A figure competitor’s path

I was at the gym today and I found myself wondering when going to the gym became just another place to socialize. First of all, I am not a huge fan of big gyms, especially since Terry’s place is small and intimate - you can work out without people on the machines you want or feel like you’re being watched. So being in the gym today, (Terry took the day off).

I was there for just about 35 minutes and the entire time I was there, this young girl stood and talked to a guy the whole time. She didn’t work out once! Too funny. I am not crazy hardcore, but I also don’t like to be bothered too much when I am in the gym. I’m there to do my thing and get out. I really don’t like to be stopped and spoken to either. I want to get the most of my workout but not stay there forever! So anyway, that’s today’s subject!

You all know that at one point after this past season I really thought I was going to give this up, but you know what? I just think I needed some rest. I had been training for 3 years non stop and my body and mind were just tired. I am so lucky that Terry pushed me to get back into working out. I am truly blessed to have a trainer who is committed to helping me reach my goals and be the best I can be. While we don’t have as much face time as we used to, he is there to help me through off-season training and building and we’re hoping the next time on stage is even better. Our workouts have been super intense!

You have to have a goal and I can’t believe I almost gave that goal up. When Terry emailed me a couple months ago and said that he couldn’t wait until I got back into the gym with him, I just was ready. I had definitely had my time off and i was ready to get back to it better than ever. And what’s even better is the team we make together. I am helping him train his figure competitors and get them ready to rock it out on stage.

Stay tuned too, because we’re going to be making a video about the entire figure process. There’s so much info out there about how to train for a show, but this is going to be a complete training guide and documentation about what really goes into it. I’m pretty excited about it. I think we can make a great team and really go placed.

So now I am working on getting my training certification and who knows where we’ll go from there! Anybody out there taken their certification exam lately? Have any advice for me? I can’t wait! I am hardcore on this training and competing. It has changed my life!

So my workouts in the mornings have been completely concentrated on my butt, hams, and calves. I want to beef them up for the next competition season. I have been sqautting light weight because I really don’t want to build my legs and butt too much, but I definitely want to firm them up.

 Now that I am back with Terry (having some great workouts by the way) i have been in the gym about 3 times a week in the mornings doing legs. I enjoy it. It’s a great way to start my day. Plus, I have been doing this for about 3 weeks now and my husband even commented yesterday that it felt like my butt was getting firmer. Yay! Keep plugging.

I went to theMr. Rochester show in Rochester, NY with my Trainer, Terry Stokes yesterday. He had a competitor, Alicia Kowalski who competed. I just wanted to say that the level of competition at that show would have blown away and show I have ever been to - period. Those figure girls were fantastically beautiful and their bodies were absolutely incredible. It remotivated me to think about getting back on stage and when I am going to do it. How I want to do it and where my mind is going to be when I do it. I can’t wait. Alicia was fantastic and she won first place in her class. She lost the overall in what I can only assume was a very very close decision. Now I can’t wait to get back to the gym!

Generally I love to tell people that I am a figure competitor. I’m proud of it, some may even say it defines me, which is a way it does. I love to sit down with someone who has never heard of the sport and explain what it is I do. I love to explain why I get up in the morning at 5 a.m. to go to the gym and head back again after work. I love to boast about the strength and determination of competing and how it isn’t just another bikini contest, it’s something more. It’s something both physical and mental and it’s something that not too many people could do – though the sport is growing by leaps and bounds.

But here’s the problem. In my off-season, I feel like a fraud. In order to gain muscle, you have to gain weight, right? Yes, I know that – you can’t build muscle if there isn’t nay fat to work from. But that doesn’t stop me from hating the way my body looks in the off-season. You notice I resist posting pictures of myself in the off-season, because I’m embarrassed about how I look. I don’t want people looking at me and saying that I shouldn’t be a competitor. I don’t even have an ab in the off-season. That’s tough. I feel like people are constantly judging how I look because I look so fit right before a show – even in the leaning down process I look good. It gives me so much more confidence too. And because people know what I look like during season, it’s hard to gain weight back and continue to think people like what I look like in the off season when I don’t like it.

People tell me all the time I look no different than I did when I was on stage 8 weeks ago, but that’s so untrue. I am about 15 lbs heavier and my thighs actually rub together when I walk naked. Ugggh. And I DEFINITEYL DO NOT feel at all sexy. And if I don’t feel sexy, how am I supposed to think my husband finds me sexy.

And I feel like a fraud. So many people friend me here on Bodyspace and say wow – you look amazing or something like that when they don’t even know what I look like right now in my off season. How am I supposed to feel like I am being honest at all? It’s such a mental sport. One I am proud to say I compete in during my on-season, but off season – eek!

OK - First of all, here’s the truth about eating clean. The truth is that it just makes you feel better. Healthier, more energy all of that jazz. I ate clean all week this week, no junk food, well - if any, very limited to once a day if I did it - salads, fruits, veggies, proteins and I just felt so much better about myself. I even found myself not wanting to eat the junk food purely because I know how it makes me feel after and I would prefer to feel better about myself than feel like I ate a 15 lb brick! I ate pizza tonight and uggh - I really just didn’t want it. I was at a b-day party and had that and then skipped the cake and ice cream though - not wanting it is a great feeling though!

So I think I make people feel guilty about what they eat. I was sitting in the lunch room the other day eating my salad and one of my co-workers came into the lunch room and she says to me - "you know, I never see you at lunchtime unless I am eating bad. You always see me on my bad lunch days when most days I eat well." It’s funny how when people know that you’re into fitenss and a healthy lifestyle they feel they need to justify their workout schedules and diets to you. I can’t tell you how many people tell me about what they have been eating or ask me for advice about how to eat better - and I do love it. I want to help people reach their goals. It’s nice to see people take and implement your advice and lose weight and start feeling better!

On another side note - Terry is almost completed with his gym. I trained there today even though all the equipment isn’t even moved in yet, but I like it a lot. It’s quiet and it’s a pure intense training zone. I love it. It’s perfect for him and everything he wants to do! Congrats Terry!

So I know I’ve written on here before about the hard time I am having after this season with gaining weight. You know, it has been a really rough road and i have honestly never ever felt worse about my body - even before I started competing. So now I have been sitting back trying to seriously think about what makes me happier…

 I try to bulk as much as i can in my off season and Terry and I did really well last season - partly because he had me convinced that I needed to gain some weight to gain some muscle and we gained 6 lbs of muscle this past year. But without him by my side right now, I am having a really hard time thinking that I have anything attractive right now and I just feel like I am really heavy. So I have been sitting back thinking of whether I was even gong to get on stage again anyways so I should maybe just focus on staying leaner right now. My abs are gone, my legs are fat - I feel really bulky, so maybe it’s simpler and better for me to just get some good strong cardio workouts and eat a bit cleaner and get some days in there where I lift heavy and maybe I just consider competing down the road when I am mentally in a better position…?

i just want to be myself again and not spend my days thinking about how I look and what I’m eating… Just 7 lbs down would make me really happy I think. I guess at this time that’s what I am going to do. I’ll keep you posted. Any advice, thoughts? anyone???

So - here’s the deal. I miss my competition body. I tried on my wedding dress yesterday and guess what? It didn’t fit I gained too much weight, Almost 12 lbs since the show and I couldn’t get it zipped. Now i know that I am not supposed to stay at that weight forever, but I definitely wanted to cry! Then I was looking at pictures from being on stage and that just made me sick. I definitely can’t look at them without feeling horrid about myself!

 And, I miss my trainer. I have been training myself and it just isn’t the same. Haven’t seriously lifted without him by my side in 3 years - well, ever actualy. Because he has been with me since the beginning. Makes me sad.

So tell me - how do we define sexy. Because since I stopped dieting after the show I have gained probably about 11 lbs - 3 weeks, not too bad, but I feel ANYTHING BUT SEXY! My husband tells me that he likes me this way, that I am more normal, but Lindsay, one of the girls I train with sent me a picture of us all with these crazy abs today and I wanted to cry.

I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel, but I love being abl eto eat normally. I am very careful to make sure that I get all my proteins and I try to keep my carbs lower than they used to, but how do I go back to liking what I have? I am 5ft 9 and I weight 139 lbs - that’s not a bad thing, but I feel so bad about myself. I’ve often wondered if I should get help or what.

So tell me? What do you think is sexy? Is a woman with a little more curve sexy. Should I be happy about my butt that U carry in the off season and my filled out face, or is a woman who is rock hard all the time sexy. Now I know my body still looks better eh probably 60% of the population out there, but I always want to look the best. The only way to doi that is to diet all year round. Not healthy and not going to help me reach my goals. So how do I learn to like what I have. I don’t need to love it, I just want to not feel self conscious in a bathing suit now or worry about how others perceive me. What do you think?

So I laid awake in bed last night thinking about my first workout back in the gym today after the shows and the wedding. I was so excited I had to force myself to stop thinking about it and just relax because I knew if I fell asleep then tomorrow would come quicker for me to work out! I think I border on psycho.

 So I didnt have Terry for the workout because he is busy getting his new gym in place, but that was ok - I think I did a prety good job of lifting on my own. Plus, I took my new husband with me and we lifted together. It was great bonding time, sweating and grunting and stuff… You know how it is. Anyway, I concentrated on chest and back today and I marvel at how different of a workout it is and how I need to get used to lifting slow and heavy again after comig off a show season. I sincerely hope I can use this year to put on as much size as I did last year.

Did I tell you Terry finally got his own gym? It’s scheduled to open June 1! I’m so excited for him! Check out the site, he added new content - www.hardbodyfigure.com