12weekhardbody’s BodyBlog

A while ago I wrote about this weirdo at my gym that is MARRIED.  I have been working out at home more lately so I haven’t seen this douche in a while.  I needed to use the smith machine this morning.  Douche was standing next to it so I had to ask if he was using it.  He said, "No", and asked me if I wanted him to move the plates and clean the towels off the bench.  I said, "Sure".  I was doing close grip bench presses and he asked if I wanted to up my plates to 25’s.  I thought he was joking so I told him that would be fine.  He seriously did switch them out and then decided he would spot me!? On a positive note I was able to do the presses (next week I am going to up the weight again).  As I was walking away, he said something like, "I wouldn’t want to live in a universe where I couldn’t think about you!  i love talking to a beautiful lady."  Numero uno, ****er, if you knew me you would know that this potty-mouthed chick is NO lady.  Numero dos, WTF did you just say??  Numero tres, YOU ARE ****ING MARRIED.  Numero quatro, I AM MARRIED, DOUCHE.  Numero cinco, keep it in your pants, bucko.  Buh-bye!

Don’t get me wrong it is nice to receive a compliment like, "Wow, your hair looks clean today!" or "I am so glad you smell good this morning".  It is creepy to me that someone would say this to me.  My husband told me to run if he ever followed me out to my car.  Not a problem,  I have 4-wheel drive…I’ll run over this dude.  I do feel sorry for his wife.  If my husband were to say this shit to another female (or even a male) I would consider it cheating.

I was eating some pistachios today.  Pistachios are good on their own.  WTF would somebody decide they would be tasty in a pudding?  No one eats cashew pudding.  Or brazil nut pudding.  Or even peanut pudding.  So why the hell is there pistachio pudding?

I have been extremely nervous and depressed for several weeks now and have done a lot of thinking (which, quite honestly is not something I do regularly).  Some things have made me feel worse and some things have made me feel better.  

One thing I have been thinking about is bodybuilding.  Well, actually nutrition and food.  I am OBSESSED about everything that I eat.  I do not necessarily eat in order to be healthy.  I eat to achieve a certain "look", which I have still not reached.  I put so much pressure on myself with my food that, at times, it makes me miserable.  I have recently cut all carbs out of my life (except for 2 servings of fruit a day and 3 servings of veggies a day).  I was able to do this without much trouble, but I do feel like it has been part of the reason my mood have been so down.  So, I guess I had A LOT of trouble with it.  

I do not think it is wise to cut out HEALTHY foods or groups of foods from one’s diet.  I understand the concept behind cutting foods out but for me (who has no desire to compete) it is not wise.  For me it is not healthy mentally.  

I KNOW that it makes me feel like shit when I cheat.  I beat myself up mentally for falling of the wagon…for eating something that is not on my list….for eating some food that I have cut out of my diet.  I get pissed at myself and take it out on my family.  I get short-tempered and hateful.  I love my family and should not torture them because I think I have to be perfect.

I also hate obsessing about reaching my goal.  It is not worth being 15% body fat if I am miserable just  trying to get there.  I am kidding myself by thinking that I will be happy at 15% body fat.  I won’t.  I will only be happy when I stop obsessing about it.  

Bodybuilding should increase my physical and mental well-being and so far that is not happening.  I may have gained strength in what I can lift but not at all in how I feel about myself.

Perhaps I am not a 12 week hard body because I am looking at this shit all wrong.  I should be a life-long hard body.  Cutting foods out of my diet for 12 weeks has backfired many a time.  I have been looking for a semi-quick fix, knowing that as soon as I add dairy (or soy or fats or complex carbs) back into the mix that I would lose my new look.  

I will be thinking some more soon……

Last week I had a stomach virus for 5 days.  Two days before that we  (my husband and I) found out that one of his really good friends was in a coma from a car wreck (he is our age 30).  In october a guy that I went to high school with died in a car wreck.  He was only 33.  So why am I scared….actually I have been extremely anxious since last week?  I am afraid to die.  I am worried about how I will go…when I will go…where will I go?  I have had panic attacks in the past.  They have always been related to alcohol, marijuana, energy-boosting supplements,or once with a prescription to help me lactate.  I LOVE CONTROL and perhaps I am afraid of how I will have no control over how I will die.  My dad died when he was 42 from leukemia and maybe that is not helping my thoughts these days.

How is this related to bodybuilding?  Well, in the past when I have had panic attacks I will force myself to do things that I do not want to do…like driving to the gym and working out.  Yesterday when I was really down I called my former personal trainer and asked him to train me.  Even though I got very little sleep I met him this morning at 5:30 for a leg and shoulder workout.  I gave it my all and it did help calm my thoughts.  I plan on signing up with him for 48 sessions.  I have also decided to stop doing the carb haters anonymous plan.  I ****ing like carbs and so I am going to eat them and focus on the healthy ones.  I don’t like cutting out entire groups of food.  Although I have proved to myself that i can do it.

I am trying to be positive and calm but it has not been easy to do.  I have realized that I need to spend more quality time with my boys and my husband.  I need to quit judging everyone and thinking I am so much better than them because they do things differently than I would.  I need to appreciate the good in people and in myself.

Well, technically this should be week 3.  I haven’t worked out since last Monday due to being sick.  So this week I am starting fresh.  Will be eating 5 meals a day, weights 4 days a week, and cardio 6 days a week.  My plan is to do the cardio at the gym in the am.  I’ll lift in the evening with my husband.  We did this for my first week of my SciVation plan and it turned out great.  The last time I had a workout partner was over a year ago so this was fun.  I was able to lift heavier because my husband could help me raise the (starting point of the) weights especially for the chest and shoulders.  I hope to see big changes in these areas and balance my body’s proportion out.  If my husband decides NOT to workout : ( I will just do weights in the am and cardio in the pm.  

This is a 12 week thing…..I will be getting my 12weekhardbody FINALLY>

I have had a stomach virus (I’m no M.D…. just assuming) since Monday.  I thought that it would only last a day but I am still not feeling any better. =S  

Up until Monday I had been following my SciVation plan which is the carb haters anonymous.  Since I have been feeling like shit I have not wanted  chicken, almonds, eggs, or any thing that I had been eating.  I have been eating whatever does not make me nauseous.

I got my cardio in on Monday but not my weight lifting.  Since then I have not had any formal cardio (unless you count running to and fro the potty and, if so, then I am a marathoner).  The only lifting I have done has been of the toilet seat ( I am using proper form so don’t worry about me getting injured).

I would throw in the towel but I may need it if I run out of toilet paper.

My plan is to eat whatever I can stomach and not work out until I feel better.  Then, I will pick up where I left off and give it my all!!

On a New Year’s note i was inspired my another bodyspacer’s goals for 2009 as opposed to resolutions.  So here is my list as of now
1. Go to a sit-down-serve-ya restaurant by myself (I am 30 and have never done this…I’ve never even eaten in a fast food joint by myself)
2. See a movie at the theatre by myself
3. Go 3 days keeping my cool with my kids when I get frustrated (I am trying to be more mature than a 2-year old and a 5-year old)
4. Snuggle more with my husband (My husband loves to snuggle and I am not really a fan of it but I am a fan of his!)
5. Complete 12 weeks of the SciVation plan so I can FINALLY live up to the ****ing bodyspace name I GAVE TO MYSELF
6. Finish 2 painting projects that I started within 2 weeks of putting my Christmas decorations away
7. Live through my stomach virus without shitting my pants or puking on myself (okay I’d settle for at least one of those)
That’s all I have got right now.