It is always a bit difficult to bring up past issues without some sort of fear about what other people will think. But the obstacles that I have overcome have made me the strong, determined, driven woman that I am today.
6 years ago yesterday, 6/24/2003, I was in a rehab facility in Napa Valley, California for the second time. I was actually admitted the 15th of June in 2003, but was given narcotics to help detox me from the real “narcotics” I was using on a daily basis. So I chose the 24th as my sobriety date as I was drug free starting on that day. I had a history of drug and alcohol abuse that lasted through all of my 20’s and robbed me of time, real relationships, and my self esteem. I had some sober time, about 2 years, when I just wasn’t in the right places or with the right people. Life was happening and I just wanted to go away. That is why I used to begin with, so I could cope with the way I felt. And it worked for quite a while and gave me the confidence that I never had. It was medicine and filled the hole that was constantly present in my soul. But in 2003, when I had the relapse, I knew was an addict, and so it really took the ignorant bliss out of drinking and using drugs. I also knew, that if I continued I would die. The way the disease was progressing with me…I just knew something really bad was bound to happen.
The decision was the most painful for me because I had “things”. I had an expensive car, beautiful clothes, a nice apartment, perfect credit, and I looked good. So it was really hard to get honest and humble, and in order to save my life I walked away from all of my possessions. I drove my Mercedes to B of A and turned it in, when the lease was almost fully paid. I walked out of a fully furnished apartment in Sunny Isles, FL and got on a plane headed to California. This decision also affected my “perfect credit”, since being in rehab for 30 days you cannot work or pay bills on time. I also lost all and I mean all of my “friends”. Everyone abandoned me. Though now I am glad they did.
So I stayed for the 30 days in a rehab facility, I knew the gig was up, and I knew I had to get it together. At this point I had already gone to school to be a personal trainer, so I did have that for work. I made it back to FL with no money, no car, and no place to live.
I had a hard time connecting with other sober people, but stuck it out nonetheless. I held on, no matter what and began to deal with the reasons I had to medicate myself. Along the way, I had this idea that I wanted to compete in figure. I had for years seen the icons of fitness in the magazines, and there was this voice inside that said you could do that. Then I would say to myself …no…and put the magazine down. It was painful to know that I wasted so many years, and I wasn’t willing to waste anymore time once I got my bearings in sobriety.
As I was making a decision to compete in the 2005 NPC Southern States, I enthusiastically mentioned my dreams to a guy I was hanging out with at the time, and he said, “I think you are a bit too old to start competing.” My heart felt like it dropped a 1,000 feet. And those words struck a nerve inside, the part that never felt apart of. The part that didn’t feel equal or good enough. And something inside changed in that moment. I had worked too hard to let anyone or anything stand in my way. 16 weeks later I was standing in the middle of the stage at the War Memorial Auditorium in complete shock as my name was called as the Overall winner. I was just shaking my head no in disbelief. That was the single best moment of my life. And for once it worked, I fit in, and was accepted.
So here I am now, 4 years later. Still fighting, still clawing my way up. You see, one day I want to write a book about my life. Because to know where I really came from to where I am now is a miracle. It really is. I am not even close to fulfilling my dreams and have a few more big goals I want to achieve. That is why I work so hard, train so hard, fight so hard, and never give up. Because I never want to look back. And God willing, I never will.
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