Making an amends
Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong and just didn’t know how to fix it? Well, for me that is exactly what happened in the summer of 2006. I was killing myself getting ready for the 2006 NPC Junior Nationals. I had trained so hard I would literally make myself pass out after workouts. All I could see was my desire to turn pro. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of any other outcome. That is not a very healthy thing to do, because having an unrealistic expectation can really create misery in your life. My whole life was out of balance and I was too stubborn to see that I was really a mess. With my relentless drive I not only got in shape, but in retrospect, I realized I overshot the mark. I came into the show too lean and dehydrated and even had veins on my face. After the show I was too emotional to be realistic about how I really looked on stage. As I look back, I realize that I simply looked unattractive. I know the NPC is looking for healthy, attractive women to represent their organization and the sport.
I am embarrassed by the fact that I was one of those competitors that felt they should have gotten 1st when really I shouldn’t have.
I finished the show and was disappointed OK, destroyed by my 8th place finish. I have been known to have a hot temper, something that I have really worked on in the past few years. But at that time I just simply snapped. I was overworked, broken emotionally, broke financially, out of work and out of ideas, and briefly out of my mind. In my anger, and not being mature enough to look at how I really looked on stage, regretfully I made some negative comments about the NPC online. I pointed the finger at everyone except myself. And I was wrong. About a week later, and as I began to cool down I realized that I was way out of line and I asked the moderator of the board to please remove the comments I made in haste.
And because I was too afraid to admit my faults, I brushed it under the rug and I started to compete in other organizations and deep down I was heart broken because I knew the best organizations that exist are the NPC and IFBB.
I knew I was out of line, and didn’t know how to fix it. I believe that since then I have learned and grown and matured and am trying to admit when I am at fault in all areas of my life.
I feel badly for being so selfish, and can only hope that the NPC and IFBB can forgive me.
I deeply regret my actions, and I hope that one day I may step back on an NPC stage once again.
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July 24, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Ava,
We all fall! It one of the sad truths about life. But falls are about learning, about making ourselves better! About Maturing. For if you fall and you don’t learn from it, then you will continue to fall, even if you suceed the next time.
You have fallen, but look at what you have taken away from your fall! Look how you have matured over time. Time has that funny thing about changing our proception of things and humbling us. Even if the NPC and IFBB don’t forgive your remarks at least you were strong enough to make amends! That powerful, that mature and the professional!
I am proud of you, and wish for your continued progress! This blog so did touch my heart!
J
July 24, 2009 at 4:16 pm
guilt is only the halfway mark on the road to forgiveness
July 24, 2009 at 6:16 pm
It take a real woman to admit when she did wrong, and you have proved that you’re a true woman. You’ve done what very few people (myself included) can do: admit fault and learn from it.
Great blog, Ava! That really brought a tear to my eye (no joke).
July 24, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Awa, I hope that one day you will be able to compete in NPC figure show. You are an amazing person, and your story is very inspirational.
July 24, 2009 at 9:21 pm
It truly takes a big person to admit when they were wrong. Ava you truly are a shining light and somehow you will be forgiven no matter what even if not outright by the organizations. Someone will shine upon you and accept your appologies. Not everyone can put their pride aside as you have and admit their faults.
July 25, 2009 at 5:15 am
It is really hard to admit your own fault Ava. If more people could do that I believe our world would be in a healthier condition. I, too, know how it is to have a temper problem and spew poison from the mouth when I should have just kept it shut. From what I have read on your bio and conversed with you, you are a pretty amazing person with alot to be proud of. You have placed your foot forward in recognizing what you did and if it takes awhile for this issue to be resolved, do not let it bring you down. I always live my life by the old Latin word INVICTUS ( meaning bloddied but unbowed; unconquerable ) as if it were tattooed across my chest. You can’t change the past but you can mold your future. Have a great weekend and chin up.
July 26, 2009 at 5:09 am
your human and I’m sure you have learned from them
July 27, 2009 at 6:18 am
Ava,
It’s only human to make mistakes but it takes guts to admit when your wrong so well done.
Learn from your mistakes and look forward, you can’t change the past you can learn from it to make your future better.
"What the mind can conceive the body can acheive"
July 27, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Ava, you are human, and we all make mistakes, but I admire the courage it took to admit them, keep smiling girl!!
July 27, 2009 at 9:47 pm
You are the best!
August 11, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I don’t know when this blog was written, but I just read you are competing at team U. and there was a link to this blog. My question is, since the Team U. is a national level show, did you have to do a national qualifier first or did the NPC give you an exemption to enter the show outright? It will be good to see you onstage. Have only seen you in magazines and online. You have a super physique.
August 23, 2009 at 1:49 pm
you go girl. We all have tendencies to be *******s sometimes. I have VERY often in the past said things i regretted im just now learning to hold my tongue. & because youre in the public eye now [go you!] youll be persecuted way harder for human mistakes because people view u as SUPERhuman. welcome to celebritydom=/ but ya know what, this really shows that you ARE human & it takes a goodass STRONG sss person to publicly admit they made a mistake & not try to cover it up with their image. you go girl.
September 29, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I admire you even more now
For many people it’s too hard, too painful, to reflect on their role in negative outcomes in the past. But I think that "owning" what we’ve done that we regret is huge in being able to move on emotionally. Even if the NPC won’t take you back, you are free…For myself, the worst I’ve ever felt was after I’d done something that was out of line with my vision of how I want to be. All you can do is apologize, as you have, and keep moving forward. It takes strength to do that 