It is time of return!

I read my "precontest log" and realized I am really sounding too negative. In fact strange thing - the most positive I was when I was in the worst part of my life in the hospital and after. When things started to change to good ones I started to be down again and stopped to believe in myself. The better I was the worse feelings I had. The negative comments years before made me cry, but also kicked my ass to work out. Positive comments this year killed me - because I started to affraid I will be not able to repeat that again. I did not think: "Finally I deserved it, because of the months passed." Instead I thought "OMG they now see me as a new champion but I gained fat and I will be not able to keep this positive look. I DO NOT DESERVE IT!"

I want to change it. Old "fears" are away, but right now strugling new ones - as for example lost of the condition and maybe fear if I will be able to repeat it. This is new feeling. But the hell I came from worse mud and precised it to my silver medal this year. Why not to make it again and again?

And another is a little bit disillusion that I was not able to earn more from my 4th place on the World. NABBA World is not something LESS than IFBB World. But still I think NABBA girls at all do not have the recognition they deserves…… That is true and I hate it. Because we all are athletes. For example in my country it is a lot of interest given to our IFBB National team members - however they placed out of finals or even in the prelimination… In NABBA National team only one girl was out of finals, one got nice fifth, me the fourth and one won the World. But no one knows about us, no one knows how hard was to place there and how good result the WHOLE team had (including men)…..

And third fear is the old one pain in the ass - money situation. I did not have them precontest in Spring but I did not want to quit, therefore now I am in loans and no money extra for me…. plus for example Daniel paid me massages and rehab. - what I do not want now, when HE will be precontest.

So sometimes maybe I see the situation too "black".

I thought about quitting it all. Because I can not do the step forward and come better and bigger…. but I can not stop it. So WTF. I will train, I will eat. I will try to clean it up again - not in intake but in sources of food - that is my old bad habbit to eat junk when I am not pushed by some competition date. So I set up the goal to come in 75% shape on FIBO (will be 22-25 April 2010). I do not need to be bigger there, just leaner. Will try to do my best only with what I have….. Same what I had when I started….. When I was 15-16teen…

And last thing I realized I have to learn to stop watching others are more sucessfull for example in earning money or popularity from their career…. I am not good manager - so must take it the way I have. And ENJOY the life I have however it is not perfect…. Simply must. I had good training, I kept my food clean…. It is FINE…. And I will see what will come the other days.

It is good to read past blogs and logs, as sometimes that time I really did an obstacle from that what now I see only as minor annoying thing, but not problem at all…… And it is good to see how really negative I am.

BTW: few motivation quotes I still need to keep in mind:

“Never trade what you want the most… for what you want at the moment” – John Defendis

Winner who never was defeated, can not be respected. - some old quote I heared somewhere…

Winner is not somebody who had the best conditions, but those who was not stopped by the worst; the most beautifull blossoms offten grows from the poorest ground. - old quotes from my granny

Well I gone trough lot of pains, injuries, bad times but nothing stopped me on my way to the dream I had: to become a well known bodybuilder. I felt from the cliff and had one arm smashed, I almost died because of kidney infection, I fought with bad hormonal balance in my body…. I also fought with others who never believed in me… And also with myself, when I did not believed and when I started to listen to negative voices around me… Despite that I continued to my 4th place on the World Championship NABBA.

What really broke my neck are money…. So simple thing I always thought is easy to get. I always said “OK I will work more”…. And I worked in many jobs since my 16 to earn on supplements, tranings, posing suits… I worked in chemical factory, store and storage, I was a as “girl for all” in Newspapers and later got job as reporter, I worked on ranch, I worked in diplomacy, I was a personal coach, I work on project management right now….. I was able to change my jobs according the situation and my needs. But right now I do not see what else to do to pay all my loans and get back the money for precontest I need.

The situation happened when they closed our projects during the crisis. My salary was so poor that I was able to pay the flat and nothing else…. I lend money to may continue, because I felt this year is my chance. Some people told me to stop it, but I was as a mule - still going and going and going.

When they chose me to National team - to our national pride - I cant say “NO” because it was my dream. To belong to those who are the best here, who represent the country, who are watched by fans and who are close to become professionals….. in NABBA off course as IFBB closed the door for us. But still it mean be elite when you are in the TEAM! So I got another money form my mum and dad to may go and represent….. Anyway after competitions I knew I will have to pay!

They started projects again in summer - but our salaries are not as high as it used to be. And I must pay…. and have no conditions to train as real athlete… In USA I see many people takes this sport as hobby - just time to time competing - but here the level is much higher also on competitions even we do not have so much competitors.

Many athletes from the top level already trains as professionals. They have coaches, massage therapists, nutritionists, good supplements, off course some of them also enhancing things which are incredibly expensive…. Not me. In my current conditions I am able hardly to pay my gym membership. I had to get rid of regullar massages - therefore I have back pains (I still go to 1 massage in 3/4 weeks - that is why I still may continue). I am lucky my coach time to time works with me for free and saying me what I should do. But off course I am not the Nr. 1 now…..For example: I was recommended to take glutamine (20g a day!) - but where to buy it, when I am on zero. When my coach saw what I bought in sales off, he told me I take a **** - off course I KNOW IT…..

I dont know how to be equal to others - when I have conditions like this. Our sport is dead here in the bussiness meaning. Only few lucky people are sponsored - some of them from abroad, but I am stupid in my own management.

I have to train and keep my food as clean as possible - nothing else. I have to become only a “hobby” bodybuilder again - but I dont want to, when I was so close to my dreams. It is maybe worse - that I opened Pandoras box to so high level - than when I was last place. Because now I realized I am not that high level anymore. I am only a small secretary in project management office, doing this for fun… Just accidentaly once on stage where I did not belong to yet ………

Yesterday a fan of me send me an application on I Phone - you have to BUY it!! - called "Buff Babes" - and there a lot of pictures is mine. All were on myspace - both sets he announced me. He told me there is a picture of me with golden bra and jeans and I had this only on myspace - here I had the part of the set only from back view and on my sites I had it but later I erased a lot + pictures there are not downloadable.

Now I erased a lot of pictures and profiles everywhere and I am continue in this in more profiles….Someone else steel my pictures and earned on it?? From pictures I was told about it was really from myspace for 99% because I did not have some of them anywhere else. Maybe some % might come from my sites or from here but that is not so much possible. So thief is also someone from my "friends" on myspace - because I had pictures closed to public!!

I would not mind someone contact me and offered me some % form the sale… but by this way I feel pretty pis*ed off. I still have rights on that pictures and my fiance as a photographer too!! All was homemade and I had there copyrights or adress to my sites!! It is about the principle. I can not fight with that!! I may only to stop - I am erasing now as much pictures from the internet as I may, and I am now quitting with all!!All pictures now will be only for me. I never had nothing from posting it free on the internet…. so I will not lost anything!

SOLVED: 10-05-2009

Today I got the message :

I must say that my pictures was "stolen by mistake" - today I got the mail from tiitf software that they took pictures via files on rapidshare…. - I guess they are also done by some of "fans" who creates and share them there.

My pictures are now removed - what is fine and the response was quick. So here I am satisfied and I fully accept the apologize.

But still the developer should not rely on “rapidshare” files - but to contact girls instead. Because on rapid there is a lot of stolen material there!

It is hard to wake up at 5AM, get out of the warm bed, dress up, drink something as cofee and go to cardio, when there it is raining outside, it is dark and cold in the flat. And it is hard to get used to it for next 9 months… But I want to move up again. I want to change something….. And this is the price.

I dont know the name of the song, but once I had it on my CD. Was really fitting into todays mood. Just an ordinary day…. darkness. Some windows on the opposite house are shining too. Some people are waking up. From the yard I feel wet leaves on trees…. In the shining kitchen window I may see a fat man and his wife, having a breakfast … Somewhere is crying a horn - we are living next to big road and near the hospital…  My dear still sleep…. Light slowly comming to the town. Fog is lying on the ground and dew is on trees and windows and on the roof I may see trough our windows…..

I dont know why but this all makes me melancholic. In Spring and in Summer it is something different. Mornings seems to me more refreshing than Autumns and Winters time…….

Anyway I am on my way again. Must go and get back what I had and what I (partially my fault) lost.

Well, I am two weeks in diet and training but still holding fat and water. My coach told me it is normal and will last maybe 3-4 weeks till I will start to change. So I focused to not break it now. I have 4th week tooth ache and I was 4x at the dentist, but still it is not solved yet. I have right cheek in pains…. what caused I ate some icecream during weekend.. what broke my diet effort a bit .

Today I started with cardio again…..I decided no pain must now hold me from training and diet. I hope to see results in te next days. It must work.. simply must. When I will eat clean and train and do cardio - something must change.

It is Autumn here already. Weather is cold and rainy and mornings are dark and it is so hard to get out of the warm bed and go to stationary bike. My mood is down as I hate Autumns - I already said this here with each Autumn and must to say it again. Autumn is nice when it is warm and colourfull, but to me it is the end of the sun. End of the Spring and Summer…. Hard to train, hard to focus, hard to be happy.

I checked e-mails today and nobody writes me… yes, for example here I was not able to answer for few months - which were fullfilled by trainings and than euphoria after World championship. But I always e-mailed with people around me. I remember how much e-mails I got after World…. But also now understand to my coach, who as first came to me and told me not to be self-possesed too much. He told me " Now people are your fans and are attracted to you, but will be summer and autumn and autumn season and somebody new will come.. and people will forget you. Next year nobody will remember you, named now as a black horse of competitions. It is our sport. People admires always only winners and those who are on the stage…. " It is like that. Yes, here are bodybuilders who atract the attention all the time. Who are almost at all fan sites…. who are admired all year. But I am not belong there.

I am really just an average girl, who is time to time on stage. No sites are interested at me…. no fans, when I am offseason where I look as small a bit fat "next-door" girl. But thanks to my coach I was prepared to that. Thanks to my coach I was not blinded by interest after season and I am not disappointed now. Just with the falling leaves I feel what my coach told me.

I am here. Again in the office, waiting for some matherials I will work on. Than I will take my chicken and will go to the gym. In the corner of the dusty hall I will do my training and will go home to my love. I am just an ordinary girl, living her ordinary life. Nothing changed…… And the Autumn will do a point after my previous season…. I feel it is all over NOW.

But maybe something new will grow during the Winter, under the snow…..

  I am back in training after summer break. I started to train a little bit 1,5 week ago and I tried a benchpress meet two days ago. I was able to push 80kg (aprox. 176lbs) in the “raw” category. My old max. 90kg (198 lbs) was heavy for me now. I placed 2nd of 9 competitiors in the whole category. It was good category as there was good filled by competitors.

I was astisfied with the result because of the absence of trainings 176 lbs was my goal weight and I was able to lift it. Also the competition was a great opportunity to meet friends who were in the audience or competing as well. Sometimes it looked as a small meeting of NABBA National team as there was Roman Maršálek as organizer, Vojta Koritenský and his girlfriend Karolína, Martin Holub, Pepa Mužík with his gf., Luboš Krhut with Jana Mikušova, Petr Vaniš, Jindra Popelá?, who medal winners, Tom Bureš, who had a guestposing… and off course Katka Kyptová, who was competing in benchpress too.

Immediatelly I trained legs on Sunday - one day after. I had to say strenght is getting back quickly as I did 10 reps on legpress with 440 lbs and donkey calve rises 5 sets with 220 lbs.

This week I start training 3 times a week - fullbody. I also started with eating clean again. I am not doing carb cycling yet.

I must start again … but where to start it??

Thanks a lot to all. I did not write and be here some time - just watching it…. Was nothing to write….

More I found out that because of money I will be not able to compete next year. Simply no mony for supplements, for sunbaths, for regeneration I need when I am in heavy trainings etc.etc. But first I must to pay my bills…. And loans. Was a hard decision which hurted me as a knife…. few weeks I react really agressive and depressed. I had no will to continue and I still solved how much a man may stand untill the outer limits and conditions will get him on his knees…..I had the feeling that it is a last drop for me and I can not continue anymore.

I canceled my permanent locker in the gym and took some cheaper limited membership only…. I took my things at home (OK I found out I had a plenty not usefull things there) and I was decided to stop all. But Daniel made me to start train again….

Despite the medical condition and the order I should stay at home untill September we found some article about cortisol so I started to be more carefull. Trainings are under 30 minutes and are constructed on multi-joint exercises (as benchpress, free squats, deadlifts and bent over rows, multipress presses for shoulders etc.)… and amino acids are used before- during and post workout. I bought some cheapest kind - I know they are not very fine but they ARE there and that is what counts.

First trainings I boycott them a bit with the feeling I can not be bigger now or stronger or better… but a miracle had happened. I found a second (maybe fourth? or sixth?) breath there. I am fat (27% of bodyfat again) I am not big now… but I hope to be back again and again. You all knows me as a pittbull - never giving up…. and I will not either.

I decided to try to prepare for 2010 Spring. It will be hardest precontest ever. I will have no money and therefore no supplements. In Europe it is impossible to have sponsorship. And I am bad in begging for money. Call it proudness - but I started with this sport for myself. Nobody forced me. So I can not want anybody will give me money now.. just because I am on the World stages….And when I apply in USA I am used to refusals just because I am not living in USA… So I can not wait the help from this side too…

I will have not 7 hour job as I used to have - I have 11 hours shifts now…. I will have to wake up at 4AM maybe to have cardio done before my man will need the stationary bike we have….. I will have to train in night when I will get from the job…. I will have to solve new gym as our GREAT old gym will be closed after the new year (sad but reality)…. and all this things I must hold on my back.

But I will try it. 1st September I will get back to diet and if I cheated now time to time - now my food must be precised to miligrams. If my trainings were slacker ones sometimes - now I must go to max, never mind how fu**ed will be my mood…..

I dont know if this will not get me to my knees again. My first small goal is to be ready on next FIBO. Than I will see. I will TRY to be in shape in time. If I will - I will maybe confirm that I have the gift and I do not need what other champions usually have. I dont need care, supplements, coaches, nice gyms, good conditions. If in the day D I will be on stage and ready it will be a gift for me…. Off course I can not come in worse condition as 2nd on 2009 Nationals people will count with me fighting for the title….. So If I will be not ready - I will not go there.  And because nobody will know that I am in precontest - nobody will notice I did not go there. It is simple. I have nothing to lose.

So now I am still resting a bit. Next week I am going to blood tests and if they will be all right - 1st September I will start. Please wish me good luck.

OK I just seen my tests and my cortisol levels are insane high. They cause higher glycemia and therefore easiest storing carbs as fat. Also it shuts down my T3 hormones… Now everything is clear to me. I sent results back to my endocrnologist to see them…

In this moment I still can not train. Well - I did several times as I am gym addicted. And I will continue with benchpressing, but first I haveto get the cortisol levels under controll. I am bored by that. I love working out a lot….. and also my training diary can not continue in this moment as my trainings are so messy, that is hard to talk about some training routine.

Next week we are going to move. So I will have a lot of work with packing everything and managing my things…. I pray to be all over and we start living in our new flat. And I hope everything will be good there.

Summer is almost in the half and weather here is cold. I love sun. Not rains. But I guess cold weather will last in August too. Summers are strange last years.

I was loser. All my career in bodybuilding I was one place above the last place or last place competitor…. Never in the first half! And people are cruel. They always adore the winners but they act as if the Olympic sport motto: "Fame for the winner, honor for the loser." had no value at all. What means in real life here is no honor for losers. No respect to people who are trying.

I lived all my life with it and learned how to deal with it. How to continue when nobody believes you. How to go over all obstacles. People around me offten did not understand me. They told me very offten "Why do you spent your time and money when you are not good at it? You can not beat that girls!"… and I myself never thought I am able to beat them. But I was determinate to continue. Maybe because I still had some stubborness in my heart which drift me against them. To show that they can not get me on my knees….. And I never cared if I will be last place again.

I also always thought with a bit jealousness in corner of my heart, how easy way winners have. They are adored, supported by all, people loves them…. fans helps them. Some of them never relaized how it is to live at the bottom….. They never were targets of haters etc.. Yes - they has their own haters too - but it is silly because when they are clear winners, than it is clear also why haters wants to get them down. I was there on the bottom….so sometimes I thought those people who dont like me only see my "mistakes" more clear than others.

Than a miracle had happened and I flew up from the bottom to the top. And this flight was so steep, that people who did not liked me had to give me the honor now. It was a win for me - despite I did not really win anything. People start to talk about me as a black horse of the show, big potencial for the future, surprise, spectacular competitor…. After World many people told me I only payed the "newbie tax" and did not get the medal.

But I realized that now, on that place in the sun I always looked up to from the darkness, it is much more hard. First it is hard to see offseason shape. I was used to go from bad shape to fat shape… but now going from good shape to fat shape is like a roller coaster. Second - I know that those people expect me to look great - so it is hard to show myself EVERYWHERE now… (So I used to be closed in our dungeon gym after my falls, now I am closed there too….). I am not sure how much of my changes does my consistency, crazy 9 months dieting, hard work and luck… and I am affraid if I will be able to come even better when this WAS my LIFE shape…. Plus I know a lot of people now will watch me and expect me to look great next year too…. People now asks me about my trainings (when the same people before it laugh I train silly)…. People asks me about the diet (same who told me I will be never ripped). They expect me to lead them…. and it is f*cking hard thing.

As a looser I had no respect but nobody watched me, nobody wait anything from me. Now I have respect and people adore me as others who are good - but to keep on track and continue and not affraid to dissappoint them and not to return back to the bottom is harder than I ever thought.