Ava Cowan’s BodyBlog

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong and just didn’t know how to fix it?  Well, for me that is exactly what happened in the summer of 2006.  I was killing myself getting ready for the 2006 NPC Junior Nationals.  I had trained so hard I would literally make myself pass out after workouts.  All I could see was my desire to turn pro.  I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of any other outcome.  That is not a very healthy thing to do, because having an unrealistic expectation can really create misery in your life.  My whole life was out of balance and I was too stubborn to see that I was really a mess.  With my relentless drive I not only got in shape, but in retrospect, I realized I overshot the mark.  I came into the show too lean and dehydrated and even had veins on my face.  After the show I was too emotional to be realistic about how I really looked on stage.  As I look back, I realize that I simply looked unattractive.  I know the NPC is looking for healthy, attractive women to represent their organization and the sport. 

I am embarrassed by the fact that I was one of those competitors that felt they should have gotten 1^st when really I shouldn’t have. 

I finished the show and was disappointed OK, destroyed by my 8^th place finish.  I have been known to have a hot temper, something that I have really worked on in the past few years.  But at that time I just simply snapped.  I was overworked, broken emotionally, broke financially, out of work and out of ideas, and briefly out of my mind.  In my anger, and not being mature enough to look at how I really looked on stage, regretfully I made some negative comments about the NPC online. I pointed the finger at everyone except myself.  And I was wrong.  About a week later, and as I began to cool down I realized that I was way out of line and I asked the moderator of the board to please remove the comments I made in haste. 

And because I was too afraid to admit my faults, I brushed it under the rug and I started to compete in other organizations and deep down I was heart broken because I knew the best organizations that exist are the NPC and IFBB. 

I knew I was out of line, and didn’t know how to fix it.  I believe that since then I have learned and grown and matured and am trying to admit when I am at fault in all areas of my life. 

I feel badly for being so selfish, and can only hope that the NPC and IFBB can forgive me.

I deeply regret my actions, and I hope that one day I may step back on an NPC stage once again.