A figure competitor’s path

You know, I am actually feeling more positive today. I felt like I looked a bit leaner - of course not as lean as I want to be, but that just isn’t going to happen. But I am ready to get on stage and enjoy what happen.

You know though, if I were to sit down with a therapist and tell them everything that is on my mind, I think they would commit me. I have been so up and down lately that nothing has made sense. I want to thank all of my body space friends and my training buddies who have lent so much support to me. I couldn’t have gotten through this without your kind words. I don’t hear much of it too often in person, so it’s nice to hear it in writing sometimes.

It’s hard. My fiance won’t tell me I look lean or good because he knows i have an obsessive personality and he told me that he feels like if he does then he is playing into that obsession. He doesn’t want to see me go back down the anorexic path that I was on in high school so he won’t fuel it. And that’s fine.

 But it’s tough not to hear it. There’s a trainer at the gym I go to on my lunch who tells me all the time that she thinks I am going to win and that I look fantastic, but then again that’s ANOTHER trainer. Sometimes i want to hear it from my trainer too. But I know he can’t say it because he knows the competition that is out there and he knows how hard you have to fight for everything you want and I don’t believe he thinks I gave the fight I could have. And that’ sprobably all in my mind too. I go over and over what I can do differently, now of course that it is too late, and there are things of course. Up to the 10 week mark, I was absolutely perfect and then the going got tough and apparently I just lost what I thought I had.

You know, there are excuses across the board that I could rely on. My wedding is in 2 and a half weeks for goodness sake and that’s an excuse right there, but the point is that I didn’t want to make excuses. I wanted to be solid throughout this entire process and I think I underestimated how hard it would be to plan a wedding, move in with my fiance and train for a show… But again, a week out from the show I have to make an excuse. Maybe the reality of it is that there is always going to be an excuse and I am not cut out to ever be a contender on stage because i rely too much on them… I faltered when everyone else stayed solid.

And I feel judged. I know it’s probably all in my head, but when you’re the only one in a group of people who can’t hold a solid diet and you train with them and watch them transform into these fantastic shapes while you just sit back and don’t change, it’s tough. And I watch every muscle they have that I don’t and I feel like they watch me too and think to themselves "well she wasn’t at training…yada yada yada… what does she expect…" And it’s probably all mental and it is something that is completely in my imagination. For instance. Easter Sunday, Terry trained all the girls. 8 am and 10 am - everyone but me was there. Why? I took grandma to church and then had a brunch with Brad’s family we had to be at. But I felt like by being the only one not there then I am looked at as the one who just doesn’t want it bad enough. And maybe I don’t, I don’t know. But i have heard the comment about the gym, "well you haven’t been here." and I know that, but when I haven’t been with Terry, I have been on my own. I know I read into subtlties way too much, because I am an over analyzer and this probably all just isn’t true.

The first season with Terry, he could do nothing but tell me how proud he was of me. That fueled me and drove me. I guess I just work differently. I have always worked to make everyone else proud and unless I know they are proud, I can’t be proud myself. That’s just the way I am. So if I at all feel like I have disappointed anyone else then I am a disappointment most of all to myself.

OK - I guess I am done spilling my guts down. Sorry for the brain puke, but I guess sometimes it’s just better to get it down and out than hold it all in. I am heading in for workout #3 with Terry. At least we can’t say I wasn’t there today…

I know one week off a diet could kill a person right before a show, but what will one more week of doing what I have been doing do for me? Not that I am going to stray from my diet because at this point I wouldn’t dream of it. I am just trying to figure out where I will be one week from now as I am getting ready the night before my show. Will I be leaner? Will I be ready?

 I know I have a pretty harsh week coming up with a super crazy diet and some water depletion the few days before and I am ready for it. I just wish somebody could paint me a picture of what I will look like then because the picture i see now isn’t promising. That way maybe I could rest easy and just hold some hope. I think I am stressing myself out which I definitely don’t want to do because I know stress holds weight. I am just going to keep pushing to the end and make it or break it on stage next weekend. 6 hardcore days left. I’m ready for the fight!

I’m not trying to be negative - just realistic… Here’s my prediction. I will not be lean enough to win first place in my class. I’ll let you know how it goes. It just realism talking…

I want to win. I have 2 weeks and I want to get on stage and win. I don’t know if it will happen, but I want it too. I felt really guilty today and I will again tomorrow.

Why? Well Brad moved in with me today so I had to miss my workouts at the gym. We were running all day. Not that that’s a bad thing. It was jst us moving so I actually had a good workout, up and down stairs moving dressers, beds, desks etc. Not a conventional workout, but a good one nontheless. Then we got to the apt. and it was 3 flights of stairs with all the same stuff. Probably a pretty good one, though not a gym workout. Then tomorrow is Easter, but my trainer is still training all the girls. And again, I will be the one not there. I am taking grandma to church at the 8 a.m. session and then I have brunch with Brad’s family at the 10 a.m. session. I hate being the one that’s not there you know, it makes me seem like the one who doesn’t want it as bad as the rest… But as I said. I do want it - BAD!

You know, I wish my mind would just make up how I am going to feel. Mentally, I am ready to get on stage just so the 16 weeks of prep time will finally be over, but then I look at myself and I think there is no way I am  and a half weeks away from being ready to get on stage. I think I need another 16 weeks!

 But then other times, I look at myself and I am ready to get on stage that day. I psych myself out as to who is going to be on stage with me and how I am going to measure up to all those girls. I am just ready to go out and rock it this season. Ask me 5 minutes ago and I would have been ready and I may be ready again in 2 minutes, but right now, I still feel like I have so far to go. Is it going to be possible to get my body fat down 2% in the next 2 weeks?

My fiance is moving in with me this weekend, my bachelorette party, a work awards ceremony and my drug test are next weekend, and the following weekend is the first show, then the weekend after that are 2 more shows and then I am getting married. Gulp.. Can somebody please stop time so I can breathe here? How do I keep pushing with so much going on?

I mean as it is, I am already missing 2 mid-dy workouts and a training session this week. Tomorrow is my work shower and then Thursday I have an appointment on lunch, then Saturday Brad is moving in and I can’t abandon him to train in the morning with the group. Not that I won’t get there, because I will. I will be there probably at 6 am doing my thing and I puhs when I’m alone, almost more than I push with a group, so it’s not like I won’t be working out, but then I feel guilty because I am missing trainer time - you know? How does one juggle it all and what’s more important right now? Show prep or wedding???? One of them is obviously bigger and more life changing than the other…

I guess these next 2 weeks will be insane. Insanity with an insane figure competitor. Perhaps I should write a book on it all!

I think anyways. Terry held a figure/posing seminra to educate prospective competitors and current competitors as well as their trainers about figure, what the judges were looking for and posing do’s and don’ts yesterday. I this it was a huge success. He also tested out his new Jan Tana spray machine on me as a demonstration and everyone went wild, It’s actually pretty amazing. It tanned my whole body with a gorgeous competition tan in about 15 minutes. It was great!

So I am posting my final progress pictures today. I won’t be posting any more until after the show, just because hey - who knows who’s out there reading this that will be competing against me. My body ft is down, Terry hasn’t given me an exact number yet, but I will update that as soon as I know too. 3 weeks out, the push will be the legs. Gotta lean lean lean the legs! Good luck to everyone.

Well actually, it’s too big, which is a really good thing. Anyone following my progress knows that in the year since I bought the dress, I have been training my back really hard and when I got the dress 7 months later, my back was too big to zip it all the way. Well I got the dress the other day from my maid ofhonor and tried it on and guess what? Since I have been dieting for the shows, I have leaned out enough that the dress zipped right up! YAY!

The only problem is that it is super big in the shoulders and the chest, but that’s not anything that isn’t easily rectified with some alterations, which I have scheduled for 3 days before the wedding. The ladies at the bridal salon have been amazing in making sure I get in super close to the wedding since I have absolutely NO CLUE what size I will be!

I feel like even though I don’t see too much of a change with weight loss, I am definitely seeing a change in my body. My legs (finally) seem to be leaning out and i am pushing hard to make sure they continue. It’s getting hard though with everything i have going on to make the time to get to the gym 3 times a day, but guess what? I have been. Morning, noon and night. I have a few days this week that I have a ton going on so I won’t make it 3 times, but I know I will at least make it 2 times and I will just push extra hard then during those 2 workouts to make up for the 3. I don’t think it will hurt me, it may even help to give my body a minor rest here and there. And the tan helps too. I have been tanning and let me tell you, certain muscles certainly stand out better with a tan. Makes me really want to get on stage with all the oil and Jan Tana!

Keep you updated. Have a happy Saturday!

So my diet is really low right now and I have still been getting in 3 intense workouts every day. Is there a possibility I am overtraining and my body is rebelling? I haven’t lost any weight and I have no idea where my body fat is. I was talking to a few of my girlfriends who are competing with me and the consesus was that perhaps I may be overtraining. I go on 2-3 low carb days and then cycle a high one, all the while pushing my body at the gym, but there are some days that I can barely get up to go to the bathroom at work because I am too tired. Plus, my weight hasn’t moved at all. It goes up and down, but will not give me a steady drop.

I can vary from a low of 128 to 132 right now. What am I then? If the scale has said 128 that means that I am probably 128 right and then when it goes up it’s just from holding onto water and such. But what water am I holding onto if I am not really eating carbs or anything.

I want to talk to my trainer about it, but I am sur in his eyes I am just not working hard enough. Every time I look in the mirror I feel like I am worlds away from where I need to be which in turn makes me skip a meal if I am not that hungry or at the very least cut some food out from it. If I am steadily that low with my diet and very strict on the working out then how is the weight not moving?

I usually guage things by my body fat, but Terry said he won’t take it until I am 127, which makes me want to push even harder. But am I pushing too hard that my body doesn’t have the energy to burn the calories it needs to? Do I scale the workouts back to 2 a day and then try to get a 3rd one in maybe 3 days a week? Help me, I am beyond the point of frustration right now!!!

So I was just sitting here killing some time, it’s 9:30 and I’d like to be in bed, especially since I have a training session super early tomorrow, but I still have a load of laundry in the dryer and I can’t just leave it there. I pulled out some old photo cd’s from the previous 2 seasons I competed in and I was looking through them. Over the years, I have seen a definite change in my body and it’s going to be very interesting what I look like on stage this year.

I also wonder what competitors I have stood next to on stage before will be coming back. Not that it matters because I need to go in to beat myself, not anyone else, but I would still be curious who I am going to be on stage next to. I also am so curious to see what my body is going to look like this season after being all tanned and oiled and under the lights. It makes everything better (usually). Anyways, just wanted to say that i definitely hope that this season has a better outcome than last, and i know I’ve worked my butt off for it - definitely. Guess in 4 weeks we’ll have the outcome of the first of 3 shows. Wow - 4 weeks. Seems like tomorrow.

Been in the gym 3 times a day and tryin gto cycle carb days. I think I’ve been doing pretty well, I finally saw a drop in my weight, but I haven’t had my body fat tested within the past week. I am hoping maybe tomorrow may be the day. I don’t want to have too high of hopes too.

And know what else? Wedding stuff is kicking in full throttle. I haven’t missed a workout but maybe once, but I already have a few things that are coming up that are going to make me miss a much needed session with Terry so I just need to make sure that when i am in that gym on my own, I push myself. And know what? I really think I am. I worked out with Terry for an hour and a half this morning then found myself back in the gym at about 4:00 for an hour. 30 minutes of jump rope cycles and 30 minutes of hard treadmill time. I didn’t think I was going to make it, I was so tired walking in there, but something pushed me through. I guess I am going to just have to keep falling back on whatever inner strength got me through it today and do it for 4 more weeks! Wow!

So the weather here is ridiculous and training was cancelled this morning. Too bad, but I did venture out to the gym down the road. The bad thing, it took me 20 minutes and should have only been 5 and the good thing? The gym was pretty empty! So I did a maniac circuit workout and then got on the treadmill to finish it up. I hope my fiance will takeme there again later because he has the all wheel drive SUV!

Good thing this wasn’t last weekend for the Arnold Classic! I heard that Columbus is completely shut down because of snow.  So the weight moved today! Not just one pound but 2! I don’t go too much by weight anymore, because when the diet gets this low, my body begins to hold onto any water it can and I retain a pound or two, but it was nice to finally see a small change on the scale. I am not going to update my stats until it stays the same for more than 2-3 days in a row and who knows what it will be like tomorrow. Body fat is the likely indiator these days and I haven’t had it taken in a week so I will post that when I do get it taken. I am hoping to be somewhere near 12.5% right now, so we’ll see when Terry takes it.

Anyway, gonna just stay bundled up today. The good thing? No food in the house. The bad thing? I think about food when I have nothing to do! Argh! Oh well.