Why do we get them? Boredom turned to habit? To cover up underlying emotions? Both plus many other reasons. The bottom line is that they are a pain in the rear regardless of how severe.

My most recent form of addiction:  gum.  I have had a love affair with gum since my severe addiction, anorexia.  I chew it now for boredom, not to refrain from eating. I get bored very easily during the day, hence my frequency on this site. Sometimes chewing too much gum makes me bloated too, even though it is the sugar free type.

Night time is another issue. My ED rears its ugly face and nags at me to snack. My night time habit has caused me to slow down in my progress during the challenge, but I am slowly but surely conquering it. Last night definitely taught me a lesson after I delved in to yogurt (even knowing about the consequences). Needless to say I was up all night in curled up in a ball with gas pains!

Why do I do it? Whenever I was in treatment for my ED, they forced us to eat all the time, and threatened if we didn't gain weight then we would lose privileges. It was a habit that was pounded in to my head for 6 straight months. Mental habits are the hardest to break and finding the balance has taken over 8 years for me, and I still struggle with it.  

I am currently 10 weeks in to the challenge and see some results, but know that my addictions/habits have slowed me down quite a bit.  I have tried numerous times to figure out why I keep falling in to my addictions even though I know the end result is pain, in one form (i.e. gas) or another (i.e. mental anguish). My only conclusion is exhaustion. I am a "single" mother now taking care of Addyson because Johnny doesn't get in until late. I have gone through this scenario multiple times in my blog so I will spare you from reading it again.

Bottom line: Tough **** and I need to stop making excuses. Life is not meant to be easy and neither is fitness. If it were easy, I'd be a millionaire. The road we all choose to travel will make us stronger every day. 

 I doubt this blog will make sense to anyone as it just seems like a random babble to me, but it is my blog and I feel better after getting my congested thoughts out. 

Pictures are up and I am out and off to attempting to work. Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. I am taking off from work, dropping Addyson off at the sitter's (and not letting my sitter know I am not working!), going for a good run and lift, then treating myself to a free burger at Ruby's. Yes I know I am in a competition but gosh dang I want my free burger! I am a woman with an appetite so deal with it :D

Good morning all! I am super sore this morning after doing 3 tri-sets on my legs yesterday in 40 minutes. I squatted, leg pressed, deadlifted 45# plates, leg curled, leg extensions, lunges, calf raised, and tortured my legs but LOVED every second of it!

I woke up this morning and completed my typical 30 minute cardio session then booked it home to shower and get ready for the work day before Addyson woke up.  She is passed out in my bed right now - lucky devil!  I am ready for normalcy! Johnny will begin school next week so he can start taking Addyson back to her sitter's and I can get back to my lovely 4AM workouts. 

I will be doing upper body tri-sets today, mainly back and bi's, as I feel I have been neglecting my back. I have just been frequenting this site's articles and pulling routines off to ensure I don't lose any strength.  After deadlifting 225 (1RM) last week and killing the remainder of my routine Friday, I feel confident that no strength has been lost.

I feel more on my game this morning. I think that winning the products yesterday really boosted my motivation.  Why order something if you don't use it right? I cannot wait to give the products a shot. My only complaint about the prize is that there were limited choices on the site, as I could only order from a grand total of 22 products, half of which seemed to be creatine based. Why doesn't BB.com offer more of MuscleTech's products?

Meal plan today is to fast until 1PM. I am on day 3 of no late night snacking which is HUGE! I will begin meals off with whole wheat zucchini bread, 1 scoop whey, and more veggies. Next will be greek yogurt, 1/2 cup oats, 2 tbsp flax seed, 1/2 tbsp cocoa powder, and canned tuna. Followed by 1/4 cup almonds and another scoop whey. I need to throw more veggies in there somewhere, and sure I will!

Have a rockin' day y'all!!!

I just found out that I won the MuscleTech 1,000,000 member give away! I get to order products from MuscleTech!!! I really hope this is legit. It is just what I need to pull me out of this plateau.

My stomach is a little ill with me right now for some reason. Hopefully it is nothing major :/ Up at 4AM and off to the gym!

This past week has been tough on me. I am having to make the decision this morning to put my old dog down. She is a thirteen year old golden retriever who is just ready to move on. She has lost most of her sensation in her back leg and her organs are shutting down. I am supposed to meet with the vet this morning to figure out a plan - whether to put her down or not. I really don't want to be the one to make this decision, but she is my dog. I have had her for her entire life. I know the decision has to be what is best for her and I cannot be selfish. Mom wants to go to the gym afterwards to clear our minds. She really doesn't want me to put her down because she keeps coming up with different options. I think what will probably happen is I will decide to give Hope (my dog) the steroid shot that the vets have suggested to my parents and pray that she will pass in her sleep one night.

I was burned out this week too from work. I was the only paralegal in the office this week because the other was out on vacation so it made for a long and hectic week, but luckily I didn't screw anything up. My boss even said that I do better when Jenn isn't there because I learn better.

I am two days in to IF and going good. I am currently fasting for 14 hours then eating for 10, but would like to work my way up to 16 hour fast/8 hour eat. After a week on the plan, I am going to incorporate carb cycling to help with my gains.

Not really much else to update on. Mom and I are going to the gym after I meet with the vets. After that, I will head back home to rescue Johnny from the wrath of Addyson.

It takes a lot for me to put something like this out there. I hate admitting that I am failing at something - anything really. I have always tried to be a perfectionist, though I know "perfect" is never achievable. I am battling hard with night time eating. I try to have my final meal (casein and almonds) at 9PM, but wake up craving foods about an hour after I go to bed. I am eating during the day every 3 hours. I feel so bloated this morning from the cheat over the weekend and since being back, eating later at night. Since I was released from the hospital a few years ago for my eating disorder, I was always told to have a snack at night. I cannot break out of this habit now. My husband can go to bed just fine, but I can't and this is pissing me off. This is the only place I know that I can vent. I hate admitting to my husband that I am waking up and eating. It is embarassing as hell because I am so strong during the day and have no cravings at all. Why is this happeneing? I am 4 weeks in to the challenge and need to figure this out ASAP! I went to the gym yesterday afternoon and these thoughts consumed my mind and drove me out of the gym because I felt like I was having a panic attack. I feel nuts right now and I haven't even started dropping my carbs!!!??!!!??

Aside from this week being the worst week (car battery died, TOM is killing me, i have worked till 8 since Monday, haven't been able to do much in the gum becasue my sitter is gone so I have Addyson morning and night) my measurements have somehow stayed the same. I have not gotten on the scale, but did a tape measure this morning.
Calf 13 inches
Thighs 22 inches
Hips 32 inches
Waist 29 inches
Biceps 11 inches
Chest 32 inches

Today I am having to cram two weight sessions in to stay on track. So this is my plan:
6:30 - M1: Chicken breast, low carb wrap, carrots
11:00 - Amin.O Energy (2 scoops), 2 Fish Oil caps
12:00 - Upper Body Workout (Back and Bi's)
1:30 (PWO) - M2: 2 scoops whey, 1 tsp flax, 1/2 cup blueberries
4:00 - M3: tuna (packed in water), low carb wrap, carrots; 2 fish oil caps
5:00 - Cardio (Chest and Tri's)
7:00 - Butternut Squash, 3 egg whites, lettuce
9:00 - Trail mix (mixed nuts, dried fruit, dark chocolate bits); 1 cup light soy milk

Hopefully this weekend will be another lay around, kill myself with a crossfit, do absolutely nothing else kind of weekend. . .

So I decided to start the 12 week competition on this site. I am nervous, but excited. My whole reason for joining this site and kicking my butt in the gym is to further my recovery process and be a good role model. Recovering from an eating disorder is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being judgmental about the way I look. It is a constant battle of "don't eat that" "you don't deserve this" etc. I just want to be healthy and safe so that my family's history of eating disorders skips my daughter and ends with me. I would never wish this hell on anyone.

Johnny Lane and I are going to workout this morning and then head in to Jackson for sushi and a movie. Monday is our two year anniversary and since we both have to work, we are celebrating it early today. My back has been hurting a little bit behind my shoulder blade, like something is pinching it. Johnny says it is because my glutes/hammies are becoming stronger than my upper body, causing me to round my back during dead lifts and squats so we just have to work on evening my muscles out.

Meals yesterday we spot on. I am loving Amin.O Energy and Casein. I haven't had  a late night snack past my Casein since I started it. I make a pudding out of it using 1 tbsp of sugar free instant pudding mix. Best decision ever!

Weight is 126 this morning. I am most definitely about to start the week of womanhood so pray for my sanity as it is also my first week of strict dieting. I already pre-apologized to my office should I seem witchy.

Well, it is 6:15 AM so I am off to feed the puppy and get my morning going. Have a great weekend!

Unfortunately, my journal titles are never creative, mainly because I never have one thing outstanding in my entries to create a spin-off from.

It has been a difficult week for me. Energy is low. Appetite is up. I am probably getting close to starting my "glorious" one week reminder of woman-hood.

I finally got my meal plan together for carb cycling. I also convinced myself to buy casein (ON chocolate peanut butter) and Amin.O Energy - Fruit Fusion. That stuff rocks! I wanted the Orange Cooler, but GNC was out of it. I have my High, Moderate, and Low days based around my workout days (Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday). Tuesdays will be my rest days, but that is subject to change if one of the other football coaches continues to spend the night on Mondays.

Today is a light weight day for me.  2x8 squats; 2x5 single leg deadlifts; 2x10 single leg hip thrusters; 2x20 weighted back extensions; and 2x20 overhead lunges.

Since I just got my meal plan together this morning, this is my last day of do whatever the heck I want. I made stuffed jalapenos last night with low fat cream cheese, cheddar cheese, and pulled chicken then breaded it in fiber one. I liked them because I love spicy foods, but they killed Johnny. I also made sweet potato protein bread and carrot cake protein bars. (I will have my own bakery one day and escape this damn desk job!!!) I will try and post yummy pictures later on tonight. I decided not to make dinner tonight and will just make a veggie omelet. My parents are coming in tomorrow night so we usually go out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays (LOVE their salad bar!).

That's all the rambles I have for now. Have a good one y'all!

This week is going to be rough. Johnny is working most mornings this week with the exception of Thursday, so my weights are going to be in the afternoon. I have the hardest time lifting in the afternoon becuase I am exhausted from work and the gym is normally packed so I have to wait my turn. Today is just a cardio day so I will go at lunch and do 45 minutes on the elliptical. The head football coach is staying over tonight since he currently lives in Jackson and it would save him some gas to stay over. I am making chicken fajitas with low carb wraps. I am planning on doing a low carb diet for about two weeks to get my butt back in gear. I have felts softer since Friday's cheat and need to switch the game plan up a bit. I read an article on this site about an easy low carb plan where you do 1g of carb per pound of body weight (125g for me) for 5 days, then day 6-8 you do 3g per pound of body weight and decrease your protein a bit. My fats, like always, will derive from flax, fish oil, olive oil, some cheeses, and meats. I can't do peanut butter as I have no will power for moderation.

My workout yesterday was decent. I sprinted 2 miles in 16 minutes then did a strength crossfit (30 push presses (bar only), 25 (assited) pull ups, 30 push ups, 20 leg presses (135#), 25 dumbell bench press (25# dumbells), 25 over head lunges (25# plate), 35 weighted situps (12# ball), 20 good mornings (bar only), 30 kettle bells swings (1.5 pood/35#). My shoulders are a little sore this morning from it.

Meals today: 1. 1/3 cup oats, 1 scoop protein, 2 tbsp ground flax; 2. Turkey breast, 1 egg white, 1/2 egg, 1 fiber bar; 3. 1/4 cup oats; 4. chicken breast, 1/2 low carb wheat wrap, 1/4 cup cheese, veggies; 5. 1 cup Unsweetened organic soy milk (1 net carb), 1 scoop whey protein

4:30AM: Run 10 minutes, 150 abs, shoulders 2x20; 155# DL (75% 1RM) 30 for time; 100 pushups; Superset step ups and overhead weighted lunges 3x8; leg curls 1x20(85#); 50 minutes elliptical crosstrainer.

Meals: Clean apple french toast and 3 egg whites; turkey omelette; protein scoop with organic soy milk (unsweetened); chickel roll ups with orzo.

We just got back from church and Addyson is down and out - normally for 2 hours - so I have time to relax. We didn't get to bed until late last night so a two hour nap is seeming like a great idea right now.

Happy Memorial Weekend all!

My lower abs are killing me! My workout this morning kicked my butt. I did my hangclean/power clean crossit followed by front squats, rdl's, etc that I listed earlier. Walking around this afternoon, it hurts to breath, but I love that pain :D It is a sick (but healthy) obsession for sure. I scaled down my cardio this morning because I felt like I was overdoing it/had overdone it this week and by body was put through enough torture this morning.

Cheat meal tonight! I don't know where we are going yet for dinner. My grandmother is watching my daughter and we are going to see a dinner and a movie, both my choice. I am thinking Hangover 2 and still undecided on dinner. What are your favorite cheat meals?

Workout this morning kicked some butt. I did 5 sets of 2+1 hang clean/power clean at 85#, Deadlifted 135# 4 times, 155# 4 times, 175# 3 times and 185# 2x2. I need to find a way to improve my grip. Suggestions? My hands sweat and slipped during my last 2 sets. I had the lift easy, just with my grip sucking some kind of bad, it makes me struggle. After the deadlifts, I did 3x20 dumbbell rows with 20#, super set barbell curls and tricep extensions 2x15 and super set leg curls (85#) and back extensions 3x10. After all that gloriousness, I jogged for 30 minutes for 3.25 miles. Add some weighted abs and bam, morning done!

Meals today:

1. Protein scoop, 1/4 cup wheat bran

2. Tuna, pesto mashed potatoes (yukon potato with basil, thyme, olive oil, and skim milk) and asparagus, 2 fish oil/omega 3,6,9 caps

3. Gladiator with raspberries

4. Baked chicken coated with dijon mustard and fiber crust, arugula salad, and asparagus

5. 2 low carb (80 cal per wrap/12 g fiber per wrap = 6 net carbs), 2 tbsp apple butter

Tomorrow is a cardio/crossfit/goof day in the gym. Meals I am planning on doing 3 egg whites, 2 slices wheat bread for Meal 1. Meal 2 is chicken breast, potato, and green beans. Meal 3 is salmon patties (canned salmon, flax seed, carrots, onion, and spices blended together and placed on a Pam'd skillet) with veggies. Meal 4 is 1 cup almond milk and 1 cup fiber bran. I feel like I have been relying on protein powder way too much and don't want to do that because I want to eat real protein and not drink it all of the time. It is hard for me to get a regular meal pattern down because I do my workouts at 4AM and my gym is 20 minutes from my home so I usually shower there and leave to go to work so I am not doubling back and wasting gas. Thankfully, Walmart now sells 6 hard boiled eggs for 1 dollar. Any other suggestions? I know I can keep tuna and oatmeal at my work desk and canned veggies. I am not big on protein bars as they come with added sugars and massive amounts of carbs. I'd love to get ideas on what you all do.

I'm off to search the site for ideas for on the go people like me! Have a great night all!