Hanging on by a Thread
Well, I learned my lesson today. I simply CANNOT go to my mom for any emotional support. I just get reminded about how I’ve failed and ruined my life. I already know that! I live with that knowledge every second of the day. I KNOW that everything wrong in my life is my own fault. I KNOW that my suffering is well deserved. I do not need to be reminded. I already beat the s**t out of myself.
I wouldn’t go to her, except I still live in my parents house with her. My father has been gone for years, he left us with this house and all its expenses. The reason I stayed is because she could not afford it on her own, my brother and I helped her pay the bills. I want nothing more than to leave, but I’m broke. I don’t even have a job right now, I’m looking and looking, but without much luck. She has always been a bit negative, so in effect I don’t really have anybody to go to whose any good for me right now.(All my friends are drinkers, don’t need alcohol now, thanks.)
I desperately need counseling if I’m going to overcome. But 60$ per session! Whose going to pay for it? The only thing I can really do is just to leave everything behind. To just slap on my shoes and walk away. I would basically be a vagabond. I can stay here, have a roof over my head, and be reminded by this house and my mom of everything bad in my life. Or I can just leave and be homeless. The sad part is I’m undecided. I’m sure I can find work, but that doesn’t solve my most urgent problem.
I prayed on it. Then I started to leave. Then something happened. My handsome siamese kitty ran up to me, DRAGGED ME DOWN with his claws, and started nuzzling the crap out of me, all the while purring like a race car. OK, the cats doesn’t want me to leave. I’m staying because of my STUPID CATS! But they’re so cute and sweet.
I’m hanging on by a thread. I feel so alone, and it just seems hopeless. If not for the kind words of people far on this site, I wouldn’t have even gone this long sober.
