6 Years of Freedom
It is always a bit difficult to bring up past issues without some sort of fear about what other people will think. But the obstacles that I have overcome have made me the strong, determined, driven woman that I am today.
6 years ago yesterday, 6/24/2003, I was in a rehab facility in Napa Valley, California for the second time. I was actually admitted the 15th of June in 2003, but was given narcotics to help detox me from the real “narcotics” I was using on a daily basis. So I chose the 24th as my sobriety date as I was drug free starting on that day. I had a history of drug and alcohol abuse that lasted through all of my 20’s and robbed me of time, real relationships, and my self esteem. I had some sober time, about 2 years, when I just wasn’t in the right places or with the right people. Life was happening and I just wanted to go away. That is why I used to begin with, so I could cope with the way I felt. And it worked for quite a while and gave me the confidence that I never had. It was medicine and filled the hole that was constantly present in my soul. But in 2003, when I had the relapse, I knew was an addict, and so it really took the ignorant bliss out of drinking and using drugs. I also knew, that if I continued I would die. The way the disease was progressing with me…I just knew something really bad was bound to happen.
The decision was the most painful for me because I had “things”. I had an expensive car, beautiful clothes, a nice apartment, perfect credit, and I looked good. So it was really hard to get honest and humble, and in order to save my life I walked away from all of my possessions. I drove my Mercedes to B of A and turned it in, when the lease was almost fully paid. I walked out of a fully furnished apartment in Sunny Isles, FL and got on a plane headed to California. This decision also affected my “perfect credit”, since being in rehab for 30 days you cannot work or pay bills on time. I also lost all and I mean all of my “friends”. Everyone abandoned me. Though now I am glad they did.
So I stayed for the 30 days in a rehab facility, I knew the gig was up, and I knew I had to get it together. At this point I had already gone to school to be a personal trainer, so I did have that for work. I made it back to FL with no money, no car, and no place to live.
I had a hard time connecting with other sober people, but stuck it out nonetheless. I held on, no matter what and began to deal with the reasons I had to medicate myself. Along the way, I had this idea that I wanted to compete in figure. I had for years seen the icons of fitness in the magazines, and there was this voice inside that said you could do that. Then I would say to myself …no…and put the magazine down. It was painful to know that I wasted so many years, and I wasn’t willing to waste anymore time once I got my bearings in sobriety.
As I was making a decision to compete in the 2005 NPC Southern States, I enthusiastically mentioned my dreams to a guy I was hanging out with at the time, and he said, “I think you are a bit too old to start competing.” My heart felt like it dropped a 1,000 feet. And those words struck a nerve inside, the part that never felt apart of. The part that didn’t feel equal or good enough. And something inside changed in that moment. I had worked too hard to let anyone or anything stand in my way. 16 weeks later I was standing in the middle of the stage at the War Memorial Auditorium in complete shock as my name was called as the Overall winner. I was just shaking my head no in disbelief. That was the single best moment of my life. And for once it worked, I fit in, and was accepted.
So here I am now, 4 years later. Still fighting, still clawing my way up. You see, one day I want to write a book about my life. Because to know where I really came from to where I am now is a miracle. It really is. I am not even close to fulfilling my dreams and have a few more big goals I want to achieve. That is why I work so hard, train so hard, fight so hard, and never give up. Because I never want to look back. And God willing, I never will.
June 25, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Good for you Ava not letting such negativity get to you instead turn it into motivation to drive you harder. You are a true inspiration. Congrats on your big win recently as well!!
June 25, 2009 at 4:32 pm
TRUELY, TRUELY an amazing accomplishment!!!! You have come very far!!! Congrats on your success, and future success!!!
June 25, 2009 at 4:49 pm
What a fantastic story. You deserve all the wonderful things that come your way. Hooray!
June 25, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Ava you are my hero! Please write the book! It will serve the world and I will reserve the first copy.
June 25, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Truly wonderful!
June 25, 2009 at 7:38 pm
What a beautiful testimony!
June 25, 2009 at 7:57 pm
*applause, and a tear* oh my your story is soooooo inspiring, I am in shock, and in total admiration…not in million years would I have expected that such a successful, beautiful person like you had been thru that…thanks for sharing this, I was truly moved…I’m looking forward to reading your book
June 25, 2009 at 8:07 pm
i applaude your courage in sharing your life with all of us.
June 25, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Wow, see this is why you are amazing. You have a STORY to tell the world. Thank you for sharing with us. I wish you all the best. You’re a survivor in more ways than one and you will succeed wherever fate takes you.
June 25, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Wow, wow and wow…. I’ve always thought you were completely awesome in how you give back to help others. So many athletes at your level keep such a distance as if there is some big "secret"! Thanks for revealing your human side and allowing us in… I so happy you’ve found your purpose!
June 26, 2009 at 12:12 am
Reading your blog makes that victory even more sweeter, what an amazing turnaround. Gotta hand it to you Ava you are one amazing woman.
June 26, 2009 at 4:41 am
Congratulations on turning your life around, your accomplishment is so much more than anyone can realize. I admire your strength and dedication.
June 26, 2009 at 4:49 am
Wow, Ava… I just learned you and I have been on similar boats.. Congrats on your win this weekend. You looked stunning ! !! !
June 26, 2009 at 9:09 am
Wow, what a story!
You really should write a book.
Congrats!
June 26, 2009 at 9:14 am
OMG!!! I never would have guessed. I’m so proud to know that you are such a good friend to so many people, myself included. I love you for all your determination and your stary is a real transformation story. Congrats
June 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me that no one can tell you what you can or can’t do…if we put our mind to anything, we can achieve it. Yes, we may not always be "THE WINNER", but if you do something that you put your whole heart and soul into, you are a winner….and NO ONE can make your life decisions. It comes from inside. Your such a STRONG amazing woman. God bless you.
June 26, 2009 at 12:40 pm
i am a child of someone who had the problems you did, but never turned there life around…..everyday i am proud of what i made of my life knowing what i came from….you either let it bring you down or you claw your way out!!! i have dirt under my nails from clawing :0)
June 28, 2009 at 6:48 am
All i can say is WOW. It is funny how you can look at someone and just by the way they look, just assume certain things about them. i would never have thought you had gone through all of that, simply because you are so graceful and disciplined and really kind. But you are now an even more amazing women for the stuff that you have gone through. It says something about a persons character when they can go through dark times and come out a better person. You cared about yourself that much to finally go to rehab. You are such an inspiration to everyone.
June 30, 2009 at 2:43 am
Ava, I believe that the most beautiful people in this world are the ones who have overcome the most ugly things in life. I applaud you on what you have done for yourself. And wish you every success. I’ve had struggles in the past also, a drink and drug addiction that I got over with no help from anyone. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do - I had absolutely no one to turn to, but I wanted to live, just to put it simply! I fell off the wagon once about the time when I was pregnant with my daughter but didn’t know that I was pregnant. she is the healthiest girl ever though so god has blessed me there. Weights saved my life I believe, I still have the odd problem with anxiety which I firmly believe is due to the use of the class a drugs, but I have coping mechanisms. I’m happy you had the confidence to write about this. I have no memorable date because it’s all such a blur to me but life was a blur for about 6 or 7 years. Take care girl. You truly are beautiful
June 30, 2009 at 1:43 pm
You are an amazing woman! It takes alot of guts to admit to dark moments in our lives. For someone like myself just starting out it is truly inspiring to know that even through adversity we can still achieve any dream we set out on. Thank you for your honesty…you are truly amazing inside and out!
June 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It goes to show that dedication, perserverance and the willingness to overcome adversity is part of the success you have today. Congratulations in ALL your accomplishments and I’m looking forward to hearing about your future successes. You go girl!
July 1, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. Your an amazing person! I suffered many years with depression. The only medication I found to be useful and I still use it to this day is exercise. Sometimes when I feel anxious, I go for a run or push and pull some iron. I am happy to hear of your freedom! Mine has been 3 years so far….I feel great and I am looking forward to my first figure show. You take care and I am going to add you to my "inspirational" list.
July 1, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Now I know that I can reach my goals. Many many thanks
July 2, 2009 at 7:48 am
I just wanted to thank those of you for leaving the wonderful comments. I posted this because I know that many suffer in silence and have no one to turn to to get help. Through this web site alone, I have been able to share my experience, strength, and hope to others who are struggling or have loved ones who are. This is my primary purpose above all else is to help others. If you need to speak privately regarding this topic you may contact me at avacowan@gmail.com
July 3, 2009 at 8:15 am
I admire your courage to share the "real" you. Thank you for sharing and helping others find THEIR strength.
July 3, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Once again, Ava…you are truely an amazing woman. Thank you so much for your candidness. I know that God is going to bless you to achieve all that you set out to do if you keep Him first. God bless you!
July 4, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Amazing! Keep it going. Makes me want to go workout now!
July 7, 2009 at 8:42 pm
wow…i would have never thought… you are definatly a tough lady
July 12, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Tears came to my eyes as I read this and I feel so small in the way I have let stress derail my training and my committments. You have come throuigh so much and have achieved so much that it makes my petty stressors seem ridiculous in comparison. I’d like permission to print this and use it as a way to see that I should never let anything get in my way either. You look wonderful and your dedication is to be applauded
July 12, 2009 at 6:52 pm
wow you are even stronger and more beautiful on the inside…you are true inspiration and i can only hope to be maybe half as strong as you are
July 13, 2009 at 8:44 pm
As I read this, I am amazed. I was drawn to your picture because you are the person I want to be. After reading your story with almost 2 years sobriety, I can see that my dream is possible. Someone else out there has been through it and has broke through it, risen above the ashes and ultimately got to the other side. Wow. I am so proud of you because I know what it takes to get sober. I am astonished by your physical results. You give me hope. Lasting hope. And I thank you. All the best, Jane
July 31, 2009 at 11:54 pm
WOW! Ava thanks for sharing that with the internet world. I am so glad I viewed your bodyspace page. you are my favorite female figure competitor, although i admire a lot of other women, too. Well i love Melissa hall, too. i always follow what the 2 of you are upto.
you story helps me see that the world is not over because of past mistakes. i graduated last year with a ba from a good university in CA; however, i began drinking excessively and getting high so my grades plummeted. for the past year i have been so bummed out, i wasn’t driving a mercedes or anything lol, but i had to give up my apartment and other materials to move back home with my folks and its been rough. now i want to go to law school and i am thinking about trying to become a fitness model. i mention it to some people and when they hear about my gpa or see me they just lol. However, your story helps me to keep my hope and to fight for what i want.
i know that was long :plays the violin: but thank you for sharing you story. i have been sober for 8 months and will continue to be and create new goals and be the best me i can. thank you Ava.
p.s. you looks AMAZINGLY beautiful!! Congrats on winning Figure Universe and i hope one day in the near future you can step onto a NPC stage again. You are a huge reason why i am interested in the fitness industry. You will! you rock Ava!!
August 23, 2009 at 1:56 pm
idk if youll read this. but you are my hero. My mom is an alcoholic. i lived with her until i was 16 and i just couldnt take it anymore. I took care of my self from 12 to 16 ^& then moved with my aunt. it made me the person i am today but she really tortured me. shes my mom though i love her & i know what its like to need to escape and to fall into the trap. she lives in mississippi now. 2 yrs sober. but she almost died to get to that point. & shes still real skinny & she started smoking again. She doesnt listen she thinks shes fine. I wish she could be more like you but I am going to keep going with this until i can make her proud & show her what you can accomplish in life& when i get money im going to take her out of mississippi & get her a trainer & someone to help her get back on track and healthy again so she wont have to live and die in podunk mississippi. im going to tell her about you. shes 48. @ least now i know theres hope. ive forgiven her but she wont forgive herself. one day im going to save her though.
September 17, 2009 at 7:07 am
This is an inspiration to others that you can fulfill your dreams with a lot of hard work and effort. Thank you for sharing and good luck. I hope to share a stage right next to you one day.
September 29, 2009 at 6:37 pm
What a moving post…I take solace in knowing that underneath the veneer of "OK-ness", EVERYONE struggles. It’s part of being human–if only everyone could be transparent about their suffering, what a different place the world would be. Huge kudos to your for having the guts to share your story. As you know it’s about daily choices….keep going!!