waiting what my coach told me. He talked to Daniel yesterday and I heard him to say, Daniel must slow me down, when I will return and that only one week I will train twice a week, whole body, than 2-3 weeks 3 times a week also the whole body and than 4 times a week system A+B (body divided in two trainings) and slowly up morning cardio. This system I will have for the longer time, untill I will regain more power. Than we may to think about new precontest - conditioning.

I heard as my coach said he understand me I am down now, but I have to do what he told. He also said it is great some of my tests are getting back to normal - mainly hormones and some blood tests - I am on the good way back. But I need to be 100% healthy for the next season.

Today I am first day in my job and as I expected I have a lot of job today. Lot of mails and so one. I will check them today and respond on them the whole rest of the week. But I am back. And finally I feel as the average person.

In the evening I will have the whole body massage. I am looking forward to it. I feel my legs and lower back today. Probbably I am not used to doing anything. I dont think I trained heavy yesterday, because other parts are all right. But massage will surely help me with the tiredness.

This is all. Next training will be on Tuesday and than on Friday. On Sunday maybe sauna.

Well, me now - this is not so nice look. I feel like on my profile picture….. It will be a long long road back to some quality. Not shape - I know I still have good legs and V shape. But the quality always was the key question for me and now the importance is even higher. I dont need to be bigger. I need to be leaner.