AngelinaMarie’s BodyBlog

Hey guys,

So, yeah, after a major recent meltdown, I’ve made a really difficult but important decision. I want to start by saying this site has been such a blessing. The weight training & diet changes I’ve made have absolutely changed my life. I’m sure that I can keep this up as a lifestyle change & I’m forever grateful for all of the encouragement, advice, & support.

Having said that, I realized after a major meltdown this morning, that things are getting a little bit too serious between me and my body. I’m a perfectionist & have somewhat of an addictive and obsessive personality & while most people can be on this site & have their body building and fitness be a hobby, I realized that I’ve brought it to a level that was just as unhealthy as starving myself or binge/purging. It happened gradually, but I found myself weighing & measuring myself every day, obsessively tracking calories, carbs (which I had reduced to a level that made me suffer mentally, emotionally & physically. I kept at this & considered it a failure when I collapsed because some of the articles on this site suggest reducing carbs by even half of what I was) , fats, etc. I’ve been doing 45 mins of cardio on an empty stomach 6 days a week & going crazy with weight training later in the day. I’ve isolated myself from my friends and family for the sake of achieving the "perfect" body and I just can’t afford to be without that support in my life.

Having said that, I still plan on continuing my workouts (though easing up on cardio a bit) & eating 6 times a day healthy and clean as possible, but I’m putting my scale & measuring equipment away. I’m not going to count my calories or carbs & I’m only going to weigh in once a week or once every two weeks to make sure I don’t put the weight I’ve worked so hard to take off right back on.

I realized this needed to happen when, despite my friends & family commenting on how fit & amazing I’ve been looking recently, I still looked in the mirror and saw the healthy body fat that remained over my muscles as a failure when compared to the %2 figure models I see on this site every day. I found myself trying cutting low-carb, almost starvation diets & then bingeing just like when I was in dance & I can’t go back down that road again. I’ve got to just eat & work out for my health, not my weight. This may mean that I won’t ever achieve less than the around %23 or 137lbs that I am now, but that’s just what it means then. Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with achieving a perfect body or being such a low body fat %. I admire & give kudos to you all for working SO hard. I just have some issues that make this reality something that may just not be for me. I have to learn to like myself for me, not what I can make myself suffer enough to achieve. I love you all & will be checking in & updating periodically. Thank you again for all of your support.

Hey guys,

Sorry I haven’t been updating or posting lately. I was injured on set a while ago which have made my workout efforts very frustrating. I still haven’t missed a workout but I can’t always train the way I’d like.

This combined with several crappy life situations having to do with awful careless & thoughtless boys, a halt in my moving plans & some other things I’d rather not even start on have really stunted my progress. Since I’m an emotional eater, it’s been hard to stick to just one cheat day a week & despite what I promised myself, I have totally been drinking on the weekends when things get though which in turn lead to poor food choices late at night when it’s the worst time to give into them.

Anyway, I’m still in pretty great shape compared with how I started & it doesn’t work for me to get mad at myself when this happens (only makes me more upset & I fall back into that cycle of being upset & eating) so I’m just loosening up my plan a bit (still eating 6 small protein/carb/healthy fat meals a day & working out w/weights & cardio 6 days a week) but I’m not going crazy with the challenge anymore. I can’t deal with all of these things going on with me as well as my injury with just plain chicken, broccoli, & protein shakes 6 times a day & upsetting myself by calling myself a failure when I have a glass of wine with friends.

Just letting you all know I’m fine. Just a little burnt out & recuperating a bit before I go all in again.

So, due to some technical problems as well as me being ridiculously bust between work @ the office, work as a makeup artist/costumer in a student movie, & trying to arrange the move to CA, I haven’t been able to post a new video blog, so here’s just a few updates before I actually start the workday & before I get too caught up to update when I’ve got a few moments.

I had a cheat day this weekend that turned into 3. Blech. I even drank, which I said I wasn’t going to do, but when stress really gets to me, it’s one of the hardest urges to resist since I know it’s something that will work both quickly and effectively every time to calm my nerves & ease my lonely aching heart. I resisted the urge to cheat even more yesterday because I had stupid boy drama & my father seemed like he was trying to pick a fight with me.  I didn’t give in, though. Just had my casein shake, made my food for tomorrow & went to bed.

Today I woke up @ 5 to go to spin class @ 6. I’m trying splitting like in Jennifer Nicole Lee’s 4-week program (http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/4_week_fat_loss_guide.htm) and I’m also trying to incorperate at least 5 days of cardio. I’m trying to decide whether to go to jiu-jitsu at lunch hour, do legs, or go home & nap. I like all of those ideas, but I have to do legs (even though spin kicked my quads up a notch), I SHOULD go to jiu-jitsu, & I WANT & prolly should nap as well since I only got to sleep around 11 last night due to stress.

So, that’s pretty much it. Still doing my best to eat clean, though it’s tough since I barely have time to make it to the grocery store, much less, cook the food I get there. I can’t wait to get to CA. It’ll be so much easier to eat clean when I’m in my own place with my own food & that junk I binge on over the weekends isn’t around in the first place.

Well now I actually have to work. Will post the video blog as soon as possible.

<3

Ang

OK, I made a new video blog this morning but can’t post it while I’m @ work & since I posted my progress pics this morning I’ve already had tons of comments & messages of disbelief.

IT’S TRUE
1. I’m on the Hydroxycut Max challenge
2. The pic of me from only 10 days ago IS really me & it is truly that date on the Newspaper.
3. I’ve lost 7 lbs in 10 days
4. I’ve been eating about 6 protein/carb mixed meals a day consisting of AT LEAST 1200 calories-usually more because I love to eat. I used to starve myself but now that I work out regularly & I don’t have to, I don’t bother.
5. I’ve been working out using a circuit training/cardio routine from Oxygen mag that is different from what I had been doing when I was plateauing.
6. I have ONLY been using the hydroxycut Max as well as my usual supplements of Q-10, Omega-3, Glutamine, & Glucosamine.

Just so no one’s concerned Love you all.

I GOT MY FIRST BLACK STRIPE ON MY BELT!

& All because I decided to train instead of going to see a stupid douchebag who treats me like crap anyway. I’m throughly convinced that this is Karma or fate or whatever you wanna call it giving me a sign that doing things for myself as opposed to the false-love of others is the way to go

So yesterday was my planned cheat meal. I really went nuts & even drank for the first time since I started dieting and working out a month ago. I had a whole bunch of sweet things & to my disgust, ate almost half a jar of almond butter & jelly. Today I worked out as usual & planned to get right back on my eating plan only to find myself indulging in a few nuts here, some extra this or that there & even more almond butter & jelly. I just feel disgusting & even had some of the beef stroganoff and muffins laying around in my family’s kitchen.

I think I mostly slipped & fell so much more than I planned because I’m super stressed out with Christmas coming up, I’m bummed that my special effects makeup class is over, my brother is moving to GA tomorrow (it’ll be the first Christmas we’ve spent apart) & I’ve got to start getting ready to move to CA.

My stomach hurts & I really don’t want this to be like every other diet that’s failed for me. I know I just need to keep at it, but it’s just so hard…

Ok, so it’s week 2 of my Body for Life challenge & I’m starting fresh by dumping last week’s emotional baggage by trying Brigette Brodski’s 12 week Trim-Down diet (http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/brodski3.htm). I may not follow it exactly to the letter or all 12 weeks seeing as it’s actually just 2 weekly meal plans in rotation and I find that when I get bored with food I cheat more, but I found that when planning my own meals, I was getting a little sloppy. A few strawberries here, some nuts there, a cracker over here. Doesn’t seem like a lot but I think it’s really adding up & maybe by following someone else’s set diet plan, I’ll be a little more vigilant. 

Here is my meal plan for today

7am – 1 C Fat Free Cottage Cheese & 1 small apple

10 – (Break time in class) 6oz tuna & 1C celery

12 :30 – 1 Grilled chicken breast w/low carb BBQ sauce & 1 C green beans

3 (another class break) Myoplex Carb smart bar

5:30 Lean ground turkey w/low carb ketchup & 1 slice tomato w/ ¼ C chopped onions w/some smart beat mayo

7:30 – Myoplex carb smart protein shake

I stood next to a mugging first thing in the morning

I was hit by a car (I’m ok physically)

My ex-boyfriend made it seem like he wanted to get back together…only to tell me he changed his mind the same day.

I can’t stop eating.

Please help

So, I’m doing this. Joined a gym, made the notebook. I’m ready.

I was especially inspired by two things

1) My frined Mike being so incredibly supportive of what I’m trying to do by pursuading me not to drink at the party we were at Saturday & evening & encouring my eating habits by asking whether I wanted to go out and eat or stay in if I had something from my cooler planned.

2) My bro (whos’ brutal honesty I value over all others) has always said that though my weight has fluctuated from 114-155 since HS, he never noticed the difference visually, but last night was floored by the fact that he realized "wow. this is the first time I’ve ever noticed a difference in your physical appearance." Not only that, but completely unprompted, he bragged to my mom about the fact that I now weight less than him.

I’m ready. After years of starving, binging, going crazy, gaining, & losing, THIS is what will work for me. I CAN do this, I WILL do this & I LOVE this new life. I may not win the prizes, but I’ll be a winner no matter what when I get the body of my dreams and the confidence & self-assurance that comes with a renewed sense of well-being and self-effocacy. Wish me luck. I have my first weight training workout (upper body) after school.

<3

Ang-

Starting either tomorrow or Monday depending on when I can finish the book. Wish me luck <3