Been here, still fat
For the last two days I have felt my motivation to meet my goals fading. It came out of the blue, I have been stayin on track with everything, but just not as excited and driven as I have been up to this point. I have a pair of "skinny jeans" in my closet that I haven’t been able to wear since around 2002. I kept them this long as a measuring- my- progress tool, as they are, of course after that long, out of style and I wouldn’t want to actually wear them now. Well I pulled them out today out of curiousity to see how far off I am. They are DKNY, size 8 slim fit. To my surprise, they actually fit me again 
Wow, I didn’t think I had come this far. This realization boosted my spirits, I looked in the mirror and admired the slimmer me, but this time I looked at more than how the jeans fit, I looked closer at my entire body and fitting into the jeans isn’t enough of a goal anymore. I have worked my way down to this size in the past and this is the point where I feel content, mind and body, and think that fitting into the size number is enough of a goal, but usually I have only looked at how the clothes look, not at my muscle tone and overall health. Thanks to this site, and all the unbelievable body transformations that normal everyday people have made here, I have set my sights on a bigger goal, but I need to get my mind in line with it. I want to shatter the old goal, move past it as though it never existed…but I think my internal thoughts are stubborn and they believe that this is all the work I need to do because of past lower expectations. Kinda like "muscle memory" only it’s "size memory" or something?
I figure it is what has been draggin me down the last couple of days. Today’s 4 miles were dang hard to do, I had to really talk myself into going to the gym, I didn’t feel like it. I even drank some of an energy drink before I went when normally I just have some coffee about 30 minutes before. The energy drink usually really boosts my run and makes it easier, but not today. I had to push and push myself to finish. When I get to this size, I lose my drive to take it to the next level and don’t feel that I have any more work to do, just maintenance, and that requires much less time at the gym for me. It’s like I have to eat bad food to get back the guilt and self loathing to motivate me to go to the gym at this point… this is where it gets tough, I am on an unprecedented mission by my own body’s standards and it is a battle of the past me versus where I want to be…
