I’m going to die!
I always revisit this conversation with myself. I am young! I’m 23, 5′4, 475 lbs. I have an enlarge heart, hypothyroidism,diabetes. I am constantly depressed, reclusive and angry.When I look in the mirror some time. I find myself standing there for a hour. Just thinking about ways to end my life. But I know that’s a chicken shit way to deal with a problem. I’m also the largest person in my family (both mom and dads side). Though God had blessed me this far and I’m thankful to be alive. But I feel if I don’t help myself. I won’t see my 24 birthday.
I’m my mothers only child and no parent should have to bury their child!
April 13, 2009 at 1:58 am
Kris,
This REALLY SADDENS me that you’re even thinking this way. I wish I could wave my hand and make the pain go away but I can’t. I’m not even going to insult you by saying something stupid like "I know how you feel". I can say that you have life and life is WAY TOO precious. Taking life away will destroy more than just that ONE life. You are a daughter of a loving mother who will blame herself forever. My sister lost her life to cancer and I can say that my mother still feels guilt. She just went home to take a shower and change clothes. The hospital called and gave her the bad news. The thing that drove the nail in the coffin was one insensitive ass nurse who told me mom that my sister was asking for her. That right there tore my Mother up. So I beg you don’t even let this thought come back in your mind. Please don’t do this to you or your family.
April 14, 2009 at 5:29 am
after reading your blog and reading what gijoeman replied I totally agree with him. Gurl I have fell off the wagon, I havent worked out but maybe twice in the past few weeks. I have been stressed about finding a second job because of my bills and of my expensive hobby. but aside from that dont get down and discouraged because you know as well as I do this is a slow and steady process. baby steps. I know its nerve racking to think about but it will eventually happen if you put your mind to losing weight and being healthy. I know its hard because its been rough for me too but please dont think or talk about ending your life.
April 19, 2009 at 6:49 am
Kris,
One minute, One hour, One day…at a time. Baby steps. When you are able to reflect on what "isn’t working" is progress. You have made it this far for a reason. You have a family that needs you, even if you are unaware of what that need is, but they do. Start today by thinking one positive thought, and build on it. Think about one positive thing you did today…it could be as simple as getting out of bed, or taking a five minute walk, or even starting your day by eating something healthy. You are a beautiful girl, and a bright girl build on those qualities and you will soon feel better about yourself. And you have a so much support and love here on Body Building…all you have to do is reach out. We are here for you.
May 4, 2009 at 1:26 pm
While reading your blog my heart stopped I feel your pain. I know your pain. As a very young child I was sexual abused and such abuse would continue during seasons at least that’s how a six-year-old remembered. By the time I was eleven-years-old I was brutally raped. I wish I could tell you that after counseling I got a grip on my life and lived a wonderful life.
The reality I became fearful of life and trusted no one, only food. Only I didn’t know food had become my best friend, my comfort. Many days I asked God, why did he allow me to live? As years would pass I shared my true feelings with my mother..my thoughts of sucide..I can still see my mother crying like a new born baby, which only broke my heart into a thousand peices as I imagained the pain I would have left behind.
Krystal, we are all here for a purpose in this thing called life..Baby steps is what it’s all about!! And more importantly asking for help, much like your doing!! At 43-years-old I had to ask for help. Your are a beautiful lady from head to toe. Leslie