Well, it has been a rough couple of weeks at my house. Completely lost sight of all things fitness. My wife and I have been bickering about some stupid on line video game that she plays. It is very interactive and requires a lot of time on her part. It also requires her to chat with a lot of people. I found out that I am jealous of this because I am not part of it and frankly I won’t be. She is an amazing wife, mother and person…she is the light in my sky. She is also a stay at home mom to two wonderful kids. These kids are 2 and 5 and they can be a handful. She using this game as a "vacation" from the everyday stresses that she needs to tackle. One of the people who plays the game also, has developed strong feelings for her. They started out flirting back and forth and he seems to boost her self esteem. I did not handle that well at all. She has since told him that he can’t be telling her that he wishes he was with her, etc. I completely trust her, my issue is with him…I don’t trust him. He has honored her request and has kept his comments at a more appropriate level. That makes me feel better. My question is to you women…am I completely in left field for being bothered by this person? He makes her feel good about herself and she said that it is like validation for when I tell her how awesome and beautiful she is. She said (and friends confirmed) that women love to have someone think that they are beautiful, sexy, exceptional, etc., even if it comes from a complete stranger. Should this make me upset or happy? I am kind of torn I guess. Part of me hates this guy for wanting to be with my wife, yet another part of me (I found as I was typing this) feels like it is something I should be happy about…but I can’t get there completely. I decided to type this on this site because I am aware that a lot of guys give a lot of complements to a lot of women. Hell, I have given them as well. So am I really out in left field? I think I am standing on the line.
I find myself being jealous of the game, the people she plays with and sometimes…well, it gets the better of me. I am not really looking for answers or anything from you all, I just needed to type this out. Call it a therapy session. Matter of fact, I will be deleting this post as soon as I am done.
How does a guy, who didn’t think he had any of these jealousies come to terms with them? What gets me the most is that by themselves, I typically can get through them as they happen. I do find however that a combination of these issues are more difficult to handle for me. She really enjoys this game and I would not want to have her stop playing, but I am having trouble putting my hands around this and moving on. Sometimes, I tell myself and her and I am past this stuff and then "pow" it blows up in my face. How can I be completely cool one minute and do a 180 the next? I mean shit, she doesn’t even want to include me in the game. She says it would be like I am "monitoring" her. I just want to be a part of this part of her life…this is something she really enjoys. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I must go smoke, I will be back…
I thought that I had buried all of my insecurities long ago. I guess some things come back when you least expect it. Let me try to put some of them down on paper. First, I had my father (whom I worshiped) leave me. Drinking became more important than his own family. In my soul, I know that Kim is not going to leave me…but that fear has came bubbling up. It is a ridiculous notion, but it the feeling is right there anyway. I believe that this is all stemming from that fear! Secondly, we have never really not shared things with each other, but she does not want to share part of her life with me. Wow, as I typed that it is fairly a ridiculous notion…does it really matter? I guess only because it is something she really enjoys and I am jealous that I am not part of it. This probably stems from the same fear I mentioned above. Speaking of ridiculous, I have convinced myself that I am unable to go to sleep without her. That is crazy, but I can’t! Sometimes I feel like I am a pathetic horrible person…to have irrational fears but can’t get them under control.
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