A figure competitor’s path

Generally I love to tell people that I am a figure competitor. I’m proud of it, some may even say it defines me, which is a way it does. I love to sit down with someone who has never heard of the sport and explain what it is I do. I love to explain why I get up in the morning at 5 a.m. to go to the gym and head back again after work. I love to boast about the strength and determination of competing and how it isn’t just another bikini contest, it’s something more. It’s something both physical and mental and it’s something that not too many people could do – though the sport is growing by leaps and bounds.

But here’s the problem. In my off-season, I feel like a fraud. In order to gain muscle, you have to gain weight, right? Yes, I know that – you can’t build muscle if there isn’t nay fat to work from. But that doesn’t stop me from hating the way my body looks in the off-season. You notice I resist posting pictures of myself in the off-season, because I’m embarrassed about how I look. I don’t want people looking at me and saying that I shouldn’t be a competitor. I don’t even have an ab in the off-season. That’s tough. I feel like people are constantly judging how I look because I look so fit right before a show – even in the leaning down process I look good. It gives me so much more confidence too. And because people know what I look like during season, it’s hard to gain weight back and continue to think people like what I look like in the off season when I don’t like it.

People tell me all the time I look no different than I did when I was on stage 8 weeks ago, but that’s so untrue. I am about 15 lbs heavier and my thighs actually rub together when I walk naked. Ugggh. And I DEFINITEYL DO NOT feel at all sexy. And if I don’t feel sexy, how am I supposed to think my husband finds me sexy.

And I feel like a fraud. So many people friend me here on Bodyspace and say wow – you look amazing or something like that when they don’t even know what I look like right now in my off season. How am I supposed to feel like I am being honest at all? It’s such a mental sport. One I am proud to say I compete in during my on-season, but off season – eek!

OK - First of all, here’s the truth about eating clean. The truth is that it just makes you feel better. Healthier, more energy all of that jazz. I ate clean all week this week, no junk food, well - if any, very limited to once a day if I did it - salads, fruits, veggies, proteins and I just felt so much better about myself. I even found myself not wanting to eat the junk food purely because I know how it makes me feel after and I would prefer to feel better about myself than feel like I ate a 15 lb brick! I ate pizza tonight and uggh - I really just didn’t want it. I was at a b-day party and had that and then skipped the cake and ice cream though - not wanting it is a great feeling though!

So I think I make people feel guilty about what they eat. I was sitting in the lunch room the other day eating my salad and one of my co-workers came into the lunch room and she says to me - "you know, I never see you at lunchtime unless I am eating bad. You always see me on my bad lunch days when most days I eat well." It’s funny how when people know that you’re into fitenss and a healthy lifestyle they feel they need to justify their workout schedules and diets to you. I can’t tell you how many people tell me about what they have been eating or ask me for advice about how to eat better - and I do love it. I want to help people reach their goals. It’s nice to see people take and implement your advice and lose weight and start feeling better!

On another side note - Terry is almost completed with his gym. I trained there today even though all the equipment isn’t even moved in yet, but I like it a lot. It’s quiet and it’s a pure intense training zone. I love it. It’s perfect for him and everything he wants to do! Congrats Terry!

So I know I’ve written on here before about the hard time I am having after this season with gaining weight. You know, it has been a really rough road and i have honestly never ever felt worse about my body - even before I started competing. So now I have been sitting back trying to seriously think about what makes me happier…

 I try to bulk as much as i can in my off season and Terry and I did really well last season - partly because he had me convinced that I needed to gain some weight to gain some muscle and we gained 6 lbs of muscle this past year. But without him by my side right now, I am having a really hard time thinking that I have anything attractive right now and I just feel like I am really heavy. So I have been sitting back thinking of whether I was even gong to get on stage again anyways so I should maybe just focus on staying leaner right now. My abs are gone, my legs are fat - I feel really bulky, so maybe it’s simpler and better for me to just get some good strong cardio workouts and eat a bit cleaner and get some days in there where I lift heavy and maybe I just consider competing down the road when I am mentally in a better position…?

i just want to be myself again and not spend my days thinking about how I look and what I’m eating… Just 7 lbs down would make me really happy I think. I guess at this time that’s what I am going to do. I’ll keep you posted. Any advice, thoughts? anyone???

So - here’s the deal. I miss my competition body. I tried on my wedding dress yesterday and guess what? It didn’t fit I gained too much weight, Almost 12 lbs since the show and I couldn’t get it zipped. Now i know that I am not supposed to stay at that weight forever, but I definitely wanted to cry! Then I was looking at pictures from being on stage and that just made me sick. I definitely can’t look at them without feeling horrid about myself!

 And, I miss my trainer. I have been training myself and it just isn’t the same. Haven’t seriously lifted without him by my side in 3 years - well, ever actualy. Because he has been with me since the beginning. Makes me sad.

So tell me - how do we define sexy. Because since I stopped dieting after the show I have gained probably about 11 lbs - 3 weeks, not too bad, but I feel ANYTHING BUT SEXY! My husband tells me that he likes me this way, that I am more normal, but Lindsay, one of the girls I train with sent me a picture of us all with these crazy abs today and I wanted to cry.

I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel, but I love being abl eto eat normally. I am very careful to make sure that I get all my proteins and I try to keep my carbs lower than they used to, but how do I go back to liking what I have? I am 5ft 9 and I weight 139 lbs - that’s not a bad thing, but I feel so bad about myself. I’ve often wondered if I should get help or what.

So tell me? What do you think is sexy? Is a woman with a little more curve sexy. Should I be happy about my butt that U carry in the off season and my filled out face, or is a woman who is rock hard all the time sexy. Now I know my body still looks better eh probably 60% of the population out there, but I always want to look the best. The only way to doi that is to diet all year round. Not healthy and not going to help me reach my goals. So how do I learn to like what I have. I don’t need to love it, I just want to not feel self conscious in a bathing suit now or worry about how others perceive me. What do you think?