A figure competitor’s path

I have been having a lot of trouble this past week with the diet. I just got off the phone with my trainer. This is the second time in a week that I have left work early because I wasn’t feeling well and I don’t want to do that. My body has just been getting so low and I feel like all of a sudden I am failing. I can’t stay solid on the diet for more than a day because my body just gives up and I can’t figure out if it is really my body or if it’s all mental.

I’ve come so far these past 8 1/2 weeks and I feel like all of a sudden, I just can’t do it. I have so much support so that’s not the issue, it’s just that my body gives up. I got so dizzy at work today that if I hadn’t been sitting down, I would have passed out. I was off all day and I don’t want to feel like that. I am working out like a maniac, Terry’s workouts have been a lifesaver this season, it’s been like 1 a day, I have already lost 18 lbs and I still have 7 1/2 weeks but I’m stopping and I don’t want to.

I watch the girls I train with stay so solid on the diet and then I beat myself up because I can’t. Then I tell myself that if I can just cheat a little then I will get back on track tomorrow, which I do, but then the next day it’s the same thing all over again. I haven’t fallen off the wagon cheated, it’s like having an extra piece of wheat bread or I add some peanut butter or I have a small hershey’s miniature bar to get myself a little sugar boost, but still, it’s a cheat and I am not going to win that way.

So Terry and I collectively decided that i will begin to add more carbs to my breakfast in the morning to replenish what I am losing when I work out in the morning and just add some more protein a bit later. I’m a little scared to add the calories, but I feel like that’s what I need right now, so I guess this is an onward and upward journey.

But to e perfectly honest, I’m scared. This is my third season and I am just afraid that maybe I can’t do this or I am going to fail. Maybe I just don’t have it in me to be a figure girl. And that scares me because it’s failure.

I have been having a lot of trouble this past week with the diet. I just got off the phone with my trainer. This is the second time in a week that I have left work early because I wasn’t feeling well and I don’t want to do that. My body has just been getting so low and I feel like all of a sudden I am failing. I can’t stay solid on the diet for more than a day because my body just gives up and I can’t figure out if it is really my body or if it’s all mental.

I’ve come so far these past 8 1/2 weeks and I feel like all of a sudden, I just can’t do it. I have so much support so that’s not the issue, it’s just that my body gives up. I got so dizzy at work today that if I hadn’t been sitting down, I would have passed out. I was off all day and I don’t want to feel like that. I am working out like a maniac, Terry’s workouts have been a lifesaver this season, it’s been like 1 a day, I have already lost 18 lbs and I still have 7 1/2 weeks but I’m stopping and I don’t want to.

I watch the girls I train with stay so solid on the diet and then I beat myself up because I can’t. Then I tell myself that if I can just cheat a little then I will get back on track tomorrow, which I do, but then the next day it’s the same thing all over again. I haven’t fallen off the wagon cheated, it’s like having an extra piece of wheat bread or I add some peanut butter or I have a small hershey’s miniature bar to get myself a little sugar boost, but still, it’s a cheat and I am not going to win that way.

So Terry and I collectively decided that i will begin to add more carbs to my breakfast in the morning to replenish what I am losing when I work out in the morning and just add some more protein a bit later. I’m a little scared to add the calories, but I feel like that’s what I need right now, so I guess this is an onward and upward journey.

But to e perfectly honest, I’m scared. This is my third season and I am just afraid that maybe I can’t do this or I am going to fail. Maybe I just don’t have it in me to be a figure girl. And that scares me because it’s failure.

For anyone who follows up on this, perhaaps I was upset last night and felt bad when he said he felt neglected and forgot to mention that this is the man who helps me with my posing and routines, helps me evaluate my progress and generally supports my diet. I have just been tired and low on energy and pretty test lately and I can put myself in his shoes if he was the one doing this and I wasn’t and he was snapping at me and never wanted to do anything…
He is so very supportive about this most of the time that this one hiccup doesn’t mean I need to re-evaluate my relationship. He has been a part of this from the very beginning, when I just started through three seasons of shows. He is the first to buy a ticket and the first to hug me when I get off stage.

I don’t want anyone out there thinking he is a horrible guy and that I am marrying a man who doesn’t support me. He does, this is just a bump in the road.  There are things I can do too - likenot going to bed at 9 pm on Saturday nights… LOL!

Apparently, I am not doing it all like I thought I was. My fiance told me tonight that he gets bored and that basically I can be a bitch sometimes. He said that for everything I am going through, he wants me to step back and take a look at what he’s dealing with too while trying to support me.

He said that he knows I get tired and that I am working hard, but pretty much, (and he didn’t call me a bitch outright) I am a bitch sometimes. He said that all we do is sit around home and he gets bored and that I have to go to the gym all the time and then when it’s time to go to bed, I am asleep in 2 minutes flat.

I guess this just shows me that I am not dealing with this the very best I can. I thought that I was being this great, strong person, going through this and still planning the wedding and making time for everything, but what I didn’t realize was that I am neglecting what is probably most important right now, my future husband.

I don’t try to neglect him and I really didn’t even think I was, but it is tough. We don’t go to the movies because the smell of popcorn can physically make me sick, we don’t go out to eat at all because, well, lets face it, I can’t eat anything, and if we were to go out to bowl or play pool or something, I am so tired that I would really rather be at home in bed.

What am I supposed to do. Here I have been singing his praises as to how well he is dealing with this and what a great support he has been to me and planning to go to my shows and helping me with my suits and posing and such when he is sitting on the side feeling left out and neglected. Ugggh, now I feel like a failure.

Relationships are really tough when you’re in this situation with training, because as much as they "say" they understand, nobody does unless you’re going through it and you continually feel drained and tired and hungry and edgy. Even my figure coach, Terry Stokes, doesn’t really know what it’s like to be so hungry you could eat a shoelace.

We go through a lot and I always sing the praises of those women who do it with their men beside them and I am one of those women. Perhaps, I just need to better figure out how to handle the time I do have with him so he doesn’t feel hurt or left out…

How do you succeed at both?

I am 8 weeks from the show and I have a lot of mixed emotions right now. On one hand, I am really proud of what I have accomplished so far and on the other hand, I am tired, nervous and edgy, knowing I still have 8 weeks to fail. I have been dieting for 8 weeks now, halfway through and when I should be getting stricter, it is getting harder.

Now I am currently at the weigt and bodyfat that I went on stage with so I have nowhere to go but better for this season, but every day is a struggle. I am so pleased with my pictures and how I am looking and I know I can hang in there until the show, but with the wedding drawing closer every day and more and more small preparations to do, it just gets harder, I just try to kick my butt in the gym whenever possible and absolutely kill my workouts when I train with Terry.

To be perfectly honest, I think these workouts have been my saving grace. I am still only in the gym once a day maybe 2 times a day a couple times a a week. Last season, I was in the gym 3 times a day by this point.

So I have lost 16 lbs so far, and sometimes it seems like nothing. How is it that I know that the last 5 is going to be harder than the first 16?

 That’s why I am so thankful for everyone on here who supports me and keeps me going day after day. You checking up on my progress and everyone’s kind words keep me going. Miles to go guys - but yet, halfway there. I’ll do it if you will!

So once in a while during the training cycle, I just have a day that I get really on edge. It may be from the dieting, from the exercise, lack of sleep, who knows, but it is the smallest things that bother me.

Well, today is one of those days. It’s on these days I like to crawl in a corner and really try to keep myself away from the ones I love. One season, I was so cranky that I threw a shoe at my trainer when he was poking me while I was posing. Actually, he likes to say I threw it AT him, I just threw it in his general direction, that’s all.

Well, today the nerves are on end. So much so (and I apparently look tired too) because my boss asked if I was ok and when I said I was tired and on edge, he offered to let me go home a little early this afternoon, so guess what? I am going to take him up on it. Perhaps I will stop at mom’s and see my beautiful little niece or I will go home and take a nap.

I briefly thought of getting back in the gym for a second workout, but I have 2 tomorrow and that would just defeat the purpose of leaving early to "rest." By the way, I have a great boss…

So, I am just hoping to keep my emotions under control for the remainder of the day and just make it through without having to go back tomorrow and do damage control! Yipes!

Apparently I am not the only one who cheated on Super Bowl Sunday.

What is it about the Super Bowl? I made it through Christmas and New Years without cheating too much and yet I fall off my wagon completely for the Super Bowl. Almost everyone I train with did. Is it because when you’re dieting for longer it makes it harder to resist the food temptation in front of you or what? Geez!

And guess what? I’m still fighting the 3 lbs of water weight from the wagon tipping issue. My figure coach, Terry Stokes, explained to me this morning how this holding water works and why it is still in my system.

First of all, it hasn’t even been 48 hours since I ate everything so it will of course still be in my system. He also explained that since my body is low in carbs from depleting the past 6 weeks, that they will grab and hold onto anything they can get. He also explained that carbs can’t move through your system without attaching to molecules of water so for every carb I hold onto, there are also a bunch of molecules of water there too.

So I asked him if I was working out these past few days to burn off the weight I am up or if I am still burning body fat. Because I feel like every time I work out now, I am trying to work off the 3 lbs of water my body is up.

He said that the water will leave naturally and that I didn’t gain body fat since it is just water weight, so my workouts are still fighting body fat right now. So that makes me feel a lot better.

See, a lot of people think that if they are up a couple pounds of water weight that their workouts are just going to get rid of that –when in fact, the water will naturally leave your body and the workouts will still be working the body fat. So that made me feel a little bit better. I still want to get rid of that water weight though – let me tell you. Did I tell you I am pretty lucky to have a trainer who is so knowledgeable and helpful. I’m learning a whole lot from him – more and more every day!

You know, I have prided myself so far this season, 7 weeks into diet, for not falling off the wagon but maybe once or twice and even then it was like a piece of peanut butter bread. But this weekend, I am actually ashamed to admit what I did and even more so, because my figrue coach, Terry Stokes, has taken to reading my blog - as do all the girls I train with - but alas, I will admit it.

I had my bridal shower Saturday and I went into it with the mindset that I was going to eat and enjoy myself - after all you only get married once (hopefully) and I have told myself that anything surrounding my wedding I was going to enjoy. The food at the shower was great, I actually just had a whole wheat turkey and cheese sandwich, a little pasta salad, a nice big green salad and a piece (or 2) of cake - all of which Terry actually knows about. I also went to the gym Saturday afternoon and worked myself to hell over it - ok fine. I ate ok the rest of Saturday but never really got back on the wagon. When I woke up Sunday, my weight was the same as Saturday so I knew I didn’t do too badly.

BUT! Sunday was a super bowl party and I should have just stayed home. I’m not going to admit to what i ate, but let’s just say that when it was all said and done, I wished I could make myself vomit because I felt so disgusting. I have spent so much time evaluating if what I ate was really that bad or if I am just beating myself up over it for no reason. I think it’s a mixture of both to be honest.

Anyways, I laid awake most of the night last night because I had told myself that I wasn’t going to set my alarm to go to the gym because I am training with Terry tonight, but if I happened to be awake, I would get up and go in for a workout. Well I never really fell asleep for more than an hour at a time so I was definitely up for the gym this morning. And I don’t know why I wasn’t sleeping. If it was because I was beating myself up all night or if it was just because i couldn’t sleep.

So at 5:15 I slipped out of bed to go to the gym. But first I had to so the all important weigh in. So I stripped, stepped on the scale and wanted to beat myself up even more. I am up 2 lbs. Now, I know that there’s no way I ate the 7000 extra calories it would take to gain 2 lbs - heck I didn’t even do the 3500 it would take for 1 lb, and did I mention I had a double workout with Terry yesterday. Moral is, I KNOW IT’S ALL WATER, but I am so angry with myself and I have been beating myself up senselessly over this all morning so far and I will probably continue to beat myself up. And the bad part is if I come in 2nd place, I am going to think this is why and IT’S NOT!

I know that this was probably actually good for my body and that this water weight will go away and today my metabolism will work overtime because it is still used to working hard to burn what I ate yesterday - BUT… I’m still mad at myself. Sooo - I guess I just stay clean from here on out and get rid of those 2 water weight pounds and keep plugging forward. Ugggh - gotta stop beating myself up over this one! Everyone makes mistakes right? I mean aren’t we human? Ugggh!!!

Sorry - I am going to take a moment to post a serious one right now. I was thinking this morning how mental this sport really is. Not in the way that you think either. Sure, it takes incredible amounts of strength not to eat the piece of chocolate in front of you and I am not down playing that.

What scares me most about this sport is my obsessive nature. I recovered from anorexia back in high school, but that mentality sticks with you. Anyone who has had an eating disorder knows this. And when you’re training so hard for a show and counting every calorie, every carb that enters your body, you become slightly obsessive about it. Now look, I am recovered from my problem and I would probably never go back down that road, but still… This morning i looked in the mirror and I saw lean and I was so excited. And I still have 5-6% body fat to go so I’ll have to continue to fight hard for those extra pounds and percents, but then I got to thinking about putting the weight back on after the shows and it almost made me physically sick.

The leaner I get, the lower my "comfortable, looks good" weight gets. Before I started this, I was happy at 150 lbs, 5 ft 9 - see my before pictures,I thought I looked great, then after my first show it was ok to maintain about 142 and now I don’t ever even want to be there again. I wish with all my heart that I could stay at 131 lbs, but that isn’t realistic and it’s not feasible.

I just dread how I am going to feel when I do go on that cruise the week after my shows and my new husband wants me to try everything and eat everything in sight. Hpw much weight will I gain back? I know I am going to feel like I look disgusting, but I won’t and I also know that mentality will wear off after I get used to having the weight back on my frame.

It just surprisedme this morning when I looked in the mirror and realized how obsessive this is right now and how this could definitely lead to an eating disorder, even for people who have never dealt with one. So please be smart about this, and remember it’s just a sport. I try to remind myself of that fact every day. Somebody may just have to remind me again when it’s all over!