The Demons Within
This will not be easy to write. But I have to be truthful about my feelings. Sobriety has made some issues I have clearer to me, since drugs are no longer numbing them.
I remember that I hated being a child. Part of me wanted to be a kid and have fun, but for the most part I couldn’t wait to grow up so I wouldn’t be small, weak and dependent anymore. One main reason is my dad.
I remember being thrown around like a rag doll sometimes when my father would lose his temper. There were times when I would be scared that he would lose control and kill me by accident. He cheated on my mother, berated her, and on top of that was a cigarette smoker; I would be in the car and my brother and I would be inudated by an acrid cloud of smoke from both parents cigarettes. When I told my father one day about how smoking is harmful(I was about 9), he simply scoffed, laughed at my "childish naivette". My mother’s pendulum swinging between fierce temper and mousy compliance didn’t endear to me much either. In short, I didn’t like my parents very much. Is that normal for a young child?
I saw all this, how my father had his own fluctuating code of morality, and knowing he was wrong, could do nothing. His word was law because he had the physical prowess to enforce it, pure and simple. I hated this so much, I felt trapped in a Hell scenario, knowing what was right in my heart but being compliant to corruption and wickedness. And all because I was a small, weak little child. I learned about Darwinism in 3rd grade, and being raised agnostic, I accepted this point of view. I began to hate life and secretly desired to kill myself and be free of this chaotic world. But the part of me that wanted to live to adulthood knew that I would have to become stronger,smarter than him. So I buried my head in books, I excercised, I plotted my escape.
My dislike of my parents extended to dislike of people in general. I was teased for wearing glasses, for being brainy, for being poor and unable to afford the latest trends. Even my teachers looked down on me. I was in fights all the time by sixth grade, I actually had to go to anger counseling. As I got older I realized the WHOLE WORLD was my household. It ran by the same rules and principles. Except for my friends, I disliked just about everyone, their petty cruelty and sheepish devotion to the way of things disgusted me, and I wished the world would be destroyed. When most boys were starting to hook up with girls, I saw them as adversarial tormentors, a foe to be conquered along with my father and the world. Yes, I had issues! But not completely unfounded.
One way I chose to outlet my anger was sports. I went out for football in seventh grade, although everyone doubted I would make it since physically I was pathetic, I gradually earned the respect of my teammates. By ninth grade I was a starter on the freshman team! This is when I began to pick up and fall in love with weight lifting. This seemed to be the key to solving all my problems. Self improvement and physical strength.
I think all these issues might haved stemmed from an utter lack of self esteem. I felt I was the weakest, most pathetic, ugliest losery creature ever conceived. Women didn’t help. I remember when my aunt, who was 19 and a cheerleader at the time, flexed her guns. I actually CRIED! She was only 110 lbs, but at 8yrs old her arms looked as big as my head. Her showing off was just being playful, but I saw it as a threatening. Not only was I powerless before the men, but the "weaker sex" as well! Everything in the universe seemed bent on annihilating my fledgling sense of masculinaty. Even to this day I feel that way sometimes.
That brings me to another thing. The "muscle babes". The truth is I have ambivalent feelings about women with muscles. On one hand, I find babes lifting heavy weights to be really amazing. At first I found them repulsive, but by adolescence I developed a strong sexual attraction to athletic girls, whether they were volleyball players, futbolistas(soccer players, en Ingles) gymnasts, you name it. On the other hand, because of my lack of self esteem and being manhandled, I hate it because it just feels so de-masculating knowing there are girls, some 35lbs smaller than me, lifting more weight, and no matter how much I improve, it feels like they are breathing down my neck, threatening to usurp my fragile sense of masculinaty once again. Rather than hate them out of envy, I tried making friends with them over the years, dating them, being supportive of them being strong and confident. To some degree it has helped. It’s hard though, being 5′7 140ish, I feel like I am closer to a females size than a males. So over the years, despite my efforts to improve myself and accept and love these women for who they are, what once were objects of desire have become in my mind competition. It has gotten so bad as to make me sexual non’functional. So obviously, this is something I have to make peace with.
Now, about my drug use.
I think I developed a habit after the last time I fought with my dad. I was 20 years old, in shape, my dad was 42, 5′6 200lbs, with a bad back and seriously overweight. And he beat me. This was the thing that really killed my self esteem. I was too weak and pathetic to win, so at the point I gave up trying, I was a pathetic mistake of bad breeding and that was fate. I gave up. So I got high, a lot. Day in, day out, for years. A girlfriend helped me find Jesus during that time, and having a whole new outlook helped greatly. i started exercising again. But I was an addict, and I would cycle in and out of heavy use. I was just trying to run from my issues. No matter how much my physique improved or how people would come out to watch my band play, I felt inadequate. It could always be better, I thought. Everything started to come down around my head. And that brings us to today.
So now I’m sober, and I realize that although I’m secure in God’s truth, I still want to reagin a sense of strength and masculinaty, and to maintain it indefinately. I want to let go of my ambivalence toward strong, athletic females, because I love them dearly and want them to push the envelope. They have made positive differences in my life time and time again. As far as me never beating up my father, well, I guess it’s not important since his poor choices are kicking his ass in life as i speak. I want to stop having nightmares about women laughing at me for being too small and skinny, I want to sleep well without having to be drugged out of my skull to do so. I want to have absolute control over my emotions. It might not happen over-night, but I know that staying sober, and talking openly about how I feel are major steps.
God Bless
June 12, 2008 at 5:24 pm
“God didn’t promise you a day without pain, laughter without sorrow or sun without rain. But He did promise you strength for the day, comfort for your tears and a light for your way.”
You are a very brave person to have posted what you did and revealed so much of yourself. Bravo!
I congratulate you on all that you have attained and look forward to you achieving so much more.
May God give you both strength & peace.
June 12, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Unfortunately, you can’t choose your parents. My father, too, was a very angry man. We walked on egg shells as little kids waiting for the next explosion. My mother was useless. Both were heavy smokers too. Mom had a stroke (cigarette smoking and birth control pills) and blamed my father. Thus began World War Nine that last from 4th grade to the time I escaped to college.
All six of us made it out alive. Three brothers have drinking issues, one of those also has drug problems, We all learned to be fairly self sufficient. Needless to say none of us were terrible distraught when they died (both cigarette smoking related).
I understood after watching my older brothers that alcohol was the the easy way out and chose for the most part not to drink. I think we all have a weak spot. For some it is food, others drugs and alcohol, others power, control, greed, etc..If you can spot your weakness (which you have) you can begin the process of taking back control over yourself.
I have highly recommend a book called The Heart of the Problem by Dr. Kerry L. Skinner. (kerryskinner.com) He is a friend of mine and a pastor. You can PM me and I will give you the link to some of his podcast files.