Need some advice!
Wow, I received a phone call last night from a buddy of mine…it freaking blew my mind. After he explained everything, he asked for advice. I was speechless. So here is the story all summed up!
His wife has fallen in love with another man (which according to my buddy she has never met face to face) and this guy has fallen in love with her. She met him on line and in like 2 months was in love. Supposedly, he was giving her what my buddy was not. There has been many lies and attempted cover ups. He sounded like crap (understandably so). Unfortunately, he is in another state and since I am in the military…I can not get to him. I feel so helpless. She told him that she is not sure who she wants to be with. She has been married to him for some time and has kids together. He told her in order for them to get past this, she needs to sever all ties with him. She refuses to cut ties with this guy and says that she needs to handle this her way. That means she needs to continue to talk to this guy until she figures it out. He told me that he suggested counseling, but she flat out refused.
Obviously, my first question was, "dude, do you still love her?" I told me that he is still in love with her and wants them to work it out, that he still loves her more than ever. So here is my buddy who has to give her space while she works this out. Meanwhile, he has to act like nothing is wrong in order to not push her to this guy and hope that the kids to get a sense that something is wrong.
So here is the million dollar question…how do I tell my buddy to do this? I couldn’t imagine what he must be going through! I would really like to hear what some of your ideas on this issue might be…feeling helpless friend.
4 August 2008 at 6:57 am
Wow! How horrible for you and everyone involved. Thankfully his wife has only fallen for a fantasy (so far) and not a real man. I couldn’t begin to tell you or your friend what to do except be his friend. ):
4 August 2008 at 7:02 am
The online thing is telling. Telling, in that it’s not that she has fallen in love with this particular guy, but is reaching out to *a* guy - any guy. That this has happened so quickly means that something has been wrong for a while, and she is looking for a wedge to split her current life in two. She may very well regret it down the road, but if she was actually happy and content, none of this would be happening now.
Could things go back to how they were? It is possible, but unlikely. Unless there is some crazy, specific catalyst that created this episode, I don’t see reconciliation.
There is no easy answer here. One of the hardest things anyone can do, has to do, is abandon their feelings for someone else, and yet that is what has to come to be to protect yourself. If someone is going to be careless with your heart, they do not deserve to have it.
"The only way out is through" is a tagline I like to think a lot about. Some of the toughest times in my life were only possible to get through by facing them. Putting things off, ignoring things, just led to that empty, crushing feeling in my chest. I think this guy, your friend, shouldn’t wait for something to happen, he should make it happen. And if he confronts her, it has to be with an understanding that he may not get the answers he wants; he must be willing to accept that he may lose. If you go in willing to capitulate to anything in order to keep her, you have handcuffed yourself and that’s not fair to your own well being.
4 August 2008 at 8:58 am
I know this must be so hard for you…it is a very delicate situation. If I were you, I would not advise my friend to do anything. He needs you to be there to listen and support him. Is sounds as though his wife is going to pursue this other man, so I don’t think there is much your friend can do. Just be there for him…that’s being a great friend. Good luck…..
4 August 2008 at 10:36 am
crlgrl…no, it is a "real man". They haven’t met in person, but supposedly she is in love and might leave. Yeah, it sucks for him.
4 August 2008 at 10:42 am
CBRMitch…your words sound true, unfortunately. I spoke to him today and he is currently angry. Angry that he is supposed to just "wait until she figures things out". Meanwhile, they barely speak and they are in seperate areas of the house, while she is free to talk to the guy for as long as she wants…because that is supposedly what she needs to do. I told him it was crap, she only said that so she could talk to him guilt free.
4 August 2008 at 11:00 am
does she still love her hubby? Intrnet is fantasy land. She has never met the other man and until she does….she cannot truly love him. She does need to figure this out and what is important to her. Its easy to make someone perfect for you because they ARE only fantasy. This is a tough one. Married people are pretty easily lured on the internet beause you start thinking attention is LOVE. I have a few married men contacting me, but don’t go there because of this………
4 August 2008 at 11:10 am
If this online guy were someone she was seeing in person, do you think your friend would still let her keep seeing the guy? I would hope not. So why is he letting her get away with it now? I wish she could read all of these comments so that she’d see she IS living in a fantasy land. The online guy could be telling her anything he wants to and it doesn’t mean it’s the truth. He could be living in a trailer with 4 teeth left in his mouth for all she knows.
Your friend needs to put his foot down and tell her that if she doesn’t cut ties with the online guy and go to marriage counseling with him, then it’s over. She needs to respect him and their marriage.
He’s basically giving her persmission to "cyber cheat" on him by standing by and letting her "figure it out". She needs to grow up!!
4 August 2008 at 11:22 am
I have to agree with everyone above…Internet is ‘fantasy land’. Sadly to a marriage that is probably already having problems and issues it becomes an escape. And the internet has definatly opened up a WHOLE new level of cheating and escape.
I think your friend needs to take a stand too. Maybe its time to ‘unplug’ the net and see if they can save their marriage.
Sadly I think stuff like this is going on more and more. I hope that your friend and his wife are able to figure this out and find a return to love. Ummm…the real kind!
4 August 2008 at 11:25 am
Thanks Storm…I will pass along the information.
4 August 2008 at 11:59 am
This is heart breaking. In my opinion you can not work ANYTHING out in a marriage as long as the other person is involved with someone else. It’s impossible to work it out with a 3rd party in the picture. As long as she continues to talk to this guy there is no way of working on their relationship. You can’t go to someone else for help on your marriage….never works. So if they plan to save anything she has got to stop contacting this guy. And if he is any kind of man worth being with then he’ll understand and back off until she figures things out with her husband. Truth is that no matter what happens with your buddy and his wife, this relatioship with this other guy will be short lived. You just don’t ever end up living happily ever after with someone you have cheated with…..whether it be an affair of the heart or a physical one. No one has ever proven this fact to be wrong. If she’s not willing to give it up with this guy to work on her marriage first, then maybe it’s just not salvageable. Good luck and best wishes to your buddy!
4 August 2008 at 12:16 pm
All I can tell you is to just be there for him. He will in the end make the right decision for himself no matter what anyone says. But for him to have a great friend to go to for support with any decision he makes is awesome! Having gone through something like this with a friend of mine in the past I can tell you giving the "wrong" advice could ultimately end your friendship, cause if you say leave and he decides to stay he will look at you as somehow bad for his relationship, so no matter what you think about what he SHOULD do…I would just be his friend.
You must be a great friend to write a blog on his behalf! Wish there were more friends like you out there.:)
4 August 2008 at 12:36 pm
You guys are awesome! I do not intend to tell him to stay, go or anything else. I just want to be there for him during this time in his life. Ultimately, the decision is hers anyway…he knows that he can not love someone enough for two. I feel better informed to be able to talk to him and maybe be able to answer some questions. Again, you all ROCK!!
4 August 2008 at 1:28 pm
well jay i for one though am divorced strongly believe in the institution of marriage especially when kids are involved; i would let your buddy know that if he still truly loves his wife then i would recommend waiting it out for her to sort though her seemingly "romantic ideation"; some of us are caught up in the fantasy of the unknown, thrill of the chase so to speak; but then again one cannot force things so if they need to separate so she can figure things out one way or another then that might be best as well; i also believe that things happen for a reason even though it may not seem best at the time; it takes 2 to make things work so…once a person strays it’s even easier next time for them to break commitment (speaking from experience me being on his side of things); hope that helps; just got back fr Aspen, took me over 24hrs fr flight delays & mechanical plane probs-good 2 b hom!
4 August 2008 at 5:20 pm
Just be there for your buddy if not physically emotionally. Be careful not to cut on his wife in any way cause in these situations he will want to vent and he will be angry. If you feel you need more advice suggest you go to a Chaplain to help you cope if necessary! Good Luck
5 August 2008 at 7:58 am
Well, I got to speak to both my buddy and his wife actually. She does not see this as a fantasy thing…she is actually in love. Anyway, she has agreed to stop all communication with him, which is actually impossible, because of the game they play online he is a member as well. So even if they do not talk, they can still "check up" on each other. She will not stop playing the game. She says she is completely committed to her husband and family. She told me that he has been sitting by her while she plays, so he can "babysit". When I asked him, he told me that he is honestly trying to understand the game and be able to spend some time with her doing what she really enjoys. Apparently, she spends anywhere from 4-8 hours per day playing this game and talking to the others online. I told her that he is just trying to be a part of that part of her life and yes, he does have some trust issues. I told her that her repeated lies have caused this and it is something he will have to work through….and it might take a while.
My buddy admitted at some point, he did start taking his wife for granted but that she never expressed to him how she has been feeling. She asked me if a marriage that one person doesn’t trust the other, can that marriage work? I told her that as long as they want it to it will.
5 August 2008 at 9:23 am
Wow…this is a lot of info. Hopefully these comments don’t confuse you more. You are a good friend, be there for him. He is going to do what he wants anyway. From experience getting involved is never a good idea. One thing I will say, how do you know it’s a real guy or even a nice guy…maybe it’s a woman undercover. You never really know these days what’s at the other end of that computer. Could be a mass murderer? Could be a wierdo? If I were him I wouldn’t fret. Afterall, why haven’t they met face to face yet?
5 August 2008 at 4:25 pm
Thanks superbuffgirl…he knows that it is a real person, a guy. She has called him…both on his cell and at his place of employment on several occasions. I do not offer advice, just a ear. They haven’t met face to face yet because he lives 3 hours away and they only have one car. She is a stay at home mom in a real close knit community.
5 August 2008 at 9:27 pm
This is nothing more then a symptom of other issues in their relationship. It h
is his choice. You stay outa it! I wouldn’t even listen to his BS about her. Sounds cruel, yet it creates a triangle and as long as he has you to complain, cry and get sympathy from, he will have no reason to take his issues to her. You will only be an enabler. No good will come from it. Now it’s! Yet, it is the best thing. ed aka Ol Supe