Here it is.. all the thoughts and emotions.
You know, I am actually feeling more positive today. I felt like I looked a bit leaner - of course not as lean as I want to be, but that just isn’t going to happen. But I am ready to get on stage and enjoy what happen.
You know though, if I were to sit down with a therapist and tell them everything that is on my mind, I think they would commit me. I have been so up and down lately that nothing has made sense. I want to thank all of my body space friends and my training buddies who have lent so much support to me. I couldn’t have gotten through this without your kind words. I don’t hear much of it too often in person, so it’s nice to hear it in writing sometimes.
It’s hard. My fiance won’t tell me I look lean or good because he knows i have an obsessive personality and he told me that he feels like if he does then he is playing into that obsession. He doesn’t want to see me go back down the anorexic path that I was on in high school so he won’t fuel it. And that’s fine.
But it’s tough not to hear it. There’s a trainer at the gym I go to on my lunch who tells me all the time that she thinks I am going to win and that I look fantastic, but then again that’s ANOTHER trainer. Sometimes i want to hear it from my trainer too. But I know he can’t say it because he knows the competition that is out there and he knows how hard you have to fight for everything you want and I don’t believe he thinks I gave the fight I could have. And that’ sprobably all in my mind too. I go over and over what I can do differently, now of course that it is too late, and there are things of course. Up to the 10 week mark, I was absolutely perfect and then the going got tough and apparently I just lost what I thought I had.
You know, there are excuses across the board that I could rely on. My wedding is in 2 and a half weeks for goodness sake and that’s an excuse right there, but the point is that I didn’t want to make excuses. I wanted to be solid throughout this entire process and I think I underestimated how hard it would be to plan a wedding, move in with my fiance and train for a show… But again, a week out from the show I have to make an excuse. Maybe the reality of it is that there is always going to be an excuse and I am not cut out to ever be a contender on stage because i rely too much on them… I faltered when everyone else stayed solid.
And I feel judged. I know it’s probably all in my head, but when you’re the only one in a group of people who can’t hold a solid diet and you train with them and watch them transform into these fantastic shapes while you just sit back and don’t change, it’s tough. And I watch every muscle they have that I don’t and I feel like they watch me too and think to themselves "well she wasn’t at training…yada yada yada… what does she expect…" And it’s probably all mental and it is something that is completely in my imagination. For instance. Easter Sunday, Terry trained all the girls. 8 am and 10 am - everyone but me was there. Why? I took grandma to church and then had a brunch with Brad’s family we had to be at. But I felt like by being the only one not there then I am looked at as the one who just doesn’t want it bad enough. And maybe I don’t, I don’t know. But i have heard the comment about the gym, "well you haven’t been here." and I know that, but when I haven’t been with Terry, I have been on my own. I know I read into subtlties way too much, because I am an over analyzer and this probably all just isn’t true.
The first season with Terry, he could do nothing but tell me how proud he was of me. That fueled me and drove me. I guess I just work differently. I have always worked to make everyone else proud and unless I know they are proud, I can’t be proud myself. That’s just the way I am. So if I at all feel like I have disappointed anyone else then I am a disappointment most of all to myself.
OK - I guess I am done spilling my guts down. Sorry for the brain puke, but I guess sometimes it’s just better to get it down and out than hold it all in. I am heading in for workout #3 with Terry. At least we can’t say I wasn’t there today…
